Hunter
by Belle A Lestrange
Summary: Rated M for sex, miscarriage, and violence. After 15 years of marriage Katniss is counting the minutes for a pregnancy test to show results. She had no idea what the actions she takes would cause to her marriage. Will the gift of a needy little puppy bring Katniss out of her living Hell? Can she fix the damage and fall in love with Peeta again before they both contemplate divorce?
1. PROLOGUE Katniss

**A/N: This is my first Hunger Games fic so I hope you guys will be gentle with me. I mapped out this chapter on holiday so hopefully you enjoy it. Let me know what you think.**

**Pairing: Peeta x Katniss.**

**Rating: M**

**Disclaimer: After fifteen years of marriage Katniss is counting the minutes for a pregnancy test to show results. She'd always been so careful. She had no idea what the rebellious actions she takes would cause to her marriage. Fighting to survive the hurdles of love and life and a needy little puppy thrown into the mix, Katniss is living in her own brand of hell. Can she manage to fix the damage and fall in love with Peeta again before they both seriously contemplate divorce?**

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**Prologue**

_Katniss_

Sitting on the edge of the bathtub with my arms wrapped tightly around my stomach, I squeezed my eyes shut against the dull ache building up at the base of my skull. I hadn't washed my hair in the last day and a half and already my scalp was hurting. I checked my watch before sighing and massaging my temples, the tips of my fingers doing little to quell my headache and feeling like needle heads rubbing against my skin.

Peeta would be home soon.

As soon as he'd see me secluded away in the bathroom, he would start to get concerned and over-bearing and I didn't need that. I hated when he did that because although his intentions were good, it made me feel weak and useless and just plain crap in comparison to his 'good-boy' nature. I couldn't stand to have those beautiful blue eyes gleaming up at me. A shiver ran through me as I swirled my tongue around my mouth, wishing the extra minty toothpaste had done something in the way of ridding the taste of vomit from my mouth. I was cold and shaky and my skin felt clammy to the touch. I couldn't keep anything down over the last two days, not even dry toast and crackers. I'd managed to sip at a glass of water for most of last night at Peeta's request. He'd been so gentle and attentive –something I envied him for. I hadn't told him that I was staying home today. I hadn't decided until my alarm had blared out first thing this morning and the room around me had swum about and warped and punched my stomach with a fresh, hot wave of nausea. If Peeta knew he would only worry and insist on staying home tomorrow to take care of me.

I rubbed at my tired eyes and glanced up through the bathroom door and my eyes fell upon the picture in the silver frame propped up on Peeta's side of the bed; it was a photo of us from our wedding day –or our toasting as it was commonly known in Twelve.

It was on a beautiful spring afternoon in the town hall gardens; bright flowers dotted the background with bright colours that had made me smile at their sharp contrast with the lush green grass underfoot. I loved the vivid bursts of reds, pinks, oranges and yellows all blending together and exploding with fresh fragrances that surfed on the spring breeze. Peeta had worn one of the few beautiful suits he owned from our time in the Capitol. Despite many offers over the years from designers offering us both a lot of money to show off their wares on the catwalk, we had both adamantly refused, only really accepting a couple when Effie wouldn't relent in the first couple of years after the revolution. It was a handsome suit, tinted charcoal grey and tailored so beautifully that it fit his figure perfectly. The delicate platinum and emerald cufflinks winked at his cuffs; they had surprised me along with the dark emerald green tie fastened at his throat.

A variation of my favourite colour –the colour of freedom.

I'd blushed lightly when I saw, feeling over-whelmed as I followed Johanna up the aisle –it had taken months of persuading to finally get her to agree to be my maid of honour. Really I didn't want anyone else if I couldn't have Prim. My mother had been at my side as I'd walked towards my soon-to-be-husband. I watched an amused gleam dance in Peeta's eyes as I drew nearer. He'd seen them; the delicate, orange-hued blossoms intricately woven into my hair that hung over my shoulder in a stylish coil of dark hair.

Our dinner after the ceremony had been beautiful, with hundreds of candles dotted delicately around the gardens. We'd danced and drank a lot of alcohol throughout the night. Many people murmured about how happy I'd looked –we'd looked. How could I not be happy? I had literally just married the man I could physically not live without. Happy couldn't even begin to describe how my heart felt in that moment –and we had it all captured in a large photo album tucked underneath the bed, a few of the better photos framed and mounted about our home.

That night we had returned to Peeta's house in the Victors Village –we'd spent more time over there that at my own house anyway so it seemed like the obvious choice –and had lunged at one another as soon as the front door had 'clunked' shut in its frame. It was 2AM; we'd hoped to have been home at 11PM the latest but we had been delayed by more well-wishers and by the time we escaped both of our bodies were feverish with a hungry desire that needed to be sated.

The memory still makes me feel hot and hungry for him every time I think about it.

I'd bitten down on my lip, feeling drunk on his taste as he'd tugged at the corset lacing that was keeping my dress together. I'd unwound the tie from his neck and ripped his shirt open, the sound of buttons clinking on the cool tiled floors, his hot muscles heaving and gleaming under my splayed fingers. I'd listened to the hush of my dress as it was pushed past my hips and pooled on the floor between us. He'd lowered his mouth to my neck and I'd moaned as he'd pinched at my hard nipples, cupped and fondled my breasts before his hand had slipped into my knickers and pressed his palm against my damp virginity before pushing a finger inside my heat.

I'd felt my knees buckle at his touch.

I'd clung to him as he made my desire burn inside me. I ached in a way I hadn't known possible. Lifting me from the pool of my dress, he'd carried me into the living room of our house, his feet pattering on the tiled floor, and placed me down on the floor on my back in front of the low burning fire in the grate. I'd gasped as my skin touched the tiles and I arched my back in the light of the glowing flames. A hot weight pressed down between my legs and I'd looked up into Peeta's firm blue eyes, so serious and yet so tender and filled with love. He'd pressed kisses against my mouth, my neck and then down my breasts and navel before easing himself lower between my legs. I'd shuddered and clenched my thighs together, embarrassment flooding through me. Why would he want to kiss there?

It took him a little while before I'd eventually relented, clenched my eyes shut, sweating with embarrassment. My insides had quivered when his tongue ran over me and I'd no choice but to gasp out loud, my heart stuttering in my chest. I felt my inhibitions evaporate as he worked his tongue and fingers inside me, easing me for what was to come. I quivered and ached to have him claim me, making me his own forever.

I'd taken my time running my fingers through his hair and tugged at it, a pleading noise escaped my throat that I'd not intended to make. I felt him smirk down knowingly at me. He tugged my knickers off of my ankle and shifted awkwardly out of his own trousers, his underwear catching on his prosthetic leg. I'd glanced down the length of my own naked body and finally looked up at him, highlighted by the fire in all of his glory. A tremor had gone through me as I drank in his physique fully for the first time. He really was a beautiful man. The fine silvery scars that hadn't completely healed yet only added to his beauty. I didn't dare imagine he thought the same about me, but the look on his face had said everything his words could not. Lowering on his arms he'd promised me that he would be as gentle as possible. When he guided himself inside me, and united our souls as 'one', I'd been lost.

We made love for three days straight. We'd done it in every room of his –our –house. The morning after our first time in the living room I'd woken up on the cold floor with a fur blanket draped over me and Peeta humming in the kitchen, the smells of baking bread warm on the early morning air. I'd cuddled the blankets tighter around me, trying to trap the warmth around me, before eventually getting up and gone in to him. I'd crossed the kitchen where he stood in front of the ovens. I'd walked up to him, covered only in the blanket and pressed my naked breasts against his bare back as he fiddled with the timer dial on the oven. I'd rested my chin in the crook of his neck and wound my arm around his waist, slipping my fingers to curl around his soft length.

"_Kat_?" he'd breathed gently, his voice rumbling in amusement, "_What are you doing_?" His voice had been husky from sleep and the desire I felt grow in my hand. A thrill had run through me as he'd turned and eased me onto his scrubbed clean countertop.

We'd made passionate love that morning, barely breaking for the burning cheese rolls he'd made for our first breakfast as husband and wife.

We'd only really taken a break on the third day because we'd both needed a break and because Peeta had told me, as tenderly as possible, that if I was so set on not having children then I would need to take the proper precautions against such a thing from happening. It had certainly put a dampener on our lazy morning snuggled up together in bed. I'd swallowed thickly at his words, a cold hand coming up to squeeze at my heart. It had chipped away at his humanity, to say those words. They hung in the air over our heads as a tired seed of hope broke in his chest. I know he'd wanted me to stay that morning, deep down inside him he had wanted me to stay. I had felt it in his grasp as I'd unwound myself from his tender embrace. He'd wanted me to reconsider, hoping against hope that our love-making had dulled my fears, because I had him now and neither of us would be alone again.

I'd almost done just that and slipped back into bed with him, but something had stopped me. If I'd loved him enough it would have been a no-brainer really. Maybe that had been the problem. Maybe I didn't feel like I loved him enough.

Maybe.

That was the moment that an invisible barrier had arisen between us. The light and hope dulled in his eyes as my silence spoke out for me. He'd shuffled out of bed and had come over to gently stroke a knot-free strand of hair from my face as he'd passed me into the bathroom. I hadn't the heart to look up into his eyes and see the pain swimming in them. The pain that I'd put there. However, when I did look up into his eyes I saw nothing but tenderness and love burning forth softly from his soul. At that moment, Haymitch's words had rung out in my head.

"_You could live a hundred lifetimes and still not deserve that boy_."

He was right, I'd decided, I didn't deserve Peeta and I don't think I ever will.

Since that day I had been protected from pregnancy and hadn't had another painful moment with Peeta –not of that magnitude anyway. Of course we fought, what couple didn't? I am a selfish person and sometimes it got the better of me. For fifteen years we'd lived our lives with one another and travelled around Panem, helping with the plans to rebuild the other districts' and map out plans for future development.

The housing in the seam of District twelve was bigger, brighter and easier to maintain for stay-at-home mothers. They had running water and basic heating appliances. I loathed those frosty winters where I'd cuddled up with Prim and even my mother on some nights in front of the low burning stove and trying to rub some warmth into our limbs. Food was no longer in short supply for those that had struggled years beforehand. Members from each district had flocked to District Seven where they had learned about farming in a 'school' erected in memory of those who had fallen for Seven. Skills were learned and soon Twelve had large fields growing our own food. We only ate grain when we WANTED to. Many people, especially in the seam, had small vegetable patches growing, so even if they didn't have much meat they could still have things like fruit cakes and zucchini breads and things like that. Many couldn't bake them themselves, so in exchange for giving their some of their produce to Mellark's bakery, Peeta's dad and brother –sometimes Peeta himself –would create pastry and breaded treats for them.

Suffice to say, no one at the seam starved as they had done before the revolution.

It had surprised me to discover just how frail the Capitol's old system had been in the first place.

As the result of a unanimous vote across Panem it was decided that a small hospital with capitol-engineered equipment and medicines would be positioned in each district, mostly for work related injuries. For major injuries like trauma or severed limbs they were taken straight to the capitol for treatment, something that never would have happened beforehand. My mother even worked in the District Twelve Hospital. She mainly tries to combine her healing remedies with the new-age capitol medicines. So far her attempts have worked well. She even gets orders from other Districts. She lives quite comfortably now. I have her modified sleeping solution that's tinted with lavender to help me sleep at night. It didn't have the same bitter taste I remembered from the Capitol's medicine, thankfully. I only used it when I had the tingling at the back of my neck that often indicated a night wrought with nightmares that drowned me in my own sweat and self-loathing.

Peeta liked to use the one tinted with either honey or cinnamon.

Johanna was often sent mint tinted ones in our weekly letters to one another. I say letters; I usually sent her little food parcels with a few of Peeta's chocolate chip breakfast buns along with a few phials. I often got worried that she never used them, and merely stored them up for when she got the urge to never wake up again. I knew she had those thoughts. I'd had them myself sometimes, and I don't doubt that Peeta has had them too, though he'd never admit it to me for fear of scaring me. There was a pattern. Whenever we did get that specific urge we would try to go a prolonged amount of time before getting a refill of our dosage from my mother. However, whenever I would go and visit her with Peeta, she always seemed as well rested and content as anyone with Johanna's background could be.

For fifteen years I watched as Panem had grown stronger and moved forward away from the heavy shadow of the revolution and all that had been before it. It was interesting to watch as we gradually began to thrive once again. For every one of those fifteen years Peeta and I had been careful and adapted to this new, threat-free way of life.

A shiver ran through me at that thought.

I glanced up at the white porcelain sink where, not ten minutes ago, I had placed the white stick I kept just in case of emergencies, although really they were for my own peace of mind and self-assurance that we would be alright, that it would be just the two of us. I'd been so careful. I knew I was being paranoid as I raked a hand through my hair and blew out a sigh. It was the middle of winter, after all. I had all the symptoms of the flu, a runny nose included. I just wanted to be sure.

Drawing in a deep breath I forced myself back to the present and the matter at hand. I stood up and braced myself over the sink, my eyes clenched shut. Why couldn't I look? The answer was simple.

I was afraid.

Every time I afraid even though I knew it would be negative. Even though I _wanted_ it to be negative. I often questioned my fear of seeing the result. Was it because, deep down, I may have wanted to be a mother on some level? I shook my head in disgust at myself. Not a chance. How could I risk what happened to me, happen to someone smaller and twice as innocent? How was I meant to hush away their nightmares when I couldn't even control mine, or even help Peeta with his own?

But then … Didn't Peeta deserve a chance to be happy as a father?

Gasping, I looked up into my reflections' eyes, alone tear dripping from my eyelashes and running down the curve of my clammy cheek. How many more years would Peeta secretly resent me for not giving him children before the love between us died and he left me forever? He would go off to Delly or someone else who could give him children without a second thought for her own well-being or what it might do to her … down there. Or the general risks of being a parent.

I breathed in and then looked down.

The result stared up at me. I felt a blow to my heart and my stomach clenched tightly inside me. I felt both relief and disgust flood through me in equal measures. I raked my hair fiercely from my face and forced myself to smile, a tight-lipped ugly expression marring my features into a mask I had once perfected for thousands of cameras, the black hole in my soul expanding. I would need to get more protection. I was running very low.

'_It's okay_,' I told myself, '_Peeta will be home soon and you can go to the hospital together_.'

I accidentally allowed my gaze to shift back to the test sitting on the edge of the sink. Rookie mistake. My knees buckled beneath me and I threw myself over the bowl of the toilet as I emptied the bile bubbling up at the back of my throat.

Negative. It was always negative.

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**A/N: Please read and and review! Updates are on Tuesdays so keep at eye out and add the story to your alerts.**


	2. CHAPTER 1 Katniss

**Pairing: Peeta x Katniss.**

**Rating: M**

**Warning: Mature content. Deals with issues of pregnancy, and other issues that readers may find sensitive.**

**Disclaimer: After fifteen years of marriage Katniss is counting the minutes for a pregnancy test to show results. She'd always been so careful. She had no idea what the rebellious actions she takes would cause to her marriage. Fighting to survive the hurdles of love and life and a needy little puppy thrown into the mix, Katniss is living in her own brand of hell. Can she manage to fix the damage and fall in love with Peeta again before they both seriously contemplate divorce?**

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**Chapter One**

_Katniss_

I sat at the kitchen table nursing a cup of chamomile tea in between my hands and watching the steam plume up and curl about in the still air of the house.

I glanced up at the clock in the kitchen that read 4:45pm. I sighed and closed my eyes for a moment, doing nothing but inhaling and exhaling for a few moments. It had taken all of my energy to claw myself out of the bathroom and away from that damned pregnancy test. It was balled up in a wad of toilet paper and jammed to the very bottom of the small bin underneath the sink. I still felt a little cold and shaky but I'd managed to make myself some tea and was now waiting to hear Peeta trumping up the front garden path. He would have left the bakery not too long ago so I still had a few moments to myself to compose myself. I wasn't going to tell him about taking the test. There was no need.

He would only worry and I didn't need him to do that.

My nose felt raw and tingly from where I'd been blowing it all day and if I could cross my eyes, it would no doubt be glowing bright red. I scoffed and ran a hand down my face just as I heard the stomping of boots on the porch and then a key slotting into the lock. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up as I focused my gaze on my tea.

"Hey," Peeta's voice floated in on the air as the cold breeze surfed in through the door and curling around my naked ankles. I shivered and clenched my legs tighter together. I listened to Peeta taking his jacket off and toeing his boots off before coming over into the kitchen, the scent of cold and wood-smoke clinging to his clothes. He came up and stood behind my chair and placed his hands on my shoulders. His warm weight was comforting to my cold body. I leaned back slightly into his touch. "I didn't think you'd be home so early," he murmured as he dropped a kiss onto my still unwashed hair.

I shook my head from side-to-side my stomach doing flip-flops as I forced my mouth to work, "I didn't go in today. I woke up just after you left and I just felt ... awful." My voice fell as the last word tumbled off of my tongue and I wrapped my arms tighter around my cold, empty stomach.

His warm hand stroked over my head and rested against my forehead, "Hmmm you are a little warm. Do you want to stop by the hospital and get something for it? Just in case it could get worse?" His tone was so soft and soothing that it didn't irritated me like sometimes it did when I was feeling out of sorts.

I peered up at him, my head suddenly feeling very heavy, "Yeah okay, that sounds good. I need to grab some more tablets anyway. I'm running a little low."

"Fair enough," Peeta muttered and then smiled and pressing a firm kiss to my cool cheek. The smell of baked bread rolling off of him made me a little hungry. My stomach gave a growl of confirmation. He smiled even wider, "And when we get back home, I'll cook you some lamb stew, how does that sound?"

I smiled at the thought of being able to eat my favourite food at the end of such a long and trying day. I reached up and wrapped my fingers around one of his hands and squeezed. Just being near him and touching him seemed to light a small fire inside me, a small beacon of hope that always kept me going. I pressed a kiss against his knuckles, "I'll just get my boots on then."

I took my time going up the stairs to our room, my arms wrapped tightly around my middle. I drew in deep breaths, clinging onto the warmth that still burned on my skin from Peeta's touch. I sat on the edge of our large bed, sinking into the mattress, and dug my heels into my boots before tying the laces. They were my favourite pair of boots. One of the last few things Cinna had made me before the Capitol had gotten him. They had a soft fur trim around the top of them and they were comfortable as anything I'd ever had on my feet.

Before hurrying back downstairs with a thick jumper tugged down over my head, I stopped into the bathroom to brush my hair into a loose braid and rinse my face a little more. I felt a little more in control of myself. That's what I loathed the most, not being in control of myself. Peeta helped to steady me. That's one of the many reasons why I loved him. As I stepped back away from the mirror I glanced down at the bin. I felt my features harden, before I stooped down to snatch the little plastic from inside the bin, tie it off with a knot and carry it downstairs with me. I couldn't want it in the house. I couldn't have it anywhere near me.

When I came back downstairs into the kitchen Peeta had wrapped himself up in his coat and tugged his boots back onto his feet already. I smiled at how cute he looked in his blue scarf and warm woollen coat. "You ready?" he asked me, his eyes bright and cheeks already a little pink from the temperature change.

I nodded my head and grabbed my coat off the hook and wrapped myself up in it, before grabbing the bag at my feet, "Yeah I'm all set. Let's go," I gave him a soft smile before tiptoeing up and pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek. "You need a shave," I stated as I ran a finger over the vague stubble growing over his chin.

He smiled wider and shook his head before rubbing his cheek roughly against mine, "But you love my stubble," he grinned as I squirmed out of his arms, my cheeks feeling a little warmer already.

I shook my head with a small smile before my eyes drifted to the clock, "Come on, we'd better go before it closes." Peeta nodded his head in agreement before pocketing our house keys and wrapped an arm around my waist as we walked out into the cool October wind.

The Victors Village was no longer the desolate place where only we lied alongside Haymitch. Mayor Undersea and the council of twelve had auctioned off the rest of the houses to the highest bidder. It was a good idea and a way for the districts to earn a little extra money, especially considering a good few people who lived in the Capitol had had bidding wars to grab one of the houses as a 'country get-away'. I'd personally been a little insulted at first, but after seeing what people got up to in the Capitol, it was no wonder they thought the other Districts were more 'country' than 'city'. They mellowed down their wardrobes too, especially after their first visits where they'd adorned their usual clothes and had a lot of people staring at them.

Either way it was nicer knowing that we had a few extra warm lights brightening our walk out of the Victors Village towards the road that led into the town centre.

I hugged myself a little tighter to Peeta's side as we moved along the road, the cool wind whipping the stray strands of my hair into my eyes. He tightened his hold around my hand and I felt my stomach flip slightly. It unsettled me a little but the feeling wasn't entirely unpleasant. I leaned my head over onto his shoulder and inhaled the scent of baking bread that still lung to his scarf. The walk to the hospital only took us about forty minutes but by the time we got there by feet felt a little sore.

The doors opened up with the suction hush that they always did, to a bright white waiting area that smelled of disinfectant and rubber. Our soles squeaked as we crossed over to the desk. The receptionist -yes, we have those now -looked up and immediately flushed red when she saw Peeta. Immediately my eyes narrowed and all my muscles tensed on the defensive. Was I invisible to her all of a sudden? Couldn't she see that my arms were wrapped around Peeta's? I glared at her and cleared my throat loudly. Her gaze snapped to me and she instantly flushed more out of embarrassment and anger that Peeta was taken, as she forced herself to remain 'focused'. "Is there something I can help you with?" she asked rather tartly.

"I need to see Dr. Everdeen," I stated in a rough voice, not appreciating the glances she get kept shooting over at Peeta as she shifted with papers on her desk. She passed over a form for me to fill in. Without a 'thank you' I went over to seat in one of the soft cushioned chairs lining the waiting area, with Peeta sitting down at my side. As I filled in the forms, my brow furrowed as I filled in the monotonous questions, Peeta drifted over to the small bookshelf propped up in the corner.

Unsurprising, sometimes we could wait for ages just for my tablets. Hardly seemed worth it.

I flinched and my hand stilled as the pen hovered over the 'tick box' section. Where had that come from? True, sometimes I would begrudge myself for being so against having children, because at least then I wouldn't have to stop by the hospital every three months to get my prescription refilled. It was tiresome, but I wasn't honestly going to consider putting my body and both of our lives through such dramatic changes, just to avoid a few extra trips to the hospital -was I? Besides, if I were to get pregnant, then I would spend a good two-thirds of my time in the hospital. I'd be paranoid that I'd be doing something wrong almost twice a day.

Shaking my head slightly, I leaned back in my chair and sighed heavily, trying to collect my bearings and make sure that my eyes didn't prick with hot tears. Tears would mean my nose would get hot and then I would start sneezing. I didn't need to spread my flu around anymore than it had already been done. I ran a hand over the hair that fallen in front of my eyes before something moving in the corner of my eye caught my attention.

Over in the corner of the room, by the bookcase, there was a little play area to amuse any children who came in with their parents and got bored easily. The toys were basic; cast-off's from the Capitol. A few things haven't changed too much. Kneeling down beside the brightly coloured toys was a little boy. I don't know what made me stare. Maybe it was the way his chubby little pink hands grabbed at the stuffed crocodile with its cheesy grin, or the way his blonde hair sort of looked like Peeta's when he was younger -curling slightly at the ends -or how his eyes flashed a dazzling shade of blue-grey when he grinned up at his mother sitting two seats along from the bookshelf.

I chewed on the inside of my cheek and watched out of the corner of my eye as Peeta leaned forward in his chair after the little boy toddled over to him and jabbed the stuffed crocodile against Peeta's knee. His face broke out into a grin and my heart clenched painfully at the look he exchanged with the boy's mother. She was pretty. She had her hair cut short to her shoulder and was a soft honey blonde colour, curling slightly around her chin. Her face was heart-shaped and soft looking, with long brown eyelashes framing her pale blue eyes.

I swallowed against the lump in my throat and tried to focus on the form in my lap, but my gaze kept straying to the little boy and his crocodile. He had a bright giggle and his eyes scrunched up when he grinned. I suddenly felt a little queasy as I watched Peeta lean forward and pinch the little boys' cheeks. What if Peeta did find someone else to have a beautiful little baby with? What then? Would all of them look like Peeta? Would they have his blonde hair and his outlook on life? Would they be as carefree as that little boy tottering around over the lino floor, bouncing the crocodile in his arms?

Is that would _our_ child would look like?

And what if I had Peeta's baby? Bearing in mind if I managed to carry the child to term, would I be able to look into his little face and love him? Would I be able to carry him around until he can toddle about on his own? Would I smile and get teary-eyed when I see our little boy hurrying over at break-neck speed to grasp his Daddy's legs?

I sniffed loudly and scrubbed at my eyes and forced myself to focus on the forms. I needed to stop thinking about it. I don't know why this particular negative test had shaken me so much. I felt so queasy that I just wanted to go back home and crawl into bed, naked, and wrap the cool cotton sheets around me and sleep.

"_Katniss Mellark_!"

I jerked my head up and felt my eyes shine with fresh tears. I cuffed them with the back of my hand and stood up abruptly from my chair. With a bitter taste in my mouth I hurried on through to my mother's room, Peeta's squeaky soles following close behind. I clutched the clipboard in between my clammy, sweating hands and breathed deeply through my nose. I didn't pause to knock on my mother's door. I just walked in.

"Katniss?" mother's head jerked up from where it had been bent over some forms she'd been filling out for the last patient who had walked out. I must have passed them on the way along the corridor, but hadn't noticed them. She looked a little worried behind her professional smile. Vaguely behind me I sense Peeta come into the room and close the door behind him. I sat down on the other end of her desk and waited for her to sit back in her chair and look at me fully. "What can I do for you today, Katniss?" she asked me without her normal tone of professionalism. She was a little warmer towards me in recent years, like the icy barrier between me had somehow melted a little by our loss of Prim. Our father's death had made the barrier, and not Prim's death weakened it, making it easier for me and mother to co-exist peacefully.

I licked my lips and was about to ask for a refill of my tablets, when Peeta spoke up for me. "Would you be able to give us a draught? Katniss has run up a fever in the last couple of days and I don't want the cold to get beyond this point if we can help it." I looked over at Peeta and felt a flush of guilt run through me. I'd immediately gone to what was worrying most. I am glad that Peeta is there to put more important matters first.

I turned to look back at my mother who had a curious look on her face. I forced myself to appear satisfied with that answer and nodded my head a little, "I can't be cooped up for too long."

She gave me a sympathetic smile and jotted down a few things on the form I'd slid over to her. "Alright well do you want a flavoured one or one that will just numb you to the flu's effects?"

I shrugged a little, "I wouldn't mind a flavoured one."

"Which flavour? There's a new batch that I've just managed to get approved to sell, of apples and raspberry."

I bit my lip. I did love raspberries, among a good few other of the edible berries I could grab in the forest. They reminded me of Dad. I glanced up at my mother, so much like Prim, and knew that she'd suggested that one purely for me. I nodded my head, "Yes, I'd like that one."

I watched as she scribbled out the prescription for me. She glanced up and tapped her pen a couple of times, "Is there anything else that you needed?"

I glanced over at Peeta and suddenly felt hot fresh waves of guilt rushing through me. I felt like this was the first time I was asking for them again. Why was I feeling so stupid today? It must be the flu, I decided. It was messing with my mind. "I ... er I need a refill of my cautionary tablets," I managed to say in a strangled voice.

She gave a curt nod and then jotted down another note onto the prescription pad before signing off on it, and ripping the sheet of wafer thin paper off the pad. She handed it over to me, "Take this to the pharmacy on the corner, they'll give these both to you. Don't worry," she said more so to Peeta than to me, "This dosage will make sure that she's better within three days."

"That fast?" he asked a hint of bemusement in his voice. My own lips quirked a little as I took the paper from my mother and smiled at her. Peeta's eyes fell on me and he looked relieved, "That's good then," he murmured and pressed a kiss to my clammy forehead. I inwardly grimaced. I'd definitely need to take a shower when we got home.

Noticing that my mother was shifting a little awkwardly in her seat, I blurted out, "Do you want to come to dinner at ours on Sunday?" No one in that room was more shocked than I was, but I held my ground and met my mother in the eye.

Peeta rocked back and forth in his seat a couple of times, "Well -my parents are supposed to be coming, but if you're free we can always add one more seat," he smiled brightly over at my mother. Ever the charmer he was, "We can make it a little family get together."

I watched as my mother smile, her pale blue eyes shimmering slightly, "That would be lovely Peeta, thank you. I look forward to it." She turned her eyes on me and gave me a genuine smile and my heart ached appreciatively.

Once we said our goodbyes we found ourselves back out in the chilly twilight. It took no longer than ten minutes detouring a little towards the village centre where we picked up both my prescriptions before we turned and made our way back to the Victors Village. On several occasions the air around us hummed with anticipation of a conversation, mostly from my end, but I couldn't find the words to voice out my jumbled thoughts. Instead, I clamped my mouth shut tight until a dull ache bloomed in my jaw and I clung a little tighter to Peeta, focusing on putting one foot in front of the other and not stumbling on the cobblestones instead of the laughing little boy engraved onto the insides of my eyelids.

I tightened my hold on Peeta's arm even more.

It was just after 8pm when we hurried into the warmth of our front hallway, toed off our shoes and hung up our coats. Peeta unwound the scarf from around his neck and hung it up before clapping his hands together and rubbing a little bit more warmth into them. "So do you fancy some of that delicious lamb stew?" he asked with bright eyes.

I smiled lovingly at him and leaned over to press a lingering kiss to his wind chapped lips. My breath hitched as his lips pressed against mine. Every kiss we shared made my heart skip a beat. He intoxicated me. Reluctantly, I pulled away and sucked his taste of my lips and hummed softly, my eyelids fluttering gently. "Erm ... I was going to take a quick shower ..." I trailed off whilst gesturing to the staircase.

Peeta looked at me as though there was no problem. He nodded his smile still bright and cheerful. "Alright, that's fine. You go and shower and freshen up and by the time you come down it'll be ready hot off the stove, how does that sound?"

I nodded and allowed myself to lean over to him and press myself against him. He huffed a small smile and wound his arms around me, hugging me tightly so that I could feel his muscles pressing up through his thin jumper. He rubbed my back and then drew away from me. With a nod of his head, he smiled and stroked a strand of hair behind my ear, "Go on and shower."

We shared another tender kiss before I let my feet carry me up the stairs, away from the warmth of the kitchen and my husband's arms.

The hot spray of the shower was such a relief as I clawed my hair out of the sloppy braid it had been in, shook it out, and soaked it underneath the water. I combed my fingers through it and clenched my eyes against the water pouring down over me. I soaped my hands up and rubbed the suds all over my body, watching as the pearly bubbles slithered down over my breasts, my dark nipples and soaking into my nether regions. I shampooed my hair with lavender scented shampoo -something else to aid me into a sleep state -and rinsed it under the spray. For a brief moment I imagined Peeta in there with me. I imagined his wet hands running over the curve of my thighs and caressing the roundness of my arse, and the firmness of my breasts. I hummed softly to myself and slid my hands down to touch myself, but as soon as my hands touched the flat planes of my stomach I jerked them away as though I'd been burned.

Swallowing thickly, I decided to get out of the shower, dry myself off and change into a pair of loose pyjamas that were perfect for all kinds of weather. Only when it got really cold did I dig out the thermals. I towel-dried my hair and then when it was only slightly damp, I twisted it into a braid and tossed it over my shoulder. I slipped my feet into some boot-socks and then hurried back downstairs as soon as the coaxing scent of lamb stew drifted in on the air.

"I was just about to call you down," Peeta chuckled as he ladled the lamb stew into two large bowls and then prepared a small plate of different crackers and dipping breads. I smiled over at him. No one else in the world took care of me like Peeta did. I don't even think Gale would have done, especially not after fifteen years. I drifted over to where Peeta stood; my arms wrapped around my stomach and rested my head in the crook of his neck. He reached around me and fingered my braid before his arm around around me, hugged me gently and pressed a kiss to the corner of my mouth. I turned my head around and kissed him back on the lips.

I rubbed our noses together and then grabbed my bowl and the plate of crackers to take over to the small breakfast table. Peeta followed with his own bowl and then with a couple of mugs. Two teas and one of my flu draughts. It smelled beautiful, exactly like raspberries. I smiled over at him, feeling bashful all of a sudden, as though this was the first time I'd ever had someone take care of me. Or perhaps it was only the events of the day putting everything into perspective and showing me just how perfect Peeta and I were together. Of course we had our problems -what couple didn't? -but overall, we were more compatible and happy together than most couples before and a few even after the revolution. As we started to eat I reached over and slipped my hand into Peeta's. He looked momentarily surprised before squeezing back, his eyes gleaming bright blue in the dim golden light of our kitchen. "I love you," I mumbled softly with a timid smile up at him. It was so out of character for me, but I was suddenly hit with the realization that maybe I didn't tell this perfect, real-life man just how I felt at least once a day. I squeezed his hand, "I really really do."

He squeezed back with that smile that made my knees go weak beneath me. I held onto him as though the floor was going to swallow me whole. "I love you too, Katniss," he pressed my fingers to his lips, "What's brought this on?"

I shrugged my shoulders and drew my hands around the base of my bowl and inhaled the scent deeply, "I just ... you're so wonderful to me and I feel like sometimes I don't appreciate it enough or at the very least I don't tell you how much it means to me."

He smiled softly and dunked a chunk of raisin bread into his soup before popping it into his mouth, "I know what it means to you, Katniss. You show me whenever I feel under the weather?"

"Do I?" This was news to me. What could I possibly do to even come close to what Peeta did for me?

"Of course you do," he affirmed with strength behind his words that I couldn't ignore, "We take care of one another. This is what we do. You look after me just as much when I'm not feeling well or even if I've just had a rough night sleeping. You get up early to make me breakfast in bed just so I can take longer in the shower afterwards, and you meet me at the bakery for lunch with some draught in case I'm feeling shaky, and you meet me after work to walk me home and tell me a silly story to make me laugh and take my mind off of things." His words nestled in my heart with a soft heat that radiated through me. They were all true but I did most of those things unconsciously, drive to the extreme for my desire to make sure that Peeta didn't hurt or suffer more than need be. Even if it was just a bad day, I wanted to see him as soon as possible and cheer him up, because a day where Peeta was miserable made my heart ache painfully in my chest and made it hard to breathe.

"I ... I do those things because I hate to see you so miserable or in pain," I mumbled as I spooned the last soggy chunks of lamb into my mouth and reached for some bread to soak up the last of the stew.

He stroked his fingers down over my forearm and squeezed it reassuringly, "That's why I do those things too. Because seeing you so upset or lonely makes me upset as well. And there's no reason for us both being unhappy," he pressed his lips down on my hand and I smiled softly, my fingers tingling when he drew away. "How about we put these dishes in to soak and see what's on the Network to watch?" he asked softly, his gaze boring into mine and making me feel safe and happy as though I were floating on warm clouds.

I nodded and started to scoop all the bowls together, "That sounds good. I'll sort these out and you try and find something that doesn't melt our brains."

"I'll be there all night then," Peeta mumbled as his hand trailed down my back and squeezed at my arse. It made me jump and I whipped around to look at him but he had already hobbled over to the plush sofa in our lounge area and starting flicking through the Network channels. I smiled and shook my head to myself before turning my attention to the dishes in my hands.

Later that night as Peeta slept in our bed, already exhausted from the comfortable food and our slow, lazy love-making in front of a cheesy Network show by the fire, I stood in the kitchen with a glass of water and a little white pill in the palm of my hand. I still felt a little light-headed and definitely a little sore from our sex, but I was still drifting down from my euphoric state that I was desperate just to go to bed, the combination of lavender shampoo and the flu draught mixing together to make me sleepy.

I glanced at the pill in my hand and blanched, the euphoria evaporating like steam out of a window. I wanted to get back on that after-sex high. I glared at the pill, as though it had personally offended me. In one swift motion, I dropped it into the steep porcelain basin and dashed my glass of cold water down on top of it, washing it away down the drain.

Turning off all the lights as I went back to the stairs, I hurried up to my bedroom and my gorgeous husband before my brain had registered what I'd done.

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**A/N: I know I said I wouldn't update until Tuesday but I just couldn't resist. I hope you enjoy this update. Please read and review!**


	3. CHAPTER 2 Katniss

Pairing: Peeta x Katniss.

Rating: M

Warning: Mature content. Deals with issues of pregnancy, and other issues that readers may find sensitive.

Disclaimer: After fifteen years of marriage Katniss is counting the minutes for a pregnancy test to show results. She'd always been so careful. She had no idea what the rebellious actions she takes would cause to her marriage. Fighting to survive the hurdles of love and life and a needy little puppy thrown into the mix, Katniss is living in her own brand of hell. Can she manage to fix the damage and fall in love with Peeta again before they both seriously contemplate divorce?

**A/N: Okay I just got a review saying my story is riddled with plotholes already. Okay I'm going to straight that out. 1) Mayor Undersea is alive because I kept him alive and he is only mentioned that ONCE in the entire story, so why does it matter? 2) There was a war, the mayor could easily have lived and Madge have died. Just because they were related doesn't mean she's immune if he stays alive. 3) It took Katniss and Peeta 40minutes to walk to and back from the hospital, but they took an EXTRA 10minutes DETOUR to get to the pharmacy. I'd appreciate that if you can't read a story properly, then don't bother reading any further or reviewing. Thanks.**

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**Chapter Two**

_Katniss_

Four days after I started flushing my pills down the drain, my period came.

It hit me like a ton of bricks while I was out hunting in the forest; the punch to my stomach had me bending over a rotted tree stump to catch my breath and wait for the familiar yet abusive pain to ebb away enough for me to straighten up as much as possible and hobble home with the few catches in my satchel. I'd curled up with a hot water bottle pressing down into my abdomen for the better part of the afternoon. Eventually I forced myself to move and pluck the birds down to their skins and salt the meat and hang it in the larder. It wasn't fair for Peeta to have to do it all after a day at the bakery.

Afterwards, I'd stood over the kitchen counter with my head in my hand whilst the kettle brewed on the hob. I needed something to relax my nerves. I'd been feeling so jittery over the last week since I'd taken that godforsaken test. I still blatantly refused to admit to myself the reason as to why I was flushing my pills down the sink. If I did that, then I would open myself up to a whole new world of self-degradation and hypocrisy that I wasn't ready to face yet. Not even from myself, as cowardly as that is. I needed to take things one little step at a time. I was on my period which was a good sign. I was getting rid of the hormones that had been in my system. Normally it takes at least two weeks. At least my period was giving me something else to focus on for a little while.

Peeta's key in the lock and cheery 'Hello!' made my ears prick with the sudden onslaught of noise after so many hours with only the sound of my own breathing and heartbeat for company. I gave him a tired smile over my shoulder as his arms wrapped around my waist and caressed my hipbone through my jeans. "I missed you today," he breathed against my neck, his afternoon shadow brushing against my jaw. It tickled and I felt my lips tug up into a smile.

I turned and pressed a lingering kiss on his cheek, closing my eyes as I inhaled the solid familiarity of my husband. "I missed you too," I found myself humming. It was the truth. I always missed Peeta. He was my rock, my anchor to the sane and normal flow of my life. Moments without him would make me panic and as soon as I saw that easy-going smile and those brilliant blue eyes I would feel like a silly young girl again, berating myself for ever having doubted myself –_us_.

"What's for dinner?" he asked as he set about unwinding his scarf from around his neck and toeing his boots off by the door. They slumped slightly against my hunting boots.

I ran a hand through my errand hairs and turned back to check the timer on the oven, "I was just heating up one of the pheasant pies you made last week. I wasn't feeling anything too big."

He smiled and went about making himself some tea. Fifteen years later and it still surprised me how domesticated we could both be, "That sounds lovely. I brought some left over cookies from the bakery so at least we can have dessert." He gave me a little wink before going to sit down at the table. He picked up the newspaper I hadn't noticed before –probably nicked it from Haymitch or his father –and went about scanning the articles. I checked the timer again, thankful that the pie was almost done and sipped at my own tea. "Don't forget that my parents and your mum are coming over here for dinner on Sunday," he reminded in a soft voice.

"I haven't forgotten," I replied over my shoulder, "I'm sure I can get a nice fat Turkey in exchange for something."

Peeta shrugged with that easy smile of his. "We could always just have roast pheasant. I doubt anyone would actually know the real difference except for you and me."

It was true. The few times where we had hosted dinner and everyone had said how delicious the turkey had been. Peeta had tickled my thigh under the table and winked at me before focusing all too intently on his meal. It hadn't been a turkey, but instead a nice fat pheasant I'd shot two days prior. It tasted better than turkey anyway, especially with Peeta's homemade biscuits and gravy. It was beautiful. Every plate came back to the sink wiped clean. There was no doubt we could pull it off again. I shrugged a shoulder, "Why not? I shot three today and they're already hanging up in the larder."

"Look at you, planning for the future," he teased with a cheeky grin.

I choked.

"Kat, are you okay?" he asked, reaching out to pat me on the back as I spluttered and hacked against a soaked biscuit that had gone down the wrong way and gotten lodged in my oesophagus. He thumped my back a few times before I finally coughed loudly, spluttered into my hand, and then drew in a deep, calming breath. He passed me my drink and I took a few slow gulps down before my airway had cleared completely. The concern on his face made him look every one of his thirty-three years. I wanted to kiss the vague lines away from his eyes and make him young again.

I rested my head against his shoulder and gave him a nod, my heart still beating erratically in my ears, "Sorry, I must have swallowed wrong," I stuttered a little lamely. He squeezed my thigh but didn't move away from me. I was glad, because I didn't want to give up his closeness just yet. I know he's my husband but being overly affectionate is simply too out of character for me. I forced myself to sit up properly and return to my food, my right hand still linked with his own. He gave my fingers a squeeze and a reassuring smile.

As I ate, my mind drifted a little further away from reality and to the words that had made me choke in the first place.

_Planning for the future …_

Even though there was no real way he could possibly know, not yet anyway, those words had scared me and I'd been hit full force with what I was actually trying to do. I was doing this all of my own accord. I didn't even know if Peeta even _wanted_ children anymore. Weren't we too old by now? There were so many things I didn't even consider thinking about until that moment and now they were all I _could_ think about. What would I tell my mother when she eventually found out? Would she berate me for not taking proper precautions or would she chastise me for not even consulting my husband in the first place? I was risking a lot every time one of those tiny white tablets were rinsed down the drain. Suddenly my throat felt very small and I struggled to finish my last few bites of pie off.

Not to mention in two days I would have to be keeping up this charade of being 'normal' –or as far as either one of us would get –in front of Peeta's parents and my mother. It just didn't bare thinking about.

After dinner I excused myself to have a shower. I felt that I needed some alone time to think. When I came out of the shower I still hadn't reached a next step forward or formed a proper idea of how I should go about broaching the subject with Peeta. He shouldn't be shackled into having kids if he's changed his mind. He needed to know but how was I supposed to tell him? I couldn't just blurt this out. It had been a sensitive subject since before he and I had even properly met one another. I sighed as I went back to Peeta and stayed up late in front of the Network on the TV eating away at the large bundle of leftover cookies. It would have been a peaceful night, if it wasn't for those little pills weighing down at the back of my mind.

I needed to make a proper plan, and fast.

~0~

By Sunday I was off my period and feeling a little more like my regular self. I got up early before Peeta and changed, grateful that my father's old hunting jacket still fit me, the smell of old leather comforting my senses. My mind had been half-numb like it was most mornings as I brushed my teeth and raked my hair out of my face before heading out the bedroom door, but not before bending down on Peeta's side of the bed, stroking back his soft blonde fringe and pressing a warm kiss to his forehead. His blonde eyelashes fluttered in his sleep and his lips quirked a little in a smile before he snuggled down further in his pillow. I could have watched him all day but I'd promised Sae I'd get a few more rabbits for her. She always paid well, now that she owned a proper business, and I couldn't really deny her after all we'd been through together.

Sae, with a loan she's gotten from a Capitol business program, had taken advantage of some of the shut up businesses in town and had bought one just for herself. She'd literally named it after the nickname everyone had given her. 'Greasy Sae's' was now the most popular restaurant in Twelve. Even people from the Capitol –the holiday homers –would come in for a bite to eat and even bring some friends with them. They tipped well and left with bloated bellies. Everyone was happy. I was the main supplier of the meat and Sae paid very well, not that I needed the money. The Capitol had offered her meat venders from other districts but Sae had remained firm and said that she had a silent partner in mind that got the best selection of meats, right here in Twelve.

That silent partner was me.

Once I'd delivered a fresh set of rabbits to Sae and stayed for a quick bite to eat on the house, I hurried home with my bow slapping against the backs of my knees as I jogged up the path in the Victors Village and turned off to our house. Resting my bow and quiver just inside the door, I suddenly felt every fibre of my body break open and begin to sweat. I fanned myself and tried to pry the jacket from my shoulders as quickly as possible. "Jesus Peeta, it's so hot in here!" I exclaimed as I toed my boots off before coming to stand beside him in the kitchen, "Do you know what time they're coming?" I asked as I ran the palm of my hand up and down his spine. He arched into the touch, his shoulder blades pushing up through his shirt.

"They're coming for about five-ish. Could you set the table up for us in the conservatory? It's meant to be nice tonight and the conservatory has heated floors after all so mother can't complain."

I pecked a kiss on his cheek before going about the task at hand. The long table we had in the conservatory was exactly for this purpose, although for the most part it would be me, Peeta and Johanna crowded around the small kitchen table instead. It had a more personal feel to it. Then again, Peeta's mother was never the personal intimate type so the conservatory would be ideal. And I thought I was devoid of sentiment. I set the table with a fine lace tablecloth, our wedding china and cutlery and the good glasses we'd gotten as a gift from Effie. They were brilliant crystal and trimmed with an edge of gold. They were beautiful to look at, but it was only on these rare occasions that they got used.

Once the table was all set, I went upstairs to change into something a little more 'suitable' for dinner. Peeta's mother had never taken to me being her sons' choice of a wife. She didn't even think of me as a daughter-in-law, I was just 'that girl her son was now married to'. She looked for any reason to criticize me, not that I let it slide without reprimand. I'd spent years defending myself; did she really think her words could cut me down? She clearly didn't know who she was talking to.

I opened my wardrobe and started to sift through the fancier selection of clothes I kept from what Cinna had designed for me and I'd never gotten the chance to wear on tour. There were quite a few and I was glad that I still had these to remember him by. My fingers found a fresh green silk shirt that would hang around my hips. It had a tie underneath the bust so that it would highlight my breasts and also allowed the fabric to flatten and cling around my waist in a flattering manner. It was one of my favourites and I knew that Peeta loved the way it looked on me too. I didn't over-wear it, but it was a firm favourite for both of ours, if the sex afterwards was anything to go by. I smiled to myself and lifted it from its hanger before I went around hunting for my black dress pants that rested comfortably on my hips. I laid the outfit down on my bed and smiled to myself before I dug out some clean underwear. I stepped into the trousers and fastened the tie in front of me before slipping the green silk down over my head. It hushed gently in my ears before resting against my skin. It felt amazing! I tied the ribbons up behind me and then unfastened my hair from its braid and ran a brush through it. It hung around me in loose, dark chocolate waves. All the colours combined highlighted my shiny grey eyes –a trait from both my father and the Seam.

Even if that was the reason why Peeta's mother didn't like me I didn't care. I may have been born a Seam kid but I'd proven time and again that I was more than that. And Peeta had proved that he was more than just a merchant's son. In that regard, we were perfectly matched.

When I came downstairs Peeta stopped short from mounting them at the bottom. He looked transfixed. I felt my cheeks heat up as I stopped in front of him, only to have his strong arms wrap around me and twirl me around over his head before letting me slip down onto the floor, pressing his mouth against mine in a hungry kiss, "You look so sexy, Katniss," he purred in my ear before he forced himself to unwind his arms from around me and drag himself upstairs, "I won't take long to get ready I promise!"

I chuckled to myself and went to sit down on the sofa to wait for our parents to arrive.

The dinner itself was amazing even if the company was a little strained. A lot of the conversation was about mundane everyday things. Not that I minded. It helped keep the topic off anything awkward or subjects that we'd both hoped had long since been buried. Unfortunately, Peeta's mother likes to make everything difficult and awkward for me and she seems too keen to include my mother in it as well.

"So Peeta did you hear that Delly's moving back down from District four?" his mother asked about halfway through the pie and roast potatoes. I felt my muscles tense and the hairs stand up on the back of my neck. I pursed my lips and sent a glare over at his mother but she flashed one of the fakest smiles I've ever seen my way –and I've been to the Capitol for goodness sake.

To his credit, Peeta sighed and continued to focus on lifting his fork to and from his mouth before answering, "No Mum I didn't know that. I don't pay attention to people I don't care about." He reached under the table and squeezed my thigh, earning a weak glare from his mother. He turned his attention to my mother and smiled at her, "By the way Lavender, Johanna really loved that new peppermint cough syrup you came up with. She said she was better within two days. She's due to visit soon so she can thank you in person."

My mother smiled –I always found it weird when Peeta used her given name when I couldn't even look at his mother. "Oh well I'm glad she's better," my mother smiled, "I couldn't resist. As soon as peppermint worked and was certified I just had to tell you two. She's one of my best customers after all."

Peeta's mother cleared her throat, her eyes boring into my head, "So Katniss when are we going to get some grandchildren to spoil?"

It was like the world stopped.

It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop in the room.

"_Meredith_!" Peeta's dad –Archie –hissed under his breath, his eyes dark and hostile from where he sat beside her.

"What?" she asked as though she hadn't asked something offensive. She acted as though she'd just asked what I thought about the weather lately. "It's about time isn't it? We're not likely going to get any from Rye, so I want some from Peeta. What's wrong with that?"

"Meredith you know why you can't ask that!" Archie snapped for which I was grateful but it did little to ease the tension brewing through my temples.

She turned her head to my mother and asked her point blank, "Don't you want grandchildren,_ Lavender_," she stressed my mother's name like it was an inside joke no one else was in on, "Since she's your only hope of having any."

I swallowed past a lump in my throat. My knuckles were turning white from where I was gripping my knife and fork a little too tightly. My jaw crunched in my ears from where I was grinding my teeth together. My tears were stinging and my stomach clenched. My flat, toned, empty stomach. How could she bring up Prim so casually and callously in front of both me and my mother? I was starting to slip, to lose my hold on the high ground; I was slipping lower and lower with each passing moment into that dark place at the back of my mind. It was so easy to fall into it, but it took all my will power and energy to claw myself back out. I felt my shoulders quiver with the restraint to not reach across and punch the stuck up cow right in her face. Finally I found a voice, but I wasn't sure if it was my own. My lips worked of their own accord and my mouth tasted bitter, "Get out of my house," I hissed through my teeth, focusing on the wood of the table. I was sure that if I looked up into her face she would burst into flames before me.

She blinked owlishly at me as though she couldn't quite believe I'd spoken against her. She actually laughed a bitter hollow sound. "What did you just say to me?"

I stood up from my chair, bracing myself over the table, my arms quaking a little with the restraint. I wanted to rip at her hair and sink my teeth through her skin and punch her in the chest –right over her heart –so she could at least experience a fraction of what her words had done to me. "Get out of my house right now! I don't ever want to see your miserable excuse of a face here ever again do you hear me?!"

Without waiting for a response I bunched up my napkin and tossed it onto the table, whipped around on my heel and stalked out of the room, my temper remaining there, hanging over them like a cloud.

I hovered just outside our bedroom door. I paused and listened, straining my ears so that I could hear what else was being said. It wasn't hard to do as their voices were being raised. I felt my heart thump painfully in my chest when I heard Peeta shout. He _never _shouted. "Get out of our house! No mother of mine is going to make my wife feel worthless! So what if she doesn't want kids? She's my wife! I love her and nothing you say or do is going to change that! Now get out of my house! Wanting kids or not is no concern of yours and right now, even if we were to, you wouldn't be allowed to see them!"

It didn't take long for the low rumble of Archie's voice to catch my ears, "Just leave, Meredith. I'll deal with you later." To anyone else it may have sounded like a threat, but Archie was the mild-mannered father where Peeta got all his characteristics from. I was so glad he didn't seem to have any of his mother's features. It was a small relief for me. A hush fell over the house. It wasn't until I drew in a deep watery breath that I realised I was crying. I swiped my hands over my cheeks and yet still more tears ran down my cheeks. I drew in wet breath after wet breath, my heart pounding in my ears and my stomach knotting over and over again.

I threw myself into the bathroom and tugged my shirt over my head, the ties catching on my chin. I almost ripped the trousers getting out of them and wrenched the shower knobs around until a powerful spray was pounding down onto the tiled walls. Once I was naked I stepped under the spray, wincing as the spray pounded against my skin. I almost wanted the water to be hard enough to bruise me. I continued to cry and choke on my sobs, my hot tears mingling with the water running down my throat and breasts. I shuddered and wrapped my arms around me. '_You're ruining his life_,' the voice inside my head murmured in my ears. '_Everyone thinks he needs children, a family, and you're not letting him have it. You're a spiteful person, Katniss! You'd don't deserve that boy!_' I slapped my hands over my ears and let out a raw wail, my lungs aching with the effort of crying so much.

I wanted to feel numb again. I wanted to feel numb so that none of those words could hurt me.

I snapped the shower off feeling a little better in my body, but still mentally unhinged. A timid knock came from the door and I almost jumped out of my skin as I wrapped a towel around my chest. I swallowed, debating on whether I needed to actually speak. "_Katniss?_" Peeta's voice came through the door, "_Katniss everyone's left now. I'm going to go down and clear up. Are you alright?_"

I drew in a deep breath and bit down on my bottom lip, desperately not wanting to make my throat even worse. "Y-yeah," I choked out, "I'm just going to dry off. I think I'm going to get an early night."

There was a moment of silence before he spoke again, "Alright. I won't be too long. Just try and relax alright?" He didn't wait for an answer. I simply heard the shuffling of his footsteps as he walked away, the bedroom door shutting behind him.

Swiping a clean trail in the condensation on the mirror, I scraped my hair out of my eyes before opening the small cupboard over the sink. I ripped the foil wrapped with my teeth and then took the stick over to the toilet. Whilst I waited for the results I brushed the bitter taste out of my mouth as much as possible and then blew my hair dry and braided it into two loose plaits on either side of my head. I towelled myself dry and then quickly nipped out of the en-suite to get a pair of warm, clean pyjamas. I closed the door behind me and changed on the sleek tiled floor before turning back around to the sink. I sighed and felt something ache deep inside me.

Negative. It was _always_ negative.

I threw the test away and skulked back into the bedroom, not bothering with the lights and dropped down on the bed, burying my head in the softness of the pillow. I couldn't cry anymore. I was all cried out. My mind was tired enough to go to sleep so I simply lay there in the dark and stared out of the window. The curtains hadn't been drawn yet and I could see the stars winking at me. I heaved a quiet little sob and felt my eyes tear up again, but nothing ran down my cheeks. I felt hollow.

I must have dozed off because I woke up to the sound of Peeta drawing the curtains shut against the stars and the moon. I blinked wearily, the dull glow of his bedside lamp lighting a small section of the room. I rolled onto my back with a soft moan and blinked up at him as he tugged his shirt over his head. His perfectly sculptured muscles gleamed in the lamplight. I wiped at my eyes in case they were damp and settled on my back. He turned around and seemed surprised that I was awake. "Hey," he breathed with a weak twitch of his lips as he slipped into the bed sheets. He reached over and gently tugged me to lie against his chest. I laid my head in the crook of his neck, my arm draped over his waist and shivered at how loved he made me feel in that one simple action. I gave a weak sob and pressed a small if sloppy kiss to his bare chest. "I know you heard what I said, earlier," he murmured against my hair.

I didn't really know what I could say. I felt like anything I said would seem cheap. "I … Peeta, don't lose out on your family because of me," I murmured gently.

He hugged me tighter around the shoulders. My eyelids fluttered closed when he pressed his warm, smooth mouth against my forehead. "You are my family now, Katniss. You don't deserve what my mother said. You made your decision and we've managed to live quite well don't you think?"

"It wasn't your choice," I whispered so quietly that I don't think he heard me.

"What was that?" he asked gently.

I eased myself away from his warmth and looked down at him, "It wasn't your choice. You didn't want this. Kids come naturally after marriage –or at least it's supposed to."

Peeta gave a light little chuckle, "Kat, neither of us has exactly had a normal life now have we?"

I shook my head, wanting so desperately to argue, to make him see that he could have better, but the words just wouldn't come out. Instead, I hugged my knees up to my chest and rested my chin on the rumpled sheets covering them. I felt the mattress dip a little as he sat up behind me and started to massage my shoulders. After a few moments I could feel the tension easing out of me. A soft moan escaped my lips as the knots in my muscles unwound at his touch.

I turned around and gently pushed him back down onto his back. He looked surprised, a slight quirk in his eyebrow. With quivering fingers I slipped out of my bottoms and knelt there on the bed with my legs slightly spread. I wet my fingers and slipped two inside myself, feeling how sleek and wet I already felt. His massages really did make me feel good. I continued to play with myself, my head rolling back exposing my throat to him, my breasts heaving under my nightshirt. I watched through heavily lidded eyes as he grew hard, his erection resting against his stomach. I bit my lips as I slipped my fingers out of myself and straddled his waist. He slicked himself with saliva and all too soon I felt the arousing intrusion of his hard cock slipping inside me. I moaned out loud and waited a little while to adjust before I started to rock my hips. A heavy moan escaped his lips as he gripped my thighs and watched as I rode him, slowly at first and then faster, harder until I could feel myself floating on a high at how hard he was. He sat up, sending himself deeper inside me. We both moaned, only his moan was muffled as he took my breast in his mouth and started to suck hungrily on it.

"Ohh Peeta!" I moaned against his neck and I sucked gently at his throat and ground my hips into his. He gripped my tighter and rocked with me, his muscles were slick with sweat and my shirt was bunched up around my waist as I leaned back over his knees and rocked my hips, drawing us both to the edge. I could feel my breasts bouncing harder than ever before Peeta drew me back against his chest, gripping me tight until we were almost one sweating heaving beast. His muscles tightened as soon as mine did and soon he was coming inside of me, grunting and groaning against my neck as he did so.

I flopped down onto his chest, panting and breathing in the scent of his sweet musky sweat. I pressed gently kisses over his chest, not wanting to shift away from him even as he softened inside of me.

Eventually, he shifted out from under me and cleaned himself up. I used my knickers to bunch up between my legs as his essence dripped out of me. I tossed them to the side and then clawed my pyjamas back on and relaxed back in the bed. Peeta crawled into bed beside me and wrapped me back against his chest, "I love you with all my heart, Katniss," he murmured as he pressed kisses down along the side of my face, "And nothing and no one are going to change that, do you understand me?"

I nodded my head and wriggled closer to him. "I understand, Peeta," I linked our fingers together and gave his hand a gentle squeeze, "I love you too."

~0~

It wasn't until two weeks later that I found myself with a free day with nothing to do and no real orders of meat to fulfil so I took a lazy day to clean up the house, wash the few dishes in the sink and open all the curtains and a few windows to air the place out. At around eleven o'clock I had done a lot more than I'd expected and I felt a little listless as I drifted from one room to the next before finally deciding to go for a walk and maybe stop by the bakery and see how Peeta was doing. Once I'd gotten my jacket and boots on I locked the front door behind me and headed into town.

The walk into town made me feel freer, healthier and as soon as I came into view of the bakery the smell of the bread drifting in the air hit me. I couldn't wait to grab a couple of cheese buns to take home. I was really eager to see how his older brother was doing as well. There had been a small scandal about him refusing his toasting to some girl his mother had wanted him to marry. It wasn't too newsworthy like it would have been, but it still left him not being welcomed in the house by his mother. His father had to set up a small flat above the bakery, instead of his room at their house, which wasn't too bad but it was still enough to show what his mother thought of him.

It had been bad though. He waited until the morning of the toasting ceremony to decide to take a train to District four and stay there for a month with some money he'd saved taking extra shifts.

The small bell over the door chimed when I pushed the door open and walked into the shop. Rye was behind the counter as per usual and greeted me with a wide grin. I smiled back, glad that I got a long with another member of his family. Rye had lucked out over Peeta when it came to height, but I wasn't too fussed over that. I preferred being more on level with Peeta and being close enough to kiss him on his mouth whenever, instead of having to tiptoe up all of the time. "Hey Kat!" Rye grinned as he wiped the countertop down and leaned on crossed arms to shrink down to my height, "How're things? I heard mum threw a shit-fit over at yours the other week."

I bristled at the mention of his mother but pushed it aside, "you could say that," I hedged, "but Peeta's banned her from coming over now, so next time we invite family over, you can come instead."

"Really?" Rye perked up. It wasn't too much of a secret that Peeta and I had a small combined talent for good food. His dad apparently always came home groaning about how much he'd eaten, but because his mother had been there too, Rye wasn't allowed.

I grinned at him, "Is Peeta in by the way? I was just stopping by to say 'hi'."

Rye grinned and shook his head, "Sadly, no, but dad sent him to take a birthday cake to Merchants Row. He might be a little while because he's only just left."

"Oh," I couldn't help but look a little disgruntled. I shrugged a shoulder, "Well, alright then. Could I grab some cheese buns to go, then?"

"Coming up!"

Ten minutes later I was on my way back home with a warm bag of fresh cheese buns tucked under my arm. I felt a little better at the prospect of getting to curl up and munch my way through them. Just as I was coming up to the outskirts of town I felt my stomach lurch and I suddenly found myself gagging on the air. I found myself feeling really queasy. I glanced down at the bag in my arms and wrinkled my nose. The smell suddenly didn't sit right with me. I raw taste crawled up the back of my throat. With a heavy sigh and a disgruntled clicking of my tongue, I strutted the rest of the way to my house and slammed the door shut behind me.

I tossed the cheese buns onto the counter and ran a hand through my hair; the bad taste in my mouth was still there and was irking me. I hummed to myself before I stopped short and my eyes landed on the small bottle of pills on the counter top.

In no time at all I had ransacked the bathroom for the last of my pregnancy tests and was waiting for the results, biting on my thumbnail as I paced over the tiled floor.

My watch beeped after three minutes.

I picked the test up, closed my eyes and took a deep breath before looking down.

I choked laugh escaped me as I sank down the tiled wall and slumped down on the floor. I could feel my eyes tear up and my lashes start to glue together from where I was starting to cry. I ran a hand down my face and cupped my mouth as the white stick trembled in my hand.

It was positive.

I was pregnant with Peeta's child.

* * *

**A/N: I really wanted to post this yesterday but I didn't get a chance, so I hope you enjoy it now! R&R!**


	4. CHAPTER 3 Peeta

Pairing: Peeta x Katniss.

Rating: M

Warning: Mature content. Deals with issues of pregnancy, and other issues that readers may find sensitive.

Update: Tuesday

Disclaimer: After fifteen years of marriage Katniss is counting the minutes for a pregnancy test to show results. She'd always been so careful. She had no idea what the rebellious actions she takes would cause to her marriage. Fighting to survive the hurdles of love and life and a needy little puppy thrown into the mix, Katniss is living in her own brand of hell. Can she manage to fix the damage and fall in love with Peeta again before they both seriously contemplate divorce?

* * *

**Chapter Three**

_Peeta_

Leaning back away from the oven I swiped the back of my hand over my forehead and let out a huff of air. It really was far too hot working in the back with the large ovens all day but then I couldn't force Rye to do it all the time. Besides, he would easily stir up a fuss and after what he'd been through recently; I couldn't do it to him. We had our rota and it worked for us. Wiping down the sweat from my cheeks and forehead I turned my attention to the three birthday cakes I had yet to finish icing to put up in the display case. One was for a local boys' eleventh birthday party, and the other two were for a set of five-year-old twin girls.

I smiled weakly as I looked at the pale background of the white icing, my canvas to create whatever I wanted on top of it.

As I picked up the spatula to even some of the icing out on the boys' cake, I couldn't help but feel a little wistful every time I did when I got a children's cake order. Once upon a time I had imagined that I would be doing this for my own child's birthday, late at night to have it on the kitchen table early that next morning. Maybe even for breakfast, since it was their birthday. It had been a dream that I didn't mind having because I was almost sure that no matter what, I would be someone's dad. I hadn't known how opposite Katniss and I were until around the time of the Quarter Quell and it became very apparent of how much she resented her own mother and how much she couldn't bear to turn into something like that.

I suppose for my sake I should be flattered, in an odd sort of way. Katniss must love me a great deal to think that she would turn into the pitiful numb mess that her mother had become from losing her husband. She must be so relieved that I only work in my Dad's bakery and not down in the mines. Not that many even work _there_ anymore. I sighed and arched my back to ease a crick that had settled in my spine, before flexing my shoulder muscles. I couldn't help but stare at the cakes, ready and waiting for me to make them beautiful, and get my fingers felt stiff as I mixed colouring into the icing.

I felt horrible for thinking such things, even in the privacy or out back room. Katniss had made it perfectly clear that she didn't want kids and I suppose for my part it is rather silly to want something that I've never even had before. How could I miss out on something I've never had? It's absurd. But then, I'd never had Katniss before and I knew from the moment I saw her huddled up in the rain and starving for food, I knew that one day, no matter what it took or who stood in my way, I would one day hold her and love her and care for her the way she deserved to be treated.

I pinched the bridge of my noise and forced myself to start icing a sea-scape onto the boys' cake. Apparently he loved fish.

As I iced little coloured fish and seaweed my mind drifted back to dangerous territory of what our own kids might have been like; would they have my blonde hair and Katniss' beautiful grey eyes? Would they be olive-skinned like most Seam kids or would they be fair like me? Would they like to sit on the counter while I baked cookies for the bakery or would they prefer to run and jump about in the meadow while Katniss teaches them about all the flowers and berries in the forest? I felt my heart clench as the thoughts were unleashed around my head. I know I was only causing myself problems but I couldn't help it. Once upon a time I really did think I would be a father.

Icing children's birthday cakes was the one weakness of mine.

I flexed my shoulders and looked down at my handy work. I smiled to myself and then lifted the cake to put on a counter out of the way before turning my attention to mixing some pink icing for the girls' cake. I always hated that girls' liked pink. It was like they all wanted to be Effie-in-Training with her brightly coloured hair and outfits. I rolled my eyes as I slathered the white bases with bold pink swirls and then turned my attention to the little edible chocolate butterflies. I iced them in shades of oranges and purples and reds and then gently stuck them all over both cakes, the largest few at the top. Once those two were done and dried a little, I carried each one over into the display case out front and then went into the backroom to wipe down all the surfaces and wash the equipment.

I sighed and slumped down into a chair when it was my lunch break before I went on my delivery rounds to collect the payment for the birthday cakes and drop them off at their respective parties. I must have just missed Katniss because when I got back Rye had closed up for an hour lunch and told me that she'd just popped in to see me. I couldn't help but smile at that. Her surprise visits were never scheduled and always caught me off guard but I loved that she made the effort to see me outside of our home.

Rye, along with many others, couldn't fathom how we didn't have children yet. It was hard to explain that there actually were some girls out there who didn't have maternal instincts. Not that Katniss didn't. Personally, I think she'd make a wonderful mother. It's still a lot harder to say that she has too much maternal instinct and would sooner overdose on morphling than bring a child into the world who would suffer like we had.

"But that was over fifteen years ago," Rye argued with a frown as he bit into an apple. "Half the dangers she faced don't even come into the equation anymore."

I nodded and huffed, "Trust me I know that Rye. She had a really rough childhood and the games certainly didn't do her psyche any favours. But I'm never going to force her to put herself through something she doesn't feel strong enough to do."

Rye would cock his head and stare at me intently, like he always did when this conversation came up. It always seemed to happen on the same days as I had to ice children's birthday cakes. "Peet, you've wanted kids for as long as I've known you, and seeing as I'm your brother that's saying a lot." I quirked a small smile at that. "I just think that if you want kids you should be allowed to have them."

"Are you calling Katniss selfish?" I asked, knowing the answer but feeling a little peeved regardless.

Rye nodded as I knew he would, "Yes I do think she's being a little selfish. I know that some women aren't made to be a mother. Ours is a clear example of that. But you and I turned out alright. If we can turn out good then surely Katniss shouldn't worry about screwing her children up."

"That's _hardly _a great example," I grunted out sarcastically, "I'd like our children to _love_ their mother, not resent her existence day in and day out."

Rye snickered and bit off the last of his apple and then tossed the core into the bin. "I'm sure they would. I just hate to see you getting all teary-eyed over birthday cakes. Besides, you _have_ to do them. I can't ice worth a damn!"

I dropped my head over the table and then raked my hands through my hair. "Look, did I think I'd have kids some day? Of course, providing I lived that long. But I'm not going to, Rye. If I have to make my peace with that then you're going to have to make your peace with never being an Uncle." I looked up at him and I knew my eyes had a wet sheen to them. I was shocked when he came around and hugged me tightly, his hard muscles almost crushing my own.

"I just want you to be happy, kid. My life is miserable as sin as it is but you have Katniss. I just … it breaks my heart not seeing you get everything you want and deserve."

I forced myself a little laugh and looked up at him with a cocked eyebrow, "Says you, Rye. Find a girl goddamnit. You're almost too old to do anything! At this rate it doesn't matter who she is just go out and find her! It'd make Dad happy to see you a little settled."

He nodded his head with a grin and then ruffled my hair like he'd done when we were teenagers, "One mentally retarded son at a time, kid."

With that, he went back out to the front to flip the sign and open for the afternoon.

~0~

By the time Rye and I had cleared away and locked up for the night the sky was dark outside and there was a sharp chill cutting through the air. Winter was definitely on its way there was no doubt about it. I hunched my shoulders around my ears, and buried my shivering hands deep into my coat pockets. I watched as my breath rose out of my collar in plumes as I bowed my head to the wind. I swallowed thickly as I passed by the outside of the children's playground at the back of the school. I faltered in my walk and actually drifted to a stop under the shelter of a large maple tree on the other side of the wire fence and gnawed on my lower lip. I always seemed to unconsciously wander this way on my way home after a day filled with icing children's birthday cakes and talking to Rye about the family I wouldn't get to have.

I don't feel resentful. Many people probably think that I do but I honestly don't. As I'd said to Rye earlier, I didn't hold it against her. Her reasoning was sound if a little dated but even so it was her decision. As much as I would love to discuss it with her a little more I knew it would only upset her. I sometimes let myself believe that she gets really upset and angry by all of this because on some level she _would_ like to be a mother, she's just afraid that she's going to do everything wrong. One of the few times we did discuss she said to me that I would make a brilliant father. Now, how she can see that and not see that she could be an exceptional mother is beyond me.

I love her. I will never _not_ love her. Some days we drive one another crazy but that's just the way life goes.

I sighed as cold air seeped below the collar of my coat and I reached out and hooked my fingers through the chain-link fence. I had wanted it; to be a father and have children. I always thought that I would. It did come as a shock to me when I was told I wouldn't have that life, the one I'd always planned for. I could have half of it, but not the other half. I leaned a little more against the fence, hearing it whine and clink against the weight. I had wanted to do this toward the end of the school day along with the other parents, and then bent to scoop up my little boy or girl and hug them close and then listen as they chattered on about what they'd learned in school that day or what they'd painted in art and crafts class. I'd wanted to be able to hang their little drawings up around the house or stick them to the fridge. I wanted them to scribble in little Christmas cards to Rye an take them for picnics in the meadow.

I ground my teeth together and slammed my clenched fists into the fence, listening as it rattled in the silent twilight.

I tried not to pay attention the warm tears running down my warm cheeks as I turned myself away from the children's playground and went along to the main road that would lead me back to the Victor's Village. I scrubbed at my face and got it as dry as possible and shuddered as a few teeny snowflakes started to spiral down. Snowing in late October; how peculiar. Raising my collar up higher I walked briskly towards the warmth I was promised inside our home.

I walked up the front garden path and then drew to stop feeling a heavy weight settle in my stomach and a dull darkness cloud inside my head. I should be coming home to the smell of dinner cooking and two tired but hyper little kiddies –or even just the one –hurrying to the front door and bulldozing me down onto the floor with hugs and kisses and jabbering about the silly little things they'd done all day, and for me to look over both of their heads and see Katniss standing in the doorway of the living room, her arms folded across her chest with an endearing smile on her sweet, pink lips.

My heart stuttered in my chest as I watched my imaginings evaporate around me and I was left standing in the falling snow, empty-handed and childless. The only thing I had to look forward to was her sweet smile at the end of a really difficult day.

On dark days like this, I didn't even feel like her smile was enough but it needed to be. It _had_ to be.

With a heavy sigh I shuffled up the stone pathway and slotted my key into the lock and pushed the door open and inhaled the warmth that wrapped around me and causing a flush to creep up my neck. I unfastened my coat and scarf and hung them up on their peg and was just about to go into the kitchen and greet Katniss with my usual chipper smile and greeting when I found myself stopping dead in the archway. I looked at the lack of warmth and hum in the kitchen, the Network was off and the place was eerily dark. I frowned and walked in a little further, seeing Katniss slumped over on the table, her head nestled in her arms. She appeared to be asleep. I felt my shoulders slump. My poor darling, I mused to myself, here I am worrying about myself when she actually has something on her mind, not my frivolous whining.

"Katniss?" I breathed as I went over to her still form and gently touched her shoulder. I felt my heart jump into my throat when she snapped up and blinked blearily around at the room before her eyes came to focus on me through the gloom.

"Oh, Peeta," she mumbled as she drew her arms up and rubbed her eyes out, blinking awkwardly and then running her hands through her long, wavy hair. She stifled a yawn against the back of her hand, "M'Sorry," she mumbled, "I was going to put a pie in the oven I must have dropped off."

I went over and switched the light on and then dimmed it down to a soft golden glow when Katniss winced and made a noise in the back of her throat. I went over to the oven and reached out to massage the back of her neck as I passed her by. She moaned and leaned back into the touch, and then turned her head to watch me as I shuffled about and put the last of our meat pies into the oven and set the timer. I turned around and put the kettle on the hob and set two mugs up for some tea. When they were all set up and turned around and leaned back on the counter and my frown deepened. Katniss wasn't looking at me anymore but instead she seemed to be finding something a lot more interesting on the table top, biting down on her thumbnail as she did so; a classic sign that something was weighing heavily on her mind and she wasn't sure how to talk about it.

"Katniss?" I asked gently, earning me a quick sideways glance before she went back to gnawing on her thumbnail, her jaws working away until her nail was all but ruined and jagged on the end. I wondered over to the table and took her hand gently away from her mouth and held it in mine, our eyes locked together and settled myself into a chair beside her. "What's wrong, love?" I asked gently, rubbing my thumb over her knuckles to soothe her. She was shaking, I could feel it. "Has something happened today that's bothered you? I know you went to the bakery and I was out, it's not about that is it?" I asked, knowing full well that it wasn't the reason and she wouldn't get so worked up over something so tedious.

She shook her head and I looked at her properly; her eyes were red from where she's been crying for who knew however long. Her skin was a little clammy and her hair looked like it hadn't been brushed properly. "N-no," she choked out, her voice a little raspy, "No, it's not that."

I didn't want to push her but she really didn't seem like she wanted to give up any more information. "Have I done something to upset you?" I didn't want to ask it. It was always a secret fear that I could do something unintentionally to hurt Katniss. I'd never want to hurt her. She shook her head with a defiant look in her eyes, telling me just how stupid that question was. I allowed my mouth to twitch a little. It was true. I'd know if I'd pissed her off or upset her. I glanced up at the plates in our cupboards; there'd be so many casualties. I turned my attention back to her, "So what's happened then to get you so worked up?"

She sniffed and wiped at her eyes even though no tears were falling. She swallowed and looked down at her fingers in front of her. "I … I need to tell you something but before I tell you I need you to keep an open mind and to please –_please_ –not yell at me, alright?"

Hundreds of possibilities rushed through my mind at those words. What did she mean, don't get mad at her? Had she threatened someone? Did she hit out at someone? Did she scream at someone in the bakery? No, she couldn't have otherwise Rye would have told me. I swallowed thickly before giving her cool hands a tight squeeze, "I promise I won't get angry," I hedged, not really understanding how I could.

My words didn't seem to relax her for which I felt a little twinge of annoyance, but I quashed it down when she took the time to search for the right words for what she wanted to say. She played with her fingers for a few moments, her breathing a little ragged as she searched her mind. I felt a little restless and was glad when the kettle boiled so that I could use my hands to pour us a cup of tea each. I set one down in front of both of us and then settled back in my chair. The tea seemed to calm her down a little more as she sipped at it and sighed. I watched as it visibly calmed her nerves. I felt a small bubble of relief inside me. She sighed and then reached out to touch my hands that were cupped around my own cup. I gave her a small encouraging smile. She returned it and I felt mildly better. "Peeta I …" she seemed to struggled on her words before drawing in a deep breath, "I need to show you something," she finally choked out as she took a long gulp of her tea and then excused herself from the round table. I frowned and watched her disappear into the next room and then come back with something wrapped up in her hands. She looked at me as though she was afraid I was going to lash out at her. I dropped my eyes down to her hands and bit down on my tongue.

"Katniss please just tell me what's wrong," I urged, feeling panic seep into my heart with every passing second, "I can't help you if you don't tell me."

"Here," she dropped something onto the table top in front of me. It clattered loudly in the silence that stretched between us. I glanced up at her worried, frightened features, before dropping my gaze to the object in front of me.

I picked it up as though it could be poisonous and then held it a little closer to make sure that my eyes weren't playing tricks on me. I glanced up at Katniss who was wringing her hands in front of her stomach and shifting from foot to foot as though she couldn't keep still no matter how she tried. I, for my part, was nothing but still as I stared down at the pregnancy test in my hands. I didn't even know she even _had_ pregnancy tests. She hadn't gone to the pharmacy since we went there a few weeks ago. When had she gotten them? Unless she'd had them this entire time just in case of emergencies. Yes, I affirmed, that sounded more like Katniss to be overly cautious.

I swallowed and tried to form words. I held the test up, "So I suppose we weren't as careful as we normally are," I stated in a clear voice as I cast a sideways glance up at my wife. My eyes dropped down to her flat stomach and something inside me felt hollow. My child was in there, my little baby boy or girl, and judging from how scared she looked I knew only too well that I would be escorting her to the clinic for a little 'procedure'. Bile rose up the back of my throat at the thought of her going through with it. I dropped the test on the table, the noise making her jump a step back.

I wanted to be selfish as I clenched my fingers into fists in front of me. I wanted to tell her she couldn't do this to me, to us, now that we had this chance to do things properly, and be a proper family. How could I do that without her walking out on me, possibly for good? In the end I just didn't say anything. Nothing I could say would make the situation any better.

In the end I watched as shifted a couple of steps closer to her chair and shifted awkwardly her head bowed down to her chest, "I didn't think you would be so upset about it," she managed in a dry low voice.

I snapped my head up, my anger boiling behind my eyes, "How could you say that?" I hissed, spittle flying off my lips. She looked like I had struck her, the way her eyes widened and shone with tears. "How could you think that, after all this time, I could possibly want that?"

Tears shimmered brightly in her grey eyes, "Because I would have _thought_ that after all this time this is what you wanted!"

That made me stop and my anger simmered down a little. I licked my lips and chewed on the inside of my cheek for a little while before looking back up at her, "You've lost me now, Katniss. What's going on?"

She hesitated for a little moment before she slumped down into her seat and smoothed her hair away from her face before looking up at me with wary eyes, "You said you wouldn't get angry at me," she muttered before clearing her throat with the last of her tea, "I don't want to get an abortion Peeta. I … I want to keep the baby."

Her words were followed by a heavy silence. They wouldn't sink into my brain no matter how much they echoed in my ears. She wanted to keep the baby? She wanted to try and be a mother, a parent? She wanted us to be a proper little family? I shiver ran through me and I noticed she was still staring at me. I licked my lips, "I –I thought you were on the pills? We only just got a refill, were they faulty or something?" I watched as she hesitated and then shook her head slowly, her eyes dropping down to the table. I swallowed past the lump in my throat, "What do you mean 'no'? Katniss what did you do?"

"I rinsed them down the drain okay!" she snapped, a stray tear running down her cheek. I desperately wanted to wiped it away but there was so much anger welling up inside me that if I reached out I didn't know if I would comfort her or choke her. So many nightmares had ended with me waking up to Katniss' wide eyes and my hand at her throat, not tight enough to hurt her or do any damage, but it was _there_ … that was the problem.

"Katniss you can't do things like that!" I snapped, glad that I hadn't tried to touch her, "You can't make those sorts of decisions without me!"

"I didn't make the decision!" she sneered at me, clenching her fingers into fists, "I just did it!"

"But why?" I stormed, exasperated with this conversation. It was going nowhere and I was feeling flushed with how angry I was at her sheer stupidity. This from the girl who found a way to blow up a mountain of food and supplies, rescued most of us and led a rebellion. I shook my head faintly in disgust.

"Because I wanted you to be a father," she muttered, finally completely maxed out on her anger and crying. She sat there looking as though she was turning numb. I didn't want her to go to the bad place again. I reached out and clutched her hands tightly in my own, my arms shaking with my attempt to get rid of the anger inside me.

I looked over at her and brushed a strand of hair behind her ear, "Come on, Kat, tell me what this is all about," I coaxed softly, "Tell me why you decided or just did this without even telling me first."

She shook her head and then gave out a distressed laugh. It sounded a little manic coming from her. She sniffled and wiped at her eyes and looked like a mess. I wanted to go upstairs with her in my arms and draw her a bath and wash her hair and make her feel a lot better. She looked so upset with herself and it made my heart ache to see her in such a state. "I just … it was actually when we were waiting in the hospital the other week. When we were in the waiting room and that little boy came up to you with his little stuffed toy …" she trailed off and reached for a tissue to blow her nose with. I didn't say anything. She needed to get this off her chest on her own. "And I couldn't help but realise just selfish I was being, not letting you have a family of your own. You deserve to be a dad, Peeta, you really do," she looked up at me with watery grey eyes, "You looked so sweet when that little boy came up and giggled at you. I did think that maybe you might leave me and find another girl, like that little boys' mother, and have sweet little kids like him. That broke my heart," she gasped out as she clutched at my hand.

"Why did that break your heart?" I breathed softly, feeling an ache in my chest as her words. I had been in the room whilst her heart shattered in her chest and I hadn't even realized. After all these years of her not wanting children I'd just never thought to assume that she might want children after a couple of years. I would have thought she would be all but immune to it by now.

She sucked on her lips for a few moments before looking up at me, "Because I knew that it I was to lose you and watch you go off and have a family with someone else then I wouldn't know how to go on with my life. And then I started to think that I was being selfish and that if you were to have a child then …"

"Then what, Katniss?"

"Then it should be my child too," she finally looked back to me, her eyes bright and shining.

My heart hammed in my chest as I drank her words in and then glanced down at the test sitting between us. "That was a very selfish thing for you to do," I finally murmured, more to myself than to her.

She nodded her head, looking weary as she murmured, "I know, Peeta," she twiddled her thumbs together, "I didn't mean for it to be so explosive but I did it on impulse and I … Well I thought about it afterwards and I'm scared," she squeezed my hand between her own, "I am so scared about doing this Peeta, but I'm not going to give up on this, on us." She leaned down and pressed a kiss to my hands and then slid my hand down to the flat, firm planes of her stomach. It didn't feel any different and yet everything had changed. I couldn't stop the smile that trembled on my lips. Her weak smile wavered as she shivered, "We're going to have a little baby, Peeta," she simpered as she stroked her quivering fingers over my hand.

Finally I felt my mouth break out into a smile and tears full of too many emotions began to brim on my lashes. "We're … We're going to have a baby?" I still couldn't quite believe it. I felt as though I was in a dream. I didn't want to wake up from it and I was afraid to let the little seeds of hope enter my heart and bloom all over again from where I'd buried them at the back of my mind.

She nodded her head, finally letting herself smile a little wider. She looked so beautiful. "Yes, Peeta, you're going to be a daddy."

I stood up and captured her face in my hands, dried her cheeks and then pressed my mouth against hers and kissed her with as much passion as I could muster at that moment. She kissed me back through timid touches and shaky little laughs. I leaned away and pressed our foreheads together and then rubbed our noses together, "You've made me the happiest man in all of Panem!" I gushed as I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and held her close against my chest. I felt her shiver and then wind her arms around me in return, our bodies perfectly aligned and our heartbeats syncing up.

"I do love you, Peeta," she breathed as she nuzzled my neck, "I didn't mean to make it this massive secret, Peeta, I just didn't know how you would react. I only just found out this afternoon when I came back from the bakery."

I looked down at her and frowned, "You mean you've been crying all that time and didn't call me up to ask me to come home?" I asked feeling a little lost. I could have helped her; I could have eased her mind.

She shook her head, "I didn't want to call you away from work for … for this."

I held her firmly in my arms, "Katniss this is important. Promise me that if there is anything on your mind you will call me, alright? No matter what it is, alright? Besides, now that you're going to be eating for two you'll have random cravings," she giggled lightly and it made me happier than anything to hear that sound, "I just want you to know that no matter what I'm going to be there for you."

She nodded her head and cuddled a little closer, the warmth of my body seeping into her own. I inhaled the scent of her sweet hair and pressed gentle kisses to her head before I gently unwound my arms from around her. She looked a little upset that I wasn't holding her anymore but she blinked in surprise when I dropped down to my knees and lifted the bottom of her shirt up and pressed my lips against her stomach, "Hey there baby, I can't wait to meet you my little darling," I nuzzled her stomach and held onto her warm hips, "I can't wait for you to meet your beautiful mummy," I kissed her again felt her body rippled with a strange little laugh that came from her mouth, "Now don't worry in there, I'm just going to give your mummy a bath because she's been such a brave girl tonight, you don't mind do you?" I pressed my ear to her stomach, feeling childish even as I did so, and heard nothing but her stomach rumbling a little. She pressed a hand over her mouth to stifle the laughter bubbling up from her mouth.

She stroked her fingers through my hair and looked down at me with endearing eyes, "I know I'm scared about this Peeta, but … I really think that we can do this."

I stood up and held her in my arms, lovingly pressing a kiss to the end of her nose, "Hey, I'm scared too. I've never been a father before either, you know?" I teased weakly, "Come on now, I believe I promised a little someone I was going to treat their mummy to a nice warm bath." I gave her a little wink and was delighted to see her flush a little.

"Alright then," she slipped her hand into mine and allowed me to escort her up to our en-suite bathroom.

That night I doted on my beautiful wife and even though she usually loathed to feel like she was being waited on, I refused to take no for an answer and so while she lay in her bath I washed her hair, brushed and braided it –not as good as she did but she didn't complain –and then laid her pyjamas out for her before we settled downstairs to watch a silly romance on the Network. We didn't like to watch them but they were funny to see what Capitol people wanted for their lives.

It was such a peaceful night and when we went up to bed and I lay there and watched her as she slept, I felt the hope blossom in my chest, only a little, but it was enough for me to catch my breath. I was going to be a daddy.

I was finally going to have my dream family.

* * *

**A/N: There you go, you finally get to see a little something from Peeta's perspective. Let me know what you think.**


	5. CHAPTER 4 Katniss

Pairing: Peeta x Katniss.

Rating: M

Warning: Mature content. Deals with issues of pregnancy, and other issues that readers may find sensitive.

Update: Tuesday (late update)

Disclaimer: After fifteen years of marriage Katniss is counting the minutes for a pregnancy test to show results. She'd always been so careful. She had no idea what the rebellious actions she takes would cause to her marriage. Fighting to survive the hurdles of love and life and a needy little puppy thrown into the mix, Katniss is living in her own brand of hell. Can she manage to fix the damage and fall in love with Peeta again before they both seriously contemplate divorce?

* * *

**Chapter Four**

_Katniss_

December settled around Panem with a cheeky frost that twinkled in the early hours of the morning on the tips of the naked tree branches, and the sharp blades of crisp green grass. The air was cool and tinted everyone's skin pink. Woolly gloves and scarfs were dug out of attic spaces and thick thermal pyjamas were brought out from the wardrobes to be worn indoors and out. Despite the lack of colour outside it was still beautiful to look at all the different colours of grey and white and even the blue tint that seemed to cling to everything. It made me smile though when I would be sitting in the window seat of our bedroom, a mug of hot chocolate in my hands and a soft air hanging around me. I couldn't place my finger on the shift of atmosphere in our house but I didn't doubt that it was down to the little pinprick child in my womb. I kept imagining how I would look when I was rounder, and peeking out of my shirts. Peeta had consoled me that I would be wearing jumpers and a lot of knitwear for the majority of the pregnancy but that didn't quell any nerves for when I would get uncomfortable in my own skin with the heat of summer.

Shaking my head I set my empty mug down and then sauntered over to the wardrobe to pick something out to wear. I was simply itching to be out in the forest and watch icicles form through the branches and check the snares I had set up over the weekend. Rye had come over with his father, Archie and my mother and we sat around as though 'That Day' hadn't happened in that same conservatory with the same wedding china and the same people save for one. With a frown a tugged a light grey, knitted jumper off the hanger and pulled it on over my head, not wanting to bother with a bra. I scooped my hair out from the rolled neck and hastily braided it down one side before tugging on a pair of thick trousers and slipping thermal socks on over my feet. I grimaced a little as they made it a little difficult to move my toes around inside my boots.

Once I was washed and dressed, I cast one last look at my reflection in the long mirror on the wardrobe door and hummed at myself before hesitating and turning to one side, pressing my hand underneath my stomach like I'd seen many pregnant women do when their bumps had actually formed.

I hadn't expected it to feel so natural to hold myself like that.

Huffing at myself in annoyance, I fluffed my jumper out again, letting it drape around my figure naturally before walking out of our bedroom and striding down the landing. Just before I turned and went down the stairs I stopped and looked at the door that stood ajar next to our room. Pressing my lips together I moved away from the banister and eased myself along the floorboards to the door and pushed it inwards. Natural light assaulted my eyes momentarily before I was able to clear my vision and admire the room.

Peeta had outdone himself.

In just a few short days he had managed to transform what was once a dreary little junk room –or an 'office' as Effie had called it –into a sweet little nursery. My mother had already warned him that maybe it was a little _too_ soon to be doing such things, but Peeta had assured her that he was going to soak up every single day of my pregnancy. When I'd heard those words I'd felt equal measures of happiness and fear grip me. I'd had to leave and go out for a walk along the outskirts of the woods despite it being cold out and I'd left without a proper jacket to protect me. I'd quickly turned back after stalking off about thirty paces when the cold had gotten too much and my teeth had chattered so hard together that I was pretty sure my skull was cracking with the force of it. Peeta had looked concerned whilst my mother had sat there looking less than impressed with my antics and launched into a lecture about how such things like dramatic changes of temperature and emotional imbalances could affect the early stages of pregnancy. I'd gone off and sat on the sofa, nursing a cup of tea and brooding over how I was already a danger to this child and how it didn't even have a proper shape yet, other than a speck. I didn't move off of that sofa for almost two days straight, by which point Peeta dragged me to the hospital and I had a huge back-order of animals to hunt for Sae.

The room itself was beautiful; painted a soft honey-golden colour with a white panelled border on the lower half of the wall to save on sticky fingerprints for a few years down the line. The carpet and been deep cleaned and was now soft and plush under my socks. The room was bare for now, all the old furniture had been chucked out of the window and we'd had a bonfire in the back garden, roasting chestnuts in small silver dishes on the glowing embers. It had been a lovely night, even Haymitch had managed to enjoy himself without having to go and refill his flask. I crossed my arms over my chest and wondered over the carpet and to the large window that looked out onto our back garden. I knelt down on the window seat, enjoying the cosy warm red cushion under my knees, as I looked out over the spiked treetops silhouetted against the pearly grey sky. As dreary as some people found winter, I still found it oddly beautiful in a quiet, shy sort of way.

I eased myself onto the red cushion and drew my knees up to my chin, silently relishing the moments that I was still able to do such a simple thing as curl up on myself. I tilted my head sideways onto my knees and looked out over the fresh snow in our garden, as yet undisturbed by my little outbursts. Peeta had pleaded with me to pace about in the garden if I really did need to get outside, instead of stalking out towards the forest. He was practical, but I loved the woods. My breath fogged a small circle on the glass in front of me and I traced my finger in a circle before poking two dots for eyes and a wide semi-circle mouth. My lip twitched at the childish doodle before my eyes wandered back to the garden through the glass.

I leaned back and pressed myself up against the wall of the window seat and tipped my head over to rest on my shoulder as I stared out into the cool, grey day. I folded my arms over my lap, my thumb dipping under the hem of my jumper and stroking my smooth stomach once again. I loathed admitting to anyone, let alone myself, that I still have heavy doubts about being a mother and raising a child. Once the general excitement had simmered down once again –although I don't think it ever truly would –doubts kept creeping into my mind throughout the day. Little things at first, like 'would I really feed my child raisin bread for breakfast?', and listing numerous things around our house that weren't 'baby-friendly'.

Mother enjoyed pointing _those_ ones out.

I knew I wasn't going to be a good mother –not that _she_ was one herself –but Peeta made me feel like I could be.

My eyes lazily drifted over to the long wall in front of me, the wall without the alcove in it for the changing table we planned to buy in the coming months. The wall was still honey coloured but Peeta had blended the colours in with softer yellows and hues of beautiful orange towards the ceiling. Opaque white clouds were dappled here and there and the white panelled border had been stripped away along that particular wall to give way to the large oak tree that he had painted recently. Along the bottom of the wall green spikes representing shoots of grass drifted up from the carpet-line and in the brilliant shade of green I could only ever capture outside by the meadow. The tree itself had little blossoms sprouting along the branches as well as bright green leaves 'reflecting' the sunlight. It took my breath away every time I looked at it. It was so soothing. I had watched him paint for hours whilst noting down a new type of edible berry I had found in the woods in my father's herb book. I'd watched him paint, despite the fumes working a mild headache into focus, and I couldn't help but smile at how effortless he made it seem. He'd even thrown cheeky smile my way, offered me the brush and beckoned me over with it. I'd refused; I didn't want to ruin such a beautiful image with my talentless hands. If our child wanted game pie then that's how I'd show my talents.

A smile tickled at my lips as those words; _our child_. It was still so surreal to me and I had to keep going back to take another pregnancy test just to make sure it wasn't a dream.

I still had yet to tell Johanna and I hoped she wouldn't be upset or even too surprised. No doubt she would punch me in the arm and grin with her usual, "About time, Brainless!" and get on with other things. That was just her way, and I loved that about her. She didn't treat me like royalty or a dainty flower like no doubt many people wanted me to be seen as now, fifteen years after the Revolution. I hadn't been that way beforehand so I don't see why I should be now, even if I am living in 'luxury' and married to the love of my life. I have changed where it matters, for the most part, and as far as I'm concerned that's enough.

Perhaps I will change more the rounder I get, and actually feel our baby kick inside me, but until then I was fine –we were fine.

Rubbing a hand over my stomach I uncurled myself from the window seat and decided to head out into the forest before it got too late in the day and some foxes may have snatches a few animals caught in my snares. It wasn't worth the risk, besides, Peeta's rabbit pies were amazing. Once downstairs I stuffed my feet into my boots, slipped my father's old leather jacket on, the worn smell hitting nostalgic notes inside me that were comforting and relaxing to my mind, before I wound a thick scarf around my neck, grabbed my hat, gloves and bow from behind the door and set off out into the cold.

The snow crunched under my feet and I smiled to myself as I drifted along the roads that led me along to the forest. I was glad there was no electric fence to duck under now. We now had a proper fence high enough to discourage climbing, with barbed wire at the top –just in case we were told –but it now had a gate with a code to punch in to get through. As much as I didn't love the new system, I suppose it discouraged children from running away from home. If they couldn't get through then they couldn't get lost. They still had the meadows and a few copse of trees to play around so it seemed fair.

Hitching my bow and quiver higher on my back, I punched in the numbers, waiting for the green light, and then pushed my way out of Twelve. Despite the forest still technically being part of Twelve, that fence was where it ended for me. Beyond that fence there was freedom, and I loved to stroll through it as though it were mine. Stretching my arms out around me I inhaled the fresh, cold air deeply, loving the gentle sting in my lungs and nose as it rushed through me. Exhaling loudly I huddled up inside my jacket and marched briskly into the shelter of the trees, shaking snowflakes out of my hair as I went.

I don't remember when exactly I had started 'speaking to myself' but it couldn't have been that long ago. I only think I started doing it after I found out I was pregnant. Perhaps it was the knowledge that there was literally another presence with me that I felt the urge to talk to it, to reassure it and make myself known to it. It simply –happened. "So where should we head to today? We could check the snares down by the pond along the southern banks or we could climb up and see if there are any birds to hunt?" I paused for a moment, my eyes and ears straining as I scanned the woods for any form of movement, sound or otherwise. All was silent. "Southern banks for sure," I murmured as I adjusted my quiver and began to wade along the crunchy ground. The snares were a safer bet anyway, and were easier to hide in all sorts of weather.

I tried not to let my mind get the better of me with every slippery patch of ice I came across. I didn't want to be paranoid and started regarding the beautiful forest, which had provided so much for me, as a dangerous force that I needed to keep away from. It was difficult though; every time my foot slipped even a centimetre, my breath would hitch and my heart would explode painfully in my chest.

I could hear my heartbeat drumming in my ears by the time I got to the southern banks and the frosty pond gleamed up at me. I breathed a sigh of relief that I didn't have to walk about as much. As much as I loved being out in the forest it wasn't long before the cold began to bite through my gloves making it extremely difficult to work the few rabbits free from the snares. As soon as I'd managed to pack their rabbits into my satchel, I turned with a clenched jaw and stealthily marched my way back to the meadow and the fence that surrounded Twelve.

By the time I was home, after detouring through town and dropping off a couple of rabbits for Sae, I was in a foul mood and didn't want to be near anyone. It was a good thing Peeta was at work, so I took out my sudden frustrations on the two rabbits I'd brought home, skinning it and salting the meat before hanging it up in the larder. I sneered at it as I kicked the door closed behind me. Stupid rabbits. I made quick work of changing into my warm pyjamas and then sat down on the sofa with some chamomile tea and tried to calm my nerves, trying not to think too hard about the sudden mood swing. I didn't want to think about how I was changing, not right now. There would be plenty of time for that later, I was almost sure of it. I had nine months after all. More than enough time. I grimaced as I looked up towards the staircase.

Maybe it _had_ been too soon painting the nursery?

'_No_!' I snapped at myself, shaking my head as I glared down at the tea leaves at the bottom of my cup, '_You're not going to start thinking like everyone else and crushing his creativity! He didn't have to paint the mural for you but he did because he knew it would help. He's going to be running around after you further down the line so it's best he does these things now_!'

Pinching the bridge of my nose I sighed and reached for the remote to flick the Network on and drown out the voices sparring in my head. Peeta was being more than considerate to me and didn't even talk about the baby too much despite how much I could see he wanted to. He was letting me get used to it still, and I was getting there. I was always rubbing my stomach and that had to be a good sign, right? That I was accepting our little boy or girl? Or it could be twins? With a spike of fear cutting through my mind, I let out a nervous laugh and shivered, pulling the blanket tighter around me. I doubted it would be twins. Highly unlikely at the very least. I would have my first scan at the hospital in a week just to make sure that everything was going according to plan, as it should be.

I smiled at the thought just as Peeta's key turned in the lock.

He ducked in through the door, snow dropping away from his hair and his shoulders as he hastily shrugged his coat off, pried his gloves and scarf off and hopped from foot to foot to get his soaked shoes and socks off. I smiled to myself; he looked quite comical all pink and cold and hopping about like a startled rabbit. "How was work?" I called out as I prised myself away from the sofa and padded out across the hall and into the kitchen to put the kettle on. I was really craving hot chocolate and knew it would be perfect to warm Peeta up –just as long as his had a touch of cinnamon in it. When he saw me in the kitchen Peeta smiled and waddled over, rubbing warmth back into his hands, his teeth still chattering. "Go and get warmed up," I said as I smacked his cold hands away from me, "Go on, you'll feel better."

Peeta smiled at me, his jaw wobbling before he smacked a kiss on my cheek. I yelped and leaned away from him at the cold, slimy touch of his nose and his cold chapped lips. He chuckled as I shooed him away and went back to making us both some hot chocolate. I warmed my hands around the mugs as they cooled down on the counter, Peeta's heavy footsteps clambering down the stairs jolted me out of my musings. He took a mug and leaned back against the counter, his good leg bent and crossed over his prosthetic as he drank deeply from the mug, his muscles unwinding and relaxing in the warmth. "Work was alright," he finally sighed giving me a long lazy smile that made my stomach flip, even now. "Got a new order of cupcakes for the Spring Fair at the school for March so that should be interesting," he grinned at me before setting his mug down and holding his arms open for me.

Normally the subject of the school would have angered me. Now I just felt my stomach flip about from annoyance or dulled excitement that one day we'd be going to that school every day –I couldn't tell, as I let Peeta's warmth wrap around me and rested my head against his shoulder. "That sounds like a tall order," I murmured as I pressed a soft kiss to his neck, "How's your leg?"

He huffed slightly in my ear, "It's not too bad, it could be worse but then this weather never really helps."

I looped my arms around his waist and leaned into him, "I can run you a bath after dinner if you like?"

He snorted and shook his head, "I'm not a girl, Kat, that bathtub was only kept for you." '_And the baby_' hung unspoken in the air, but it still sent a shiver running down my spine. As he went off to wash and get dressed into something comfier, I sat down at the kitchen table and fell into a sort of trance, staring out towards the front door without really seeing it. A darkness crept in from the back of my mind and my head started to hurt with an ugly pressure I didn't want to feel again. It was the same sort of darkness I felt when –the day Dad died. I rubbed a hand firmly over my stomach and pursed my lips and clenched all my muscles tightly, trying to force the throbbing away from my temples. I didn't want any child of mine to know that loss. Even though Peeta didn't work in the mines and no doubt never would, but that didn't keep the fear that one day this child might wake up to find their mummy and daddy simply … not there anymore. And oddly enough this new bubbling fear scared me almost as much of never waking up to seeing Peeta's beautiful golden hair in the morning tickling my nose. To not have this child was suddenly almost like not having Peeta, and I would do everything I could to keep us all together.

Inhaling deeply, I closed my eyes and tried to count slowly, a calming technique Peeta had learned during his therapy after the Revolution. After being hijacked I didn't blame him for going to the therapist; I thought it was extremely brave of him to even want to go.

_One … Two … Three …_

I couldn't to what he did, and divulge my inner most worries to a stranger who was being paid to judge me. I clenched and unclenched my fingers and finally I felt the fear ebbing away from my mind, dragging the blackness from behind my eyelids with it.

_Seven … Eight … Nine …_

I soft shiver ran down my spine and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up on end. I turned around in my chair to see Peeta trying to creep up behind me, a sly grin on his face and his hands behind his back. "What have you got behind your back?" I asked raising an eyebrow and frowning slightly over at him. It was hard not to smile back though. His smiles were always contagious.

"Now don't get upset with me, but I saw in when I was doing little deliveries around town and stopped by after work to pick it up," he warned his smile faltering slightly at the corners of his mouth. I suddenly had an awful image in my head that he panicked every time he wanted to bring a gift home. Did I really subject him to this internal battle every day? I grimaced and dropped my gaze away from him, which was no doubt the wrong thing to do because he settled him down in the chair beside me and took my hands in his, "Oh Kat, I'm so sorry," he breathed, his warm surrounding my suddenly cold hands. "I should have asked, I wasn't thinking."

"I haven't even seen it yet and you're panicking," I murmured slipping my hand out of his, "Do you always worry like this? That you don't want to upset me that much, you doubt yourself?" I didn't mean to sound waspish, but Peeta was impulsive and charming and subtle, and that's what I loved about him. His expression answered my question and I felt a little sick, "Peeta, whatever you do, don't worry about my reaction. You'll know if I hate it _that_ much." I was striving for a joke but it didn't seem to come out right because his expression didn't waver.

He dropped his gaze into his lap and fiddled about with something, the gift no doubt, looking conflicted. "It's just –I know this is still a sensitive topic with us," he started softly, toying with whatever it was, "But I thought this would help to make it a little more … I don't know … less scary?"

_This was for the baby?_

The realisation hit me square in the chest and left a soft heat spreading through me. "It's for the baby?" I asked gently a wobbly smile creeping onto my lips. I silently cursed how easy my hormones were being affected so early on, but mother warned me that every woman was different. Why I had to get emotional was beyond me, but at that moment I couldn't care.

The realisation hit me square in the chest and left a soft heat spreading through me. "It's for the baby?" I asked gently a wobbly smile creeping onto my lips. I silently cursed how easy my hormones were being affected so early on, but mother warned me that every woman was different. Why I had to get emotional was beyond me, but at that moment I couldn't care. "Well, let me see it then," I breathed with a tender smile and a small shake to his forearm, trying to get him to notice that I wasn't angry or even upset. I was having a good evening.

_'I really want to see if this will make being a mum less scary.'_

From underneath the table he drew out a little corn-coloured bear with a little cream silk ribbon wrapped around its neck. I felt my eyes widen a little at how sweet and soft it was as I cupped it in my hands. I looked down into the glass amber eyes and felt my fingertips tickle through its fur. I looked up at Peeta's anxious expression and smiled over at him, "This is so sweet of you." Before he could register that I was happy, I leaned over and pressed my mouth to his.

He smiled into the kiss and brought his strong hand up to curve around my neck and massage the soft spot there that always makes me feel blissful. I moaned softly into the course before we pulled away slightly and leaned our foreheads against one another and smiling softly.

We sat in the kitchen for almost an hour talking idly about Johanna's upcoming visit, how best to tell her the news and what we should do whilst she was here with us when Peeta's eyes trailed down the hallway and landed on my bow and quiver propped up beside the front door. I felt his muscles tense slightly underneath my fingers. "Katniss," he hedged gently, as though talking to a dog that could turn on you if you use the wrong tone of voice, "Did you go out hunting today?" I nodded my head slowly with a confused frown. Why was this an issue? He knew that I loved to be outdoors. He sighed and rubbed his hands over his eyes, "Katniss –I would really appreciate it if you didn't go out and hunt in this weather. It's too risky."

I wished I could had been reasonable but my tongue lashed out before my brain could fully digest his words, "_What_?" I snapped, my fist closing around the little teddy's throat, "You _know_ I love to go out into the woods Peeta. I'm not going to stop being who I am just because of what my mother says!"

Peeta looked up at me with steady eyes and I could tell by the tick in his jaw that he was fighting to yell at me. My blood boiled and roared in my ears. "Katniss please, I just don't want you to slip and be stuck out there with a busted knee or something. How would I know where to look for you? I'm just concerned about you and the baby –I don't want either of you to get hurt."

He reached for my hand but I jerked away and stood up from the table. "Whatever Peeta," I grumbled and turned to storm up the stairs to our bedroom. I slammed the door behind me a deep hurt gnawing away at my insides as I collapsed down onto the bed and curled up into a ball. How could he ask such a thing of me? I already reduced myself to our back garden but now I couldn't even hunt? The one thing that kept me close to my father and kept his memory alive and he wanted to prevent me from relishing in our past memories? Deep in the back of my mind I knew why. How could I not? The reason was growing slowly and steadily inside my womb.

_Dad's first grandchild._

As the hot tears leaked out of my aching head I cuffed my nose on the back of my hand and suddenly realised I was still clutching the bear by the throat, it's silk ribbon slightly rumpled from my grip. I let out a shuddering sob and tried to choke back the tears as I rolled onto my back and placed the little bear against my clammy skin and stroked its fur, the softness under my fingers soothing me. I drew in long, slow breaths and tried to clear my mind. '_You're being selfish again_,' the voice in my head admonished, '_You need to start thinking about Peeta and the little one before yourself now. That's what being a mother and a wife was all about; being there for your family_.'

It was true, I was being selfish and I was going to regret my actions later down the road. Heck, I regretted them now. Stroking the teddies head I murmured softly, "Shh, shh, it's okay. We aren't mad at each other. Sometimes they just talk really loud. We're just being silly. Get some sleep now." I stared up at the ceiling for a while absently stroking my flat stomach and wondering if I had rushed into this motherhood thing without thinking it all the way through.

I must have fallen asleep straight after because I don't remember hearing Peeta come to bed.

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**A/N: Okay I know this is late but I didn't get to finish it for yesterday. I hope you like this update. Please R&R I like to hear your thoughts on it all :) x**


	6. CHAPTER 5 Katniss

Pairing: Peeta x Katniss.

Rating: M

Warning: Mature content. Deals with issues of pregnancy, and other issues that readers may find sensitive.

Update: Tuesday

Disclaimer: After fifteen years of marriage Katniss is counting the minutes for a pregnancy test to show results. She'd always been so careful. She had no idea what the rebellious actions she takes would cause to her marriage. Fighting to survive the hurdles of love and life and a needy little puppy thrown into the mix, Katniss is living in her own brand of hell. Can she manage to fix the damage and fall in love with Peeta again before they both seriously contemplate divorce?

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**Chapter Five**

_Katniss_

The following weekend when Johanna arrived for her annual visit, Peeta and I finally broke the news to her.

She stared over at us from across the kitchen table, sipping at her mint tea and then her face split into a wide grin as she leaned over and thumped my shoulder playfully. It would bruise later on but it didn't matter. "You finally made an honest women out of brainless, then, did yah Peeta?" she winked at him and snatched a biscuit from the little basket between us. I shared a small smile with Peeta and found that he was grinning widely. "Well I'm glad for you both. I've been wondering when I'd see a little bread boy wobbling about with his fists stuffed with cookies."

Peeta chuckled and then wrapped an arm around my neck and pressed a warm lingering kiss to my cheek that made my heart flip in my chest. "I'm off to the bakery to help out Rye for a little. Johanna, please don't corrupt our child until I get back," he teased and then winked cheekily at me before placing another kiss to my forehead and walking back out into the hallway to tug his boots on. As soon as the front door closed behind him and the cool slip of air that skittered around my ankles vanished, I looked up at Johanna to see her watching me.

"What?" I asked with a frown as I sipped at my tea.

"So are you going to tell me what made you change your mind?" she asked with an eyebrow raised.

I shrugged, "I just changed it. What more is there to say?" I was being too evasive I knew that, but how was I meant to explain a life-changing decision?

"I know you, brainless. You don't make such rash decisions for no reason. Just tell me. I won't judge."

I sighed and traced my fingers around the brim of my mug. "I don't know I just -I got jealous. We went to the clinic one day and there was this woman with a little boy. He kept coming up to Peeta and playing with him and I just -it broke my heart, you know? That he looked so happy and could have that family and that life if it wasn't for me. I was holding him back," I wiped at my eyes not wanting to cry in front of Johanna, "And then I realised that if he was going to have that life, that family, then it should be with _me._"

I peeked up to see a small, sincere smile playing on Jo's lips. "I knew you'd see it sooner or later, brainless. Peeta loves you. If you're going to have a family with anyone, it should be him. He makes you a better person. Not that you weren't already, but he brings out the best in you whenever I'm here."

I couldn't help the small smile as I drank the rest of my tea, "I know it's not the conventional way to have a child, but I do love Peeta and he's always wanted children. I think it would kill me to see him with someone else and their child."

Johanna smiled and placed an unusually soft hand over my own, "Believe me, I do understand where you're coming from. Besides, at least this way I can have someone to spoil as well. It'd be fun when you guys come and visit me. Contrary to popular belief, I do quite like children."

I blinked in surprise but didn't question the statement. After all how would I know? It wasn't as though we were constantly around children at all in the last fifteen years. I smiled at her and absently ran a hand over my stomach beneath the table. "So Jo, any men in your District catching your eye?"

She snorted as she snatched another biscuit and bit into it, "Don't be daft. I haven't settled and at this rate I don't think I will be settling any time soon. Too old for all of that," she stated waving her hand about so that crumbs dusted down onto the table.

I rolled my eyes, "If I can still managed to find some normalcy in life then so can you."

She shook her head with a little smile but didn't comment any further about the family she refused herself to want. We talked a little more about random things that held no real relevance when the subject came back to 'baby' again. She asked me all sorts of questions about the morning sickness –not that I'd had much of it yet –and that she was sure it was really meant to be 'mourning sickness'. That one made me chuckle and then she asked if she could see the nursery. She's always admired Peeta's artwork, but then it was hard not to love his natural talent. We drifted up the stairs from the kitchen, leaving our empty mugs on the table, and then trailed up to the spare room that Peeta had so lovingly converted as a nursery and my own private little sanctuary to go to.

Her face broke out into a grin as she saw it, "Wow he did all of this when you were how far gone?" she asked quirking an eyebrow and poking at my stomach.

"Only about two weeks in," I murmured as my eyes drifted over the painted clouds.

"That's a bit early to start preparing the place isn't it?" she asked, voicing the concerns that everyone has been having since I'd first told them.

I nodded slowly, "Yes it is but you should have seen how excited her was when he'd come home from ordering the paints with colour swatches –I just couldn't say 'no' and crush his spirit, could I?"

Johanna smiled endearingly at me, "Nah I don't think that would have gone down too well, especially since he's been waiting forever to do this, clearly. He's obviously thought about this for a very long time?"

"You think?" I asked with widening eyes as I drank in the room around me properly for the first time in ages. How many times had Peeta planned this room out over the years? Had it changed since the first, original plan he'd come up with? How many had the designs changed or the colours? Or did he simply go with what felt natural in the moment? How many times did he actually paint it whilst I was out? I heaved out a sigh and rub at my temples, "Sometimes I forget just how much he really wanted children all this time."

"Hey don't get teary-eyed on me, brainless," Johanna teased with her usual smirk, "He's getting his baby now and you can both be happy, right? That's what matters." I tried to smile as my brain started to work over-time and a thrumming headache started up. Johanna frowned at me, "Do you want to go and rest for a little while?"

I nodded weakly, "You don't mind do you? I don't want you to get bored."

She smiled and then flicked my ear, "Don't worry about it. I'll just watch the stupid Network for a little while and then I'll come and kick you out of bed for ignoring me." I couldn't help but smile at her as I wandered off down the landing to my own bedroom and snuggled up under the duvet that still, oddly enough, smelled of Peeta. It seemed to calm my headache as I drifted off.

The rest of Johanna's visit passed without much incident; mostly she spent her time with me and we walked around Twelve and even wandered around in the forest a couple of time, despite Peeta's disapproving looks whenever I told him that was where we were going. Since that last argument he had refused to argue about it with me, but I can tell that I'd been pushing my luck with his patience. He was acting as though I wasn't taking this pregnancy seriously, but I was. Just because I didn't want to be cooped up inside all day long didn't make me a bad person. Did it? Whilst Peeta was out at the bakery as often as Rye needed him I was just expected to stay indoors all day long and do nothing? Or did he want me to go and pay Haymitch more attention whenever Effie didn't stop by for a chat? I grimaced at the thought as I washed my hair over the side of the bathtub and rung it out before bundling it up in a towel and leaning back against the cold tiled wall. I didn't need to think about those two right at that moment otherwise I'd no doubt bring up my breakfast.

The weeks seemed to drag on into January with nothing really changing; Peeta still didn't like be going out to hunt but he didn't press the issue too much after we had another little tiff after Johanna's visit, which had resulted in me storming around the back garden until my feet had turned numb with the cold. I'd started to feel a little like a caged animal but my instinct called down on me during the night when I tried to sleep, telling me that he was merely worried about the child and that he wanted to keep us both safe. It was hard not to love him for that, but it still irked me sometimes. I suppose I did have the large back garden at the very least. I didn't need to hunt, but I enjoyed it. And pretty soon I wouldn't be able to even see my toes let alone try and be stealthy and graceful whilst hunting wild pheasant and hares in the underbrush.

I suppose I should have felt guilty about not wanting to stay at home and 'rest myself' like everyone had been suggesting, but I wasn't that sort of person. I liked to walk about and unwind in the open, and inhale the good fresh air and explore the woods. Perhaps winter wasn't the best time to do such things, but I couldn't control the seasons now, could I? I wasn't one to sit at home and knit baby clothes –partly because the last time I had tried to knit my scarf had turned out looking more like a noose. The worst thing was, my mother loved to do all of that stuff when she wasn't at the hospital. I don't see why she couldn't just make a bunch of things that she knew I could never do and then just offer it as her gift to the little one when the time comes? Granted, I hadn't seen my mother in a couple of weeks so I didn't know _what_ she had been doing in her spare time.

I ran my hand over my damp features thinking that I should probably go along and spent an evening with her, even though it would be taxing on the both of us without Peeta or even Archie there with us to relieve the tension.

Perhaps I needed to make more of an effort with her now that I was carrying her first and no doubt, only grandchild?

Grumbling to myself I decided to go out and have a stroll in the forest and clear my head. I just needed the fresh air. Peeta wouldn't mind. He only seemed to mind if I took my bow and quiver with me. Braiding my hair and going to the wardrobe to change I hurried down the stairs to slip my thick warm boots on and bundle myself up like a thermal present before grabbing my keys off the kitchen counter and stepping out into the cold air. After a brief brisk walk I decided to head along by the bakery and see how Peeta and Rye were fairing. Since it was winter all the people in Panem seemed to flock to the nearest warm place that served food or hot drinks, and luckily for most in my district, the Mellark's family bakery was _the_ place to be on a brisk afternoon.

"Hey Rye is Peeta here?" I asked as I closed the door behind me and unwound the scarf from around my neck. It would get warmer within minutes by the time I'd settled in for a cup of tea and I didn't want to melt into a stool.

"No 'Hi Rye', 'How are you Rye?' just straight to 'Where's my husband?' that's a low blow even for you Katniss," he teased and shook his head in mock despair. I swatted at his arm over the counter and he chuckled as he placed a few last cupcakes into the display case. "He's in the back finishing off a birthday cake order. You want me to call him out for you?"

I waved the suggestion away, "No, there's no rush. I just came in for some tea and something to nibble on. My stomach's been playing up all day."

"Well _that_ I think_ I_ can help you with," he grinned at me before leaning over the counter, "So what'll it be today, Katniss?"

"Just a peppermint tea and a couple of cheese buns. At least if I don't eat them now I can save them for later," I grimaced at the thought of the raisin scones I hadn't been able to eat and that had started to grow mould in the breadbin before Peeta had finally thrown them out.

I nodded, "Yes it is, but Peeta's sort of –wanted this longer than I have. Just let him enjoy it, he's not doing anyone any harm. It's not like we've thought of names or anything yet." At those words, I watched as Rye dropped his head down and became all too interested in washing the glasses in the sink to turn around and continue the conversation, or at the very least, disprove my statement. He did neither of those things. "Rye?" I asked hesitantly, feeling my palms begin to sweat as I clenched my fingers into fists over and over in my lap. I shook my head slowly, "Rye please don't tell me he's been thinking of names?" I knew I sounded panicked but I couldn't help it.

Names definitely_ were_ too early.

He turned back around to the counter as soon as the kettle had boiled, my nerve end rubbing together and sending jolts of uneasy electricity running up and down my body. I feel like a needed to bolt out of the shop but I was rooted to the spot, my eyes fixed on the back of my brother-in-laws head. "What do you want me to say, Kat?" he asked softly so as not to alert the few other customers around us, "He's wanted kids since he was a good. If there was an award for who could be the best 'Dad' whilst playing Mummy's and Daddy's it would have gone to Peeta every year running, and you know it. You know all of this, why is this such a surprise to you?" he asked, genuinely curious.

I felt my defences flare up again as I narrowed my eyes up at him and hissed, "Because we're not playing games anymore, Rye, this is for real!" I bit my lip and glanced around at the others around me who were too busy nibbling at their cookies and sipping at their drinks. I bit down on my thumbnail and peered up at him, "Why do I feel like I'm the only one standing still in the middle of a busy crowd? Everyone else seems to know how to go about this baby-thing and I feel as though I'm being left out in the cold when I'm the little one's _mother_ for crying out loud!" _God, was I crying?_ Yes, I could feel the hot tears slipping silently down my cheeks as I scrubbed at them and clenched my jaw tightly in a vain attempt to ignore the hot thrumming inside my skull.

Rye frowned and reached out to touch my forearm, but I flinched away. I don't know why, but just having him touch me would mean that this conversation was real. I couldn't have it be real. Not today. I combed my hair out of my eyes and decided that I did need fresh air after all. "I'm going," I gasped out as I stood abruptly, my stool scraping back beneath me.

Just as I pushed the door open, trying my best to hide my face from Rye, he called out to me, "KAT! Your tea!"

"Have it on me!" I called over my shoulder and then slammed the door closed behind me.

Later that afternoon when the sky was only just tinted dark and my tears had long since dried into my chalky white skin, I found myself leaning against a fallen tree to catch my breath, resting my game satchel down at my feet. I'd had quite a good haul that day which should have made my bad mood disappear but it did very little to cheer me up. Usually I would hurry home and show Peeta all that I had caught before heading over to Sae's and giving her more than she's asked for and resulting in a little extra pocket money for Peeta and I to use to treat ourselves. Only now I couldn't do that because he would disapprove of me being out so late let alone out hunting in the forest. I blew out a heavy breath and watched as the vapour floated off into the tall trees.

He needed to stop being so over-bearing. I wasn't even showing yet, surely that was a sign that I didn't need to rest every second of every day, right?

Groaning deeply, I winced as a pang bolted through my stomach and had me keeling over slightly against the tree, pressing both my forearms around my middle to stop the over-whelming pain from spreading. My stomach gave a weak growl and I blanched. I really had been reckless. I hadn't eaten –the cheese buns at the bakery were meant to have been a substitute for my missed lunch and thrown-up breakfast –and now I was suffering from some severe stomach cramps. Grunting I swept my loose hair back away from my face and forced my back to straighten before I rotated my shoulder muscles a few times and tried not to wince as the pain niggled at me. I needed to eat. I hadn't even realised how famished I was until that moment, and within moments I felt all too stupid. That perhaps everyone was right and that I couldn't do any of this on my own.

Sighing heavily, I bent down to swipe my satchel off the forest floor and swing it over my shoulder, adjusting my quiver and bow as I did so. It all felt a little heavier than what I was used to, but I put a lot of it down to having not eaten anything proper since the previous evening. Perhaps there'd be a pie in the oven I could heat up and soak some biscuits in gravy? That sounded like Heaven, and my stomach had grunted in response.

I started to pick a path back towards the flat meadow where I would be able to see Twelve through the fence. Realistically, it was rather stupid that I still came out all this way whenever I could just to feel a little bit of that old, forbidden freedom that I had when Gale and I had been silly teenagers. But it was my sanctuary and I needed to clear my head out there whenever something got too strenuous.

Like finding out that Peeta was leaps and bounds ahead of me in the 'baby-game'.

I shouldn't have felt bad, not really. It was true, he had wanted children for as long as I had known him. When we won the revolution it had simply solidified the fact that one day he would like to be a father and to have a family of his own. Now he was finally getting that wish. Who was I, really, to tell him not to talk about names? Had I not just only come around to the idea of being a wife _and _mother? Perhaps that was my problem; perhaps I was worried about everyone judging me for not being as enthusiastic as Peeta was being? Was I supposed to be that excited when I wasn't even three months gone? Weren't you supposed to wait until the ten-week scan before you got so _overly _excited? I didn't know what to feel as I trudged through a dense pathway of mud that sloped downwards and then up in short stubby humps throughout the thick greenery. On the one had I was happy; after all we were going to be choosing baby names for girls and boys eventually, so what was the harm in starting now? Or at the very least hearing Peeta's suggestions? After-all it wasn't like I had much experience with names that I'd like.

It wouldn't really hurt just to talk to him about it though. If we were going to do this then we needed to talk to one another about all of this. I seemed to be worrying about all the serious issues when he was only concerned about the superficial things. Well, I couldn't say that as pure fact. I didn't like talking about this sort of stuff with him because it always seemed to come back to my hunting. I don't think he did it on purpose but still, he was like a dog with a bone.

I was nearing the end of the forest, I could smell the cold air that lingered over the meadow beckoning to me, and I could see the glimmering grass through the neatly packed tree trunks. I breathed a small smile of relief as I padded my way along the entwined pathways half-hidden under the weight of all the knotted grass.

As I was nearing the last embankment to climb up on, my boot slipped on a patch of ice that hadn't thawed in the shade. My ankle got caught in a tangle of grass and I lost my footing, falling backwards down into the sloping ditch. The crunch of small animals bones under my weight along with the snap of one or more of my arrows make my stomach heave and I threw up what little bile I had left from earlier.

I shivered and felt my limbs start to convulse as I drew my aching legs up to my chest and flexed my arms to make sure that they were still working. I gasped in deep lungful's of cold air and shuddered even more as I looked up at the slope I'd slipped down. It was only small. How had I misjudged it?

'_All your stupid daydreaming_,' the voice sneered in the back of my head.

I clenched my teeth together and forced the force to shut up before I straightened myself into a proper sitting position. I shouldn't have gone out hunting on an empty stomach. All this walking around on nothing but air and a little Luke warm tea this morning was hardly the foundations of a perfect day, were they? True, I had more than enough game for the next week and a half at least, but other than that I should have known I would have run low on my energy sooner or later.

But why did it have to be now when I was half-way home?

Raking my hair out of my eyes I forced myself onto my hands and knees and went about pushing myself up onto my feet only to find that I had twisted my ankle, several blades of knotted grass will tied around it. How was I supposed to limp home on a twisted ankle with the weight of my bow, arrows and game on my back? I couldn't very well leave the game here. It would attract predators. And then it would have all been for nothing. I couldn't leave my bow and arrows either. They were priceless to me.

Sighing, I unfastened my satchel from about my shoulders and hauled it at far as I could over the slopes summit.

"Come Katniss, don't be such a baby," I hissed at myself as I clawed my fingernails into the dirt sloped and hauled myself upward, using my good foot as leverage and my weakening arm muscles to claw my way back over the hump. It took a lot longer than it should have. My twisted ankle refused to hold any grip beneath me, and I constantly found myself gagging on a mouthful of dirt whenever I slipped a foot lower than where I'd been. When I had finally reached the grassy hilltop and caught sight of my satchel sitting untouched I rolled over onto my back and collapsed on the forest floor, ignoring the fallen twigs that dug through my coat and into my back and thighs. I could feel cold sweat tinting my skin and I shivered. My teeth started to chatter as I closed my eyes for a moment to regain my breath.

_How had this happened?_ That was stupid; I knew the answer to that. It was all my fault. I should have listened to Peeta. I should have stayed at home where it was safe. Maybe forced myself to do a puzzled or some other such nonsense. At least I would have been _safe._

Was this my punishment for not heeding good advice? Freezing to death on the forest floor with a twisted ankle? How tragically 'normal' of me to die in such a silly fashion; no dramatic arena death, no heroes death in the revolution, no; my death was to be pregnant and freezing in the forest with a busted ankle.

_Pregnant._

I sat bolt upright ignoring the knots of pain screaming at me from different parts of my body. I needed to get home, I needed to get home to Peeta and relax and rest and take another one of those infernal pregnancy test just to make sure that everything we'd been working for the last few months didn't go down the drain because of a twisted ankle. Peeta would never forgive –or maybe he would? Even then I couldn't forgive myself, and that's the sort of pain I knew I could live without.

I did my best to heave my body as upright as possible, gathering my satchel over my shoulder and praying that my bow wasn't damaged. I had a few spare quivers of arrows but the bow was something no one could replace.

I did my best to heave my body as upright as possible, gathering my satchel over my shoulder and praying that my bow wasn't damaged. I had a few spare quivers of arrows but the bow was something no one could replace. I don't know how long it took me to stagger home but by the time I hobbled into the Victor's Village the sky was black and my bones were shivering from the cold that pervaded the air. I threw the door of our home open and threw my bow, arrows and satchel into the hallway and went into the kitchen where Peeta had stopped mid-way through raising a mug of coffee to his lips. I caught the disapproving stare as his blue eyes flickered from the items strewn on the floor to my ragged, hobbling appearance. I beat him to the punch though.

"Lock them away," I demanded, pointing down at my once most treasured items in the whole district. Now I had something else new and wonderful to treasure and I'd be damned if I was the cause of the little one's distress. I hoped it was okay but I wouldn't know until I could get a free moment and take another test, just to reassure myself.

Peeta frowned at me and set the mug down, "What do you mean, Kat?" he asked softly, his words on edge and a little worried, I could tell by his tone, but I shook my head at him. "What's happened to your ankle?"

"No, don't say anything. Don't even tell me where you put them, just lock them away and don't let me touch them! Okay?" I pleaded and I knew I looked more than a little manic but I needed to take that bloody test.

With a heavy frown marring his golden features he pushed himself away from the kitchen counter and bent to pick up the satchel to place on the kitchen table before reaching for my bow. I couldn't watch; I turned away with a choking sob latched in my throat as I hobbled my way up the stairs and made my way to our bedroom. I locked the door to the bathroom and dug around in the drawer for one of my few remaining tests. Tearing the plastic wrapping with my teeth I waited a little while until I needed to pee, and then I took the test and set it to one side on the sink to wait it out.

Those three minutes seemed to take forever to tick by.

When it was finally time I drew in a deep breath as I closed my eyes, held the test in front of me and then opened them.

_Positive_; I was still pregnant with Peeta's baby!

The relief that I felt when that little pink cross had appeared was only rivalled by the time I'd seen Peeta still alive in those Capitol Propaganda reels during the revolution. It was fear mixed with hope and disbelief and happiness all in one and I had never been so over-joyed to feel that array of emotions again. Wiping at my eyes I stripped down at best as I could on my injured ankle and went about having a quick shower, balancing on one leg as much as it made my left leg ache with all my weight thrust upon it. I scrubbed the mud off my skin and out of my hair, even going as far to brush my teeth twice in case I'd scraped some worms from the earth with my teeth. Once I was dressed in my soft warm pyjamas and my hair was dried and tied up into two braids, I went into the first aid kit under the bathroom sink and pulled out an ankle support sock. I slipped it on, wincing at the tightness of the fabric, but didn't outright complain as I pulled a sock on over my left foot and then hobbled downstairs, using the banister for support, and going to stretch out on the sofa.

Peeta came in not long after me with a red hot water bottle in his hands. He silently raised my right ankle and slipped a cushion underneath it to keep it elevated and placed the hot water bottle wrapped in a towel over my ankle. I hummed as the warmth seeped through to my cold bones. "So," he murmured as he sat down beside me, leaning over me to brush the stray hairs out of my eyes, "Are you going to tell me what happened out there?"

A part of me didn't want to, because it would only make him worry. But he needed to know. He had to know. "I was upset because I'd come by to see you in the bakery this afternoon and got talking to Rye while you were finishing off a cake," he nodded his head for me to continue, so I took a deep breath and forced my voice to work, "And he may have mentioned how more 'evolved' you were to the idea of children and being a parent, and I felt –like I wasn't doing everything properly. I needed to get away and clear my head a little." I waved my hand in the air, "And then –well –I slipped on my way back to the meadow into a shallow ditch and had to climb back out. That's how I screwed up my ankle."

He sighed and closed his eyes as though I exasperated him. I should've felt irritated but I didn't. I was exasperated with myself as well. "Katniss, I told you that if you were going to go out into the forest then doing it at a proper time and be careful."

Anger flashed through me. "I was trying to be!" I snapped out, leering up slightly to glare at him full on. "It's not my fault that I slipped you know!"

Unfazed as always, Peeta's warm hand eased me back down so that I was resting on my cushions. "Don't get worked up again. You need to rest. You're going to be off that ankle for a week or so at the very least. But you should be up and walking again for the ten-week scan so don't worry." He patted my thigh, his thick warm fingers lingering for a moment that made my stomach stir with heat.

"I didn't mean for this to happen," I mumbled to myself, "But it won't happen again. Today scared me enough. I don't want to go through that again anytime soon."

"You didn't hurt –anything else when you twisted your ankle, did you?" he hedged, his worried blue eyes darting down to my still flat stomach and hovering there a moment longer than really necessary.

Winding my arms around my stomach and slipping my fingers through his, I shook my head softly. "No, we're both fine," I murmured gently, "I took a test just to make sure when I went upstairs and it came back positive. So there's nothing to worry about." I gave him a calm smile that must have reassured him because it seemed as though in the blink of an eye, years of worry had melted away from him leaving me with this fresh-faced, golden-haired man who loved me and our baby with every fibre of his being.

And I loved him with all of mine.

He curled down and pressed his warm mouth against the sliver of exposed skin beneath my pyjama shirt and nuzzled the tip of his nose against my bellybutton. I couldn't help but giggle a little at how ticklish my skin was whenever the vague hint of stubble grazed over it. I threaded my fingers through his hair and hummed softly as he continued to kiss me stomach as I massaged the back of his neck lightly. His arms came up to curl alongside my hips as I shifted my left leg over to he could lie down on the sofa beside me properly.

Despite my foolishness earlier and the panic I'd felt, I couldn't have been happier with the way the day had turned out over all. I still had my baby and I still had Peeta.

That was all I needed.

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**A/N: I know this chapter was a wee bit late but hopefully you enjoy nonetheless. **


	7. CHAPTER 6 Peeta

Pairing: Peeta x Katniss.

Rating: M

Warning: Mature content. Deals with issues of pregnancy, and other issues that readers may find sensitive.

Update: Tuesday

Disclaimer: After fifteen years of marriage Katniss is counting the minutes for a pregnancy test to show results. She'd always been so careful. She had no idea what the rebellious actions she takes would cause to her marriage. Fighting to survive the hurdles of love and life and a needy little puppy thrown into the mix, Katniss is living in her own brand of hell. Can she manage to fix the damage and fall in love with Peeta again before they both seriously contemplate divorce?

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**Chapter Six:**

_Peeta_

My stomach gave a hearty growl as the smell of browning toast filled the air. I couldn't focus on it, though; as my gaze was fixated on the small blue cross I'd just marked on the kitchen calendar. Today was the day of Katniss' ten-week ultrasound and I'd already booked the day off from the bakery. Despite how calm we both were as we went about our morning routine of light breakfasts and washing, I could tell the Katniss was feeling as jittery with excitement as I was. This was the day we would get to see our little baby, properly, inside her. Sure, it wouldn't look any bigger than a tiny raisin, but that didn't matter to me.

Katniss came into the kitchen as I turned away from the calendar and snagged a piece of toast from where it had popped out, crunchy and brown from the toaster. She clamped it between her teeth and then wrinkled her eyes in what would have been a smile at me. I reached over and stroked a few strands of her silky soft dark hair behind her ears and then kissed the tip of her nose before she removed the toast, crumbs dropping everywhere, "So are you sure you don't want to stop by work afterwards and show Rye and your dad?" she asked as I handed her a mug of tea.

I shrugged a shoulder, "I'm not that bothered about it. I just want to get there first and see what the nurses have to say and then stop by the pharmacy if they've recommended anything. Rye, Dad and your mum can wait a little longer," I grinned as I turned around, my arm snaking around her waist and drawing her closer towards me, her full breasts pushing up through her raspberry pink knit jumper. They did look deliciously well-rounded, as I forced my eyes away from them, "Besides, I want to celebrate this with my beautiful wife first." I loved the tender blush that hued her cheeks before I clamped my teeth around the slice of toast and hurried on towards the stairs, grinning as she yelled up after me.

Hopping around on one foot at a time to struggle into my jeans whilst trying to eat the rest of the toast is definitely not a good skill, especially when my prosthetic leg got caught and I fell sideways onto the bed with a muffled 'thump'. By the time I was ready and hurrying down the stairs for my coat, Katniss was already by the door in her hat and scarf and gloves, tapping one boot on the floor with narrowed eyes. I gave a small grin to her as I got my outdoor clothes on and then held out my arm to her, "This way, Mrs. Mellark!" I grinned brightly as we stepped out into the pearly white winter day.

The walk along to the hospital was as uneventful as ever, the only uplifting moment was when we veered towards the schoolyard and instead of shying away from it like we had grown accustomed to doing over the years, this time we stopped for a few moments and watched as the children played with one another in the dusting of snow, the little bobbles on their hats bouncing as they ran and squealed in delight.

In a couple of years our own little one would be running about and laughing along with the others.

The waiting room was fairly quiet for the mid-morning slots, but then it didn't help that a lot of the women –they were mainly mothers who were forced out into the cold every school day –and needed some new tonics and teas to help clear their colds quicker. One of the many reasons I admired Lavender Everdeen for how she was finally making her life her own again. I think in her own quiet way, Katniss feels something along the same lines as I do. I know she loves her mother, but I can also understand how hard it is for her after not only losing her father but also her baby sister. Usually loss would make remaining family members closer, but suffice to say, I don't doubt that this was as close as Lavender and Katniss were going to get.

Perhaps the baby would help them to bond?

_'KATNISS MELLARK TO ROOM 23!' _squealed a voice over the intercom system.

I'd jumped out of my skin, my heart leaping into my throat as I cast a sheepish look around me. No one had paid attention, thank goodness, but that didn't stop the blush creeping up onto my cheeks. "Peeta?" Katniss' voice broke through my musings. I looked up with raised eyebrows, momentarily forgetting where I was. She slid her fingers into mind, "Come on, Peeta, they're waiting for us." She gave a gentle tug and I rose to my feet. I didn't want to tell her that they'd only just called so it wasn't like they'd be waiting a long time, but I held my tongue. This was supposed to be a good day.

Our shoes squeaked on the linoleum floor as we followed a dour looking nurse to Room 23. The nurse held the door open for Katniss and me, before turning over to take a seat in between the chaise Katniss had to lie down on and the computer monitor that would show what was inside Katniss' uterus. I couldn't help but frown a little as I shrugged out of my coat and scarf; the temperature change from the waiting area to the stuffy room had made my skin flush what I knew to be an ugly pink colour that clashed with my hair. It wasn't too long before Lavender came in through the door and smiled wistfully at her daughter. With a wave of her hand she dismissed the dour nurse and then turned to both of us. "So todays the big day that we finally get to see baby?" she smiled, her eye crinkling a little at the corners.

To my surprise Katniss nodded and spoke before I'd gotten a chance to fill the silence, "Yeah I'm a little nervous about it though."

I couldn't tell who was more surprised; me or her mother. I did feel a little ashamed though as I sat there beside the blue plastic covered bed and looked up at her. Why hadn't she told me she felt nervous? I wasn't exactly calm myself, I was scared as anything! Seeing the baby would be confirming that everything is one hundred percent real. Katniss seemed to catch onto the look I was sure was on my face, and slip her fingers into mine and squeezed. I gave her a weak smile that didn't hold as I stared down at my feet. "And how you feel about that, Peeta?" Lavender asked in her professional voice.

My head snapped up at the question, flushing again at how easily people were able to read me. I cleared my throat, "Well I'm a little scared about it too. I mean, when we see the little one there," I murmured as my hand drifted up to caress Katniss' flat stomach through her knit jumper, "Then this all becomes that much more real." I looked up between both of them and hastened to correct myself, "It's a good kind of scared, though. Like, walking-up-the-aisle scared. You can't wait for it, but the anticipation drives you crazy."

This seemed to appease both of them and Katniss even gave a shaky little laugh as she clasped both of her hands around mine, "I know that feeling only too well." I felt my heart swell with adoration as I looked over into her smoky grey eyes rimmed by thick black lashes and felt my heart skip a beat. Fifteen years on and she still makes me giddy as the first day I'd heard her sing. I gave her hand a reassuring squeeze.

"Alright Katniss just lift your shirt up for me. This is going to be a little cold," her mother instructed. Katniss complied and I watched her hitch her breath as cool, clear gel was squeezed out onto her exposed abdomen just above the unfastened waistband of her jeans. Within moments Lavender had pressed a small device against her stomach. "Just give it a couple of minutes and then we should be able to see a projection of the baby on the monitor," she informed us as she moved the device slowly from side to side, her clear blue eyes narrowing at the screen. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up on end as she adjusted her stance, and repeated the motions, left-to-right, right-to-left and then up and down. My throat suddenly felt tight and my hands started to grow clammy around Katniss'.

"Is something wrong?" Katniss asked, her voice sounding a little higher than usual. I'd barely noticed how her nails were digging into my skin as I was more focused on the hammering of my heart against the walls of my chest and the screaming noises filling my ears.

Lavender replaced the equipment and when she turned to us there was a tight smile on her lips but her eyes looked frightened. "I'll be right back. I just need to check something with Dr. Matthews." She didn't leave us any room to argue as she hurried straight out of the room.

We sat in a stony silence unlike any other. I could feel a numbness beginning to seep into my body and tickle at my senses. A weak sniffling sound came from over my shoulder and I turned around to see Katniss' grey eyes shimmering with a film of tears as her bottom lip trembled uncontrollably. "_P-Peeta_," she gasped out in a wet whisper, "_W-what's happened_?"

I shook my head not knowing what to say, what I could say, that would make the hurt go away even for a moment. We knew without knowing. I squeezed our hands around one another's and clenched my jaw tightly before forcing out a hushed answer, "I don't know, Katniss."

I could feel her trembling against me and I wanted nothing more to take her in my arms but I couldn't. Not when we had yet to confirm anything and the doctor was on his way. Not that it mattered. I knew and she knew. It didn't need official confirmation from a guy in a white coat. The numbness was speaking for itself as it worked its way through my system, the heat of her tears falling onto my white knuckles as the only thing I could feel outside of the hollowness inside me. I looked up at Katniss' red cheeks and wet eyes, her nose shining and hot as she fought the onslaught of agony that was threatening to overcome her.

The door clicked open to admit Lavender and Dr. Matthews.

Katniss took a few long breaths to try and calm herself but I could still feel her shaking as I held her hand. "Well?" she managed to choke out, her voice thick and wet with emotion.

Dr. Matthews, I tall greying man with thick glasses perched on his hooked nose looked down at us both and shook his head, "I'm sorry Mrs. Mellark but since Dr. Everdeen is your mother she is not permitted to tell you the news. I'm sorry, ma'am, but it would appear that your scan doesn't show what is meant to be in the uterus at ten weeks."

Katniss frowned, her lower lip wobbling, "W-what do you mean?" I didn't want to hear it and judging from the way my hand was now stinging from the nail wounds, Katniss didn't either.

Katniss shook her head and turned away, her shoulder heaving and quaking with the struggle not to cry. I licked my suddenly dry lips and looked up at them both, "Sh-she fell in the woods one afternoon and came back with a twisted ankle. But that wouldn't have harmed the baby, surely?" I knew I sounded naïve, almost childish if anything, but I only knew as much as the medical leaflets had told me.

Dr. Matthews inclined his head, "The accident itself at this early stage is highly unlikely to have been the cause, however, due to the emotional extremities no doubt caused by the accident and any stressful circumstances before or after, the hormonal imbalance could have made it difficult for the early development. It's not always the case though," he added his voice softening slightly, "Sometimes these things simply happen and it can't always be explained away. Perhaps your body simply wasn't ready to carry a child since you've been using protective pills for the last fifteen years. This sort of change is dramatic and your body probably wasn't as well adjusted as we'd hoped."

"I took the test," Katniss murmured, not looking at any one of us. Instead she was staring out of the window where snow particles drifted lazily in the light from the street lamps outside, "I took the test after the accident and it still said positive."

My ears were ringing with the words he'd just spoken. It was like I was listening through a thick cloud. My stomach felt cold and tight inside me. I wanted to get out of there but at the same time I was rooted to the spot, unable to move any part of my body. I felt my limbs start to shiver and I knew it had nothing to do with the weather pressing up against the windows.

"_Peeta_?" a voice echoed through the muffled cloud of my head. I jerked my head up and frowned in confusion at the doctor staring down at me. I blinked the fog away from my head. "Peeta did you hear what I just said?" I shook my head slowly from side-to-side, feeling as though my skull was rocking loose in my head. "Okay then, well, I was simply telling Katniss that she needs plenty of rest and then in a couple of months once her body had time to heal, you can try again."

_'Try again?'_ The words rang hollow against my cold heart. How on earth could we try again when this time alone had been a miracle and had been Katniss' decision? Somehow this blow to her system seemed far too big for her to jump back from. I knew I'd be struggling just to get my head around the fact that our nursery would be empty with no laughter and no scribbled drawings to pin up on the walls. There would be no chance of us walking past the children's schoolyard. It would be a taunting reminder that we wouldn't get to be standing there in a couple of years and waiting for home-time so that we could collect our own little child.

I small part of me wanted to go home so that I could just get away from the glaring lights and awful smells and just curl up in a ball under the covers of our bed and not come out again. With a sigh I pried my eyes away from the linoleum floor and looked up at Katniss. She looked just as lost as I felt at that moment. Her eyes flittered up to rest on mine, and there was no need for words. It was all conveyed in her beautiful, heartbroken eyes. I felt my water and I wanted to reach out and comfort her but I didn't want her to shrug me off. At this point her moods could go either way. "Can we go home now?" asked Katniss, her voice quiet and broken, barely above a whisper as she shifted upright and dropped her knees over the side of the bed.

I looked up over my shoulder as Lavender opened her mouth looking as though she wanted to protest, or at the very least lending Katniss some more information or say something comforting but she seemed at as much of a loss as I was. I was her husband and I should know. I did know that actions would speak louder with words for Katniss right now. I tried to incline my head slightly for Lavender to cross the distance between her and her daughter, but she hesitated too long and soon Katniss and snagged her coat off of the hook my the door and left, the suction noise following me out as I hurried on after her, casting an apologetic look over at Lavender before I left.

"Katniss!" I called out as I hurried on down the corridor to catch up with her. She stopped but didn't look up as I approached, her shoulders hunched and her cheeks still pink and damp from crying. I hesitated a manner before I slid my arm around her shoulders and drew her against me. She shifted closer to me, her body feeling a little tense as I embraced her, stroking soothing circles against her back. She rested her head in the crook of my neck, the warmth of her breath making me shiver. She sniffled weakly and let out a small strangled sob before clearing her throat, sighing and pulling away. I looked down at her and cupped her face in my hand. "Katniss," It was all I could think of saying, and somehow in that one word, she seemed to understand that I was suffering too.

"Let's go home, Peeta," she breathed weakly as she slipped her gloves fingers into mine and together we walked out of the hospital, leaving all our hopes and dreams to die in that little white room.

The walk home was like a never-ending nightmare that simply wouldn't end. Like walking through a cold, black castle of ice and there was no way out, no light at the end of the tunnel, nothing to look forward to. I squeezed Katniss' fingers and she leaned a little closer into me as we mounted the stairs to the front door. I slipped the key into the lock and pushed it open and let Katniss in ahead of me. We went about our routines of hanging up our clothes and shifting around in a fractured evening routine that seemed alien to me. When we were both back downstairs in the kitchen, leaning over the table in our thermal pyjamas, I finally decided to break the silence, the heavy pressure in my chest needing to get out. "You heard what the doctor said," I finally managed to breathe, "In a couple of months –"

"No," she mumbled a little more forcefully than I thought she'd be able to manage. She look at me, her pearly grey eyes gleaming with tears, "No, I –I don't think I can, Peeta." She wiped at her eyes, "What if it happens again?" her voice wobbled and I slipped my hand into hers. She squeezed it tightly, as though she was afraid that she'd slip away from me. "What if we just weren't meant to have children?" she raked her hair out of her eyes. She looked so defeated. I know I probably didn't look much better but that didn't matter. I could rest when I was asleep. I didn't like to think that this one setback would tarnish her view on us ever being a family. She needed time to rest and think things through, I knew that. I refused to rush her. I pressed her hand to my mouth and winced at how cold she felt.

"Come on, come with me and relax, alright? We'll just get you rested and I know I need to work tomorrow, but do you want me to call Johanna and get to come and stay with you and keep you company?" I asked as I led her into the lounge area and eased her down onto the sofa. She didn't protest like she normally would have. Instead she reclined against the plush cushions and allowed me to drape the thick blanket down over her body. I smiled softly and combed her hair out of her eyes. "I think you need some girl company right now. As much as I want to be here for you … I don't want you to feel guilty about anything," I knew that's exactly what she was feeling and the sheen of tears in her eyes merely confirmed that. I squeezed her hand reassuringly, "I love you, Katniss. This doesn't change that despite what you may think. I do love you, more than anything. I just want to make sure you're alright. Do you want me to call Johanna for you?"

With a weak nod she gave me a teary smile, "Yeah if you wouldn't mind. It's not that I don't want to be around you it's just … Jo seems to put things in perspective a little more."

I smiled and nodded, "That's fine darling. I'd prefer you had some company whilst I'm at work anyway."

The corner of her lip twitched into a weak smile, "I do love you, Peeta, you know that right?" she murmured gently.

I nodded my head and stroked my hand down the length of her leg, "I'll go and call Johanna then. I'll be right back." A pressed a tender kiss to her forehead and then drifted back into the kitchen and snagged the phone off the hook. Johanna picked up after the third ring and seemed like she was speaking an alien language to me. "Uh … Hi Johanna, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind coming and staying with Katniss for a week?"

She paused for a moment, "_Is something wrong Peeta? What's happened? Are you going off on a trip? That's a little mean when Katniss is carrying your breadcrumbs, right?_"

As much as I wanted to laugh at the breadcrumbs, all it did was feel hollow in my mind. I shook my head, "Um … you see that's the problem, Jo. Katniss … um … she isn't …" my voice latched in my throat, "She's _not_. Not anymore." I choked on my voice and tried to ignore the stinging in my eyes.

She was silent. And then she sighed, "_Oh Peeta I am sorry. I can't believe it. I … What do you need me to bring? Anything?_"

"I think she just needs some female company right now, especially when I need to get back to work in a couple of days. I don't want her to feel like she's on her own."

"_Alright I'll get a train first thing in the morning. I should be there by midday or one o'clock at the latest_."

"Thank you, Jo. I don't know what we'd do without you."

"_You'd be bored, I guess._"

I gave a weak chuckle as we both hung up the phone. Despite everything Johanna's humour would do Katniss some good. For the time being though, all I needed was for her to be comfortable and relaxed until Johanna got here. And then perhaps we could take things one step at a time. Running my hands through my hair I drew in a deep breath and then decided to make some hot chocolate. It was the perfect drink that would calm Katniss down if she felt low.

As soon as the kettle had brewed, I mixed too mugs of chocolate and then carried them into the lounge area where Katniss hadn't moved on the sofa. I placed her mug on the table in front of us and switched on the Network for some mindless background noise. She gave me a weak smile but didn't say anything. I swallowed a mouthful of the piping hot drink and then reclined, her legs curled up against my side. "Johanna said she's going to get a train here first thing in the morning."

She nodded her head and murmured, "That's good."

We watched the Network and sipped at our drinks without saying much to one another. I'd silently taken her feet in my hands and massaged them to try and relieve some of the tension in her muscles. She didn't object or pull away and I was thankful for the small amount of contact with her. I knew she was hurting but I didn't want to say anything that would trigger her off. Knowing what I was like under pressure, it would happen sooner rather than later and I wanted at least one peaceful if silent evening together before we argued.

It was inevitable and I wanted to avoid it just for that one night.

"Peeta?" I turned my head and raised my eyebrows up at her as she stroked her fingertips down my forearm. She gave a weak little smile, "Can we go upstairs?"

"Are you tired?" I asked as I shifted upright, her legs still slung over my lap and my body ready to take her upstairs if she didn't feel up to walking.

She nodded her head and the downcast expression made my heart ache in my tight chest. "Yes please, I just feel so … so …" she trailed off not knowing how to end her sentence. I squeezed her hand.

"I know, darling. I know." And I did know; I knew how indescribable the pain must be. Like the universe had played a cruel joke on the both of us, but especially her. I went through the motions of shutting off the Network and turning most of the lights off as she carried out cold 'hot' chocolate drinks into the kitchen and then waited for me to lead the way up the stairs to the bedroom. I closed the bedroom door as she shuffled in after me. We undressed for bed and then slipped in under the covers, not really saying anything, and not exchanging much else other than a touch of the fingertips and the weak twitch of a smile.

As we settled down in the bed, we didn't crawl closer to one another like we usually did. It hurt my heart and made my stomach knot tightly, but I couldn't force myself to ignore the voice in the back of my head –that sounded suspiciously like my father's –that she needed her space right now.

It was only when a broken sob struck me like a bolt of lightning through the darkness in our room, that I decided she'd have enough space.

I moved over from my side of the bed and crawled over to where she was curled into a ball on the very edge of the mattress, so close that she looked as though she was going to roll off onto the floor. I rested on my side beside her, and pressed myself up against her, winding my arm around her middle and pressed my face into the crook of her neck as her wet cheek pressed against mine. "Hey, hey now," I breathed in her ear as I slowly rocked her body back and forth, "It's alright my love, come on now. We're going to be alright. You're so strong, Katniss. So strong. You're going to pull through this, I know you are."

She turned around to press her face against my neck and I felt her body racked with sobbing as she curled into me. I rested my head against hers, and wove my arm around her shoulders and rolled slightly so that she was lying on my chest. I pulled the warm blankets higher up around both of us and gently rocked her to and fro to try and soothe her. I stroked her hair as she wept against my chest, soaking my shirt through, but I didn't care. As long as she got out her frustration and anger and sadness now, then she would rest better for the rest of the night. I needed to find a way to show her that there's no rush back to normalcy. She needed to take her time with the healing process, even I knew that much. But how was I supposed to do that when I had to be in work first thing in the morning?

I eventually drifted off to sleep, long after Katniss' sobs had quietened down, none the wiser on how I was going to help her to recuperate.

The following morning I set the alarm on Katniss' side of the bed for fifteen minutes after I was to leave, before quickly scribbling a little note for her, propped it up against the block, and then lowered myself onto my good knew and stroked the bedridden strands of hair away from her forehead and pressed a tender kiss to her soft skin. She shifted in her sleep but didn't wake up. Dried salt tracks were still on her cheeks but she could wash those off when she woke up. At the bedroom door I hovered for a moment, watching her sleep, looking the most peaceful she'd been in the last twelve hours of our lives. I gave her a sad little smile, even though she couldn't see it, and quietly closed the door in its frame.

As I walked to work I couldn't help but imagining the alarm clock going off, her irritable look as she shuts if off and snatched the note up, and then seeing her confused frown melt into disbelief with her shy little smile on her lips. Then I could envision her scrambling into the bathroom and finding the little treat I'd left for her. I thought she could relax before Johanna came later that afternoon. I could easily picture Katniss pushing the bathroom door open and seeing the candles flickering in the early morning gloom, a few handfuls of petals scattered everywhere and a filled bathtub filled with warm, soothing scented water and a mountain of bubbles. I knew it was a little cliché but I wanted to show her that I did care and I wanted her to relax and take her time for herself.

I could only hope that she was able to unwind and see that this wasn't her fault and that I didn't blame her. That I still loved her. And that I hoped she could forgive me for wanting and for herself for obliging.

I could hope.

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**A/N: Here's another update. Please don't blame me for the tissues!**


	8. CHAPTER 7 Peeta

Pairing: Peeta x Katniss.

Rating: M

Warning: Mature content. Deals with issues of pregnancy, and other issues that readers may find sensitive.

Update: Tuesday

Disclaimer: After fifteen years of marriage Katniss is counting the minutes for a pregnancy test to show results. She'd always been so careful. She had no idea what the rebellious actions she takes would cause to her marriage. Fighting to survive the hurdles of love and life and a needy little puppy thrown into the mix, Katniss is living in her own brand of hell. Can she manage to fix the damage and fall in love with Peeta again before they both seriously contemplate divorce?

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**Chapter Seven:**

_Peeta_

Having Johanna to come over every other weekend had become a routine for us over the last six or so weeks. Not that I minded, it helped to ease the tension away from me and Katniss. It was difficult since that day at the hospital; she had good days and bad days. It was on a check-up a month later that Dr. Matthews asked us if either of us wanted to talk to a counsellor to get us through such a traumatic event. Katniss had adamantly shaken her head, determined to power through whatever it was on her own. But I'd accepted the chance to talk to someone –_anyone_ –about the hurt I was still nursing in my heart. I knew Katniss was still in extreme pain but she was determined to not speak about it to anyone.

No matter how many times Peeta tried to encourage her to at least sit in one of the sessions with him, she still refused and even threw things at him to get him to shut up and stop talking about it.

I spent a lot of my time in the nursery that I'd painted for our little son or daughter. It felt a shame that no one would get to walk around in there, learn words in there, or even admire the artwork. I felt that I owed it to our unborn child to soak up the colours for them. It didn't make sense, but if I wasn't in that room, keeping it active and as alive as possible, then it would simply just be our old junk room again. Going in there in the dead of night was never a good thing, though, because more often than not I would leave the room with damp eyes and even damper spirits as the doorknob clicked shut behind me.

She didn't cry in front of me anymore and that hurt me more than anything. I wanted to share in her grief and relieve her of the burden on her mind, but she didn't want to share or talk. She wanted to remain closed-off away from almost everything. It was on rare dares now where she would even talk to me. I didn't take those days for granted; I cherished them. However, in the last few weeks they becoming far and few between and it was eating me up inside. Not that any of my counsellor's methods were working either. She was saying I didn't understand Katniss' pain, and true, on some level I wouldn't ever be able to. That didn't mean that I wasn't suffering either. I'd lost both our unborn child and my wife in the process.

We may as well be strangers to one another.

Johanna's visits provided a reprieve from Katniss' silence, for which I was grateful. Even the Sunday night dinners were no longer part of our routine. We had tried for a few weekend two weeks after the hospital appointment, but when Katniss hadn't spoken to her mother, had ignored me and barely spoke two words to my father or Rye, I had reluctantly told them that it was probably best that we ceased with the Sunday night dinners for the time being. They hadn't been too enthusiastic about the idea, but Lavender had understood that her daughter needed space. I'd seen her at the bakery with my father and simply talking, a light in her eyes I hadn't seen before.

I wish Katniss would have that look in her eyes again, even if just for a couple of days. It was there when she came to see Johanna off at the station, accepting the arm-punch with a weak smile but as soon as Johanna disappeared onto the train, her smile fell, her eyes dimmed and she would make sure to keep at least a foot between us when we walked back. I wanted to reach out and take her hand in mind but I knew she would only snatch it away again.

She had been on some pills for just over a month; a mild anti-depressant that her mother had prescribed for her to cope with the loss of her child, since she didn't seem to be making any improvements health-wise or behaviour-wise. She hadn't been eating a lot which had resulted in weight loss and a minor out-break of spots to dot her forehead and cheeks. She looked withdrawn and scowled most of the time. Otherwise she would look blankly off into the distance, chewing down on her lower lip. Johanna was the only one who seemed to be able to get her to react or to talk more openly. I would normally talk to her when I walked her back to the train station when Katniss refused to come with us. When I asked about Katniss she would merely say that they hadn't talked about anything significant. That if Katniss wanted to talk to me about what she was feeling then she would. She didn't say it to be mean, but she did say that she'd tell me if Katniss were to say anything about me then she would tell me. So far, apparently Katniss hadn't really been mentioning me.

I had long since surpassed feeling disappointed. Clearly Katniss didn't want to think about anything too painful, but I was her husband. I'm supposed to be the one to pick her up when she falls down. I couldn't help but feeling almost neglected as I closed the front door behind us and started to walk Johanna back towards the train station on a windy March afternoon. "Do I even want to know that once again she didn't mention me or the hospital or even our … child?" I asked, choking on the final word as it lodged in my throat.

Johanna shook her cropped haircut –something she'd gotten done three days ago –and her dark eyes were downcast. "She just doesn't want to talk about it Peeta. Although I do think that she needs a distraction, like, something to focus her attention on. Something to give all these feelings to, the good and the bad."

"I already told you that she refuses to even think about counselling sessions. What more do you think I can physically do short of shaking words out of her?" I griped stuffing my hands deeper into my pockets. We both knew I was all talk; I wouldn't physically shake Katniss over something like that.

"Have you thought that maybe a different sort of distraction would benefit her more?" she asked as she strode along beside me.

"What did you have in mind?" I asked as we turned into the town square and made for the station.

Johanna shrugged inside her warm coat, "I don't know. Maybe something small for her to care for. Like a dog! Why don't you get her a dog? Then she can have a way to branch out, be forced to care for something other than herself, get her outside once in a while and she could even train it to help her when she goes out hunting."

I frowned as the words clicked in my head and finally seemed to make more sense to me. I bit down on my bottom lip, "Are you sure that would be a good idea? At this rate she wouldn't adopt a beetle let alone a dog."

"So get it as a gift. What happened to showing her you're in this together?" she asked a little briskly as we made a sharp turn in the road and walked along the slightly narrower street to the station.

"She started pushing me away and regressing," I stated in a monotonous tone, "And I didn't know what else to do. I haven't even gone to see my therapist this week because I just don't know what else I can say that she hadn't heard before."

Johanna gave me a shrug as we mounted the concrete steps up to the train station. A memory slashed through my head of staring out as my father and brother waved me off, my mother standing beside them looking stony-faced as always. I swallowed thickly and clenched my fingers into fists in my pockets as I shook the memory away. After looking at the train times, Johanna turned to me and scrutinized me with one of her piercing looks. "Why not call your therapist when you get home and arrange an appointment for tomorrow morning and ask her opinion? She might be able to give some insight as to whether it's a good idea or not. Regardless of what anyone might think, that poor girl was psyching herself up to be a mother … and now she has no baby." She reached out and squeezed my shoulder, the warmth of her palm soaking through to my skin, "I know you've lost someone too, Peeta, but I think she feels like a part of her died at the same time. She needs something separate from you and everything else to focus on."

I nodded my head, knowing deep down how right she was and how useless I felt for not thinking of it first. Her lips quirked into a smile as she punched my arm affectionately, "You'll be alright Peeta, you just need to take small steps this time; no massive leaps for a while, okay?"

"Getting a dog is sort of a massive leap," I stated, my lips smiling wryly of their own accord.

She rolled her eyes, "Alright, well after that then. Small steps. I really think that's the way to go with this. But then what do I know? I've got no one else I love, do I?" she stated with a dry laugh.

I shook my head and squeezed her in a light hug around the shoulders, "You have us, now. And Rye, to some extent. We're your own, disjointed little family."

She gave me a soft smile as her train pulled into the station. The whistle blew and the doors hushed softly as they opened. She grinned and waved as she boarded the train and they sucked closed behind her. I waited in the brisk air and waved as she was pulled away and out of our lives for another two weeks. As I watched the train chug away around a bend in the tracks and disappear from view, I waited on the platform with my mind reeling with all the information running through my mind. Had Katniss expressed an interested in a pet? Or had that merely been an idea from Johanna? I bit on my lip as I turned away from the station, descended the steps back down to the road and then made my way in the direction of the Seam.

Lavender greeted me with a surprised expression on her face as she swung her front door open and let me walk into her home. I couldn't deny that we rarely ever came out to the Seam, having so many bad memories clinging to this part of town for Katniss, even though now the Seam had been completely remodelled and even though the majority of people who lived there were still poor, there weren't dead dogs or goats rotting in the gutters or puddles of excrement flooding the roadside. It was like I was viewing the place through two different sets of eyes whenever I ventured that way; one pair of eyes would see people stripping bark with their few teeth just to have something to eat, their mangy cats crunching thin mice bones between their sharp teeth, and the other pair of eyes sees the small, bricked houses with proper roofs and basic appliances inside that meant no one had to go cold during the winter or want for hot water or food.

"Peeta, I wasn't expecting you here," Lavender smiled sweetly as she followed me through into her living room, closing the front door against the cool wind.

I shrugged an awkward shoulder as I stepped out of my coat. Her place was really warm with the small fire in the iron stove spluttering as it burned the kindling. "I just got an idea from Johanna and I was wondering if I could run it by you and see if you think it's a good step forward for Katniss and me."

She blinked in surprise but smiled softly, "Well come through into the kitchen. Your father is here. He might be able to shed some light on the matter as well."

I wanted to say I was surprised to see my father sat at the small round table in the kitchen, sipping tea and eating biscuits, but I couldn't find the emotion within me. It had become routine for him these last few months. Anytime when my mother would grate on his nerves, which was becoming more and more frequent, he would seek out Lavender for solace. I had no doubt that she slipped him some calming herbs in his tea whenever he was over, because he always returned home as though he had a new outlook on life. "Hi Dad," I smiled softly as I took the spare seat at the table and Lavender bustled over with a tea cup and saucer, before she poured me a cup of her Heavenly smelling tea.

"Good afternoon Peeta," he smiled broadly at me, "What's got you out and about at this time of day?"

"I was taking Johanna back to the train station," I stated as I dipped a biscuit into the tea, "She mentioned something that I wanted to run by Lavender and since you're here too, I'd really like both of your opinions."

"Well what's this idea then?"

I fidgeted in my seat slightly, suddenly feeling very awkward for some reason. I knotted my fingers over and over before clearing my throat, "Johanna says that since Katniss refuses the conventional forms of therapy, maybe there was something I could do to help draw her out of her shell a little." I took a deep breath, wondering why I felt as though I were on trial all of a sudden, "She said that maybe getting a dog would help get through to her."

Their silence alarmed me into thinking that Johanna had been playing a trick on me to see if I would buy it. My palms started to sweat and a hot flush crept up the back of my neck. I didn't look up at them as I was sure they were judging me from behind their teacups.

"Well that's actually not such a bad idea," Lavender murmured more to herself than to anyone else.

"Do you really think so?" I found myself asking, feeling perplexed that something as simple as I dog might be able to help to get my wife back to me. I let out a groan and dropped my head into my hands, "Where in all of Panem am I supposed to find a dog on such short notice?"

Lavender patted my arm, "Don't worry about that, Peeta, there are plenty of dogs in the Seam that have pups every year. In fact, I know a man a few houses down whose dog has just had a small litter. Would you like me to ask about one for you? I'm sure he wouldn't mind having one less mouth to feed."

I blinked in surprise and felt my mouth opening and closing of its own accord. "I … uh … I was going to talk to my therapist about it."

My dad snorted into his tea and gave me a look, raising his eyebrow, "Peeta do you really want to become one of those people who always starts their sentences with 'My therapist says …' do you?"

"My therapist said that's a common fear," I stated with a blank expression as I looked up at him. I was only able to hold the look for about three seconds before his face cracked into a grin and he laughed for the first time I'd heard him in the last two months. It was a warming sound that took me back to all the good memories of my childhood. I smiled at them both as the tension finally ebbed away from my bones and I ran a hand through my hair, "I just think I need at least a day to get my head around it, though, don't I?" I asked them.

Lavender, to my surprise, shook her head, "If you think that this is the way forward, I'd advise you to go for it now before you overthink everything and decide it's not worth your time or effort."

I hummed in response. I knew she was right, but getting a pet was a huge transition. We hadn't discussed it before Katniss had gotten pregnant because having one another had seemed like enough at the time, at least it had done for her. Was Johanna right? Perhaps she was; perhaps Katniss and I really did need something to share our attention on and get rid of some of the tension between us. Maybe getting a dog would help to build the bridges between us again and help us bond a little. I drank more of my tea, grateful for how soothing it was as it settled in my stomach. "Alright, would I be able to stop by tomorrow afternoon to see the puppy?" I asked with a smile.

Lavender nodded, "Of course. I think he has three left. You know what children are like with puppies, they all want to have one. Although more people came out here than I had expected so we'd best be quick about it otherwise we may not get another litter around here for another few months."

I grimaced at the thought of another few months in the tangible silence that seemed to inhabit our house day after day. The bakery and Johanna seemed to be my only two breaks from the silences Katniss was enforcing upon herself and by extension me. I let out a soft sigh and decided that I would get to the Seam as soon as possible the following day. It would keep me out of the house once my shift at the bakery was over at lunchtime. My dad seemed to catch onto what I was thinking and he reached out to clap a hand on my shoulder, "I know it's hard right now, Peeta, but don't worry. You'll get through this. You're both really strong willed. By this time next year you'll be loving that dog like nothing you've ever loved before."

I gave him a tight little smile and dropped my gaze to my now empty cup. On some level I did hope that he was right, but on another level I could never replace Katniss with a dog. Was it immoral to get her one when I knew she would jump the gun and think that I was trying to replace our unborn child for an unwanted puppy? My throat suddenly felt tight again. "Do you … think that I should talk to Katniss about this or just let it be a surprise? Honestly, I just think that she's going to take it the wrong way no matter which way I go about it."

Lavender nodded, "She's going to take it the wrong way, Peeta, if I know my daughter at all, I know that much about her." She reached out and touched her hand to mine and gave a motherly squeeze. It felt so alien; I wasn't used to such maternal instincts. "But you just need to persevere with it otherwise she won't recover from this at all. You need to keep going on and on until you break through her walls. I can't do it for you, and I honestly think you're the only one who will be able to. Even Johanna hasn't been able to do much for her. She's just company, a strong woman for her to look up to and who she trusts." Those words hit me hard and I know it showed in my face when I looked up at Lavender. She seemed to think that Johanna was everything she couldn't be for Katniss. In a way, I suppose she was right. She gave me a sad little smile, her water blue eyes gleaming, "I know I wasn't there for her when she needed me. But right now, she needs you, Peeta. Help her now otherwise you could lose her forever."

I felt my stomach knot and cramp together at her words. My hands were suddenly cold and threatened to start trembling on the table top. I cleared my throat and peeked up at the clock on the wall, "Well I think I should be getting home. I'll stop my tomorrow around midday, is that alright, Lavender?" I asked softly. She nodded her head with a smile as I stood up from her table and shuffled into my coat, "I'll see you both later!" I called out before I shut the front door firmly into place and dropped down the two steps to the main flat road and started making my way back towards town.

~0~

The following morning I felt as though I hadn't slept properly and all of that sleeplessness was only just starting to affect my brain and rational thinking as I moved through customers' orders and wrapping deliveries for Rye to deliver later that evening. I'd gotten a lot more done than I'd planned and when it was quiet, Rye closed up for lunch half an hour earlier, pushed me down into a chair and slid a cup of coffee across the table at me before flicking my ear. "Wake up there, Peeta, you were about to fall asleep in that old woman's pie earlier. What's wrong with you?"

I blinked and rubbed at my eyes before resting my head in my propped up hands, "I feel so exhausted. I didn't sleep a wink last night and I have no idea why."

Rye grinned over at me, "Finally getting some then?" he asked with a light chuckle.

I threw him a glare, "You're so funny, aren't you?" I sneered, but my heart wasn't in it. I felt hollow and even blinking seemed to drain most of the energy out of me. "Uh I feel awful today. And on top of this, now I have to go to the Seam and check out these yapping puppies."

"So you're really going to go through with it and get on of those little poop-machines?" he asked, wrinkling his nose at me.

I nodded my head, "I honestly don't see any other way forward with Katniss. She refuses to talk to me point blank. I'm seriously considering just taking a time-out and going to stay over at Haymitch's place or something. I cannot stand all the silence from her. I might as well be living alone at this rate."

"Woah is it really that bad?" Rye asked as he crunched into a cookie. I nodded my head glumly and sipped at my coffee. "I mean I know you mentioned it but I honestly didn't realise you were getting to the point where, you know, you wanted to move out."

I shrugged my shoulders, "I don't know anymore, Rye, that's the problem. I want to love her and I want to carry on with this marriage and if we have to get a dog for her to so much as yell at me, then so be it. I'm not giving any of this up without a fight, but I'm not sure how much energy I have to keep on with the fighting to make so much as basic conversation." I watched Rye grimace around his mouthful of cookie. "I know it's hardly ideal."

Rye gave a heavy sigh, "Well if you think a dog is the easiest way to go, then good luck to you. Just remember if she doesn't like it, you're going to have to take it for walks at least twice a day."

I shrugged. I'd already considered that the night before. "That's fine; it'll give me another reason to get out of the house."

"Aren't you worried that she's going to feel abandoned?"

I pinched the bridge of my nose, "I _did_ during the first month, but now it's getting ridiculous. She won't even talk to me to ask me to pass the milk for God's sake. I can only take so much of the silence and the glaring and the ignorance before I snap. Staying outside and keeping myself busy is better than going crazy in that house."

"Hence why I am going to go with Lavender to look at those puppies; this way it'll keep me motivated to stay in the house and maybe it'll get her to talk to me … or yell at me. At this point, I'd take either." I knew how pathetic I sounded, even to my own ears, but I couldn't deny that having Katniss up in my face, yelling and hissing and spitting profanities would make a pleasant change from the cold-shoulder treatment. I shivered weakly as I glanced at the clock and felt my stomach jolt. "Well I'd best be getting on and see if these puppies are going to do the trick. If not I don't know what to do."

Rye gave me a sympathetic smile, something that looked so alien on his features, and clapped a hand on my back as we stood up from the table and I bundled myself into my coat and scarf. "You'll be alright, Peet," he stated with a soft smile, "Hey, how about next time Johanna is over, the four of us can go out for dinner? Maybe a change of scenery will do you both some good, yeah?"

I quirked an eyebrow at his generous offer and then frowned, "Are you paying?" I asked with a grin.

He nodded, "Sure thing, why not? You're my little brother and she's my little sister. I just want you to be happy."

At the door I turned around and fixed him with a firm stare, our eyes locked together. "We just want you to be happy, too, you know?" I stated, referring to myself and Dad.

Rye looked at me for a moment and then nodded his head. "I know that, Peeta. I want that too."

I left him framed in the door way, the 'CLOSED' sign still facing outward. I turned my attention to the street beneath my feet as I made my way towards the Seam. As I was walking up the road towards Lavender's house I spotted someone waving at me from a few houses down. Frowning I looked up and saw that it as Lavender, on the porch with a rotund elderly man with a shock of white hair and a wiry beard. I veered right and made my way along the man's garden path, not paying attention to the chicken-wire fences that surrounding his back-garden.

"So you must be young Peeta?" the old man grinned toothily at me as he stuck his hand out for me to shake. I shook his hand and smiled as he and Lavender led me inside to his small, neat home. His place was bright and warm thanks to the small fire in the stove. I took off my jacket and as I settled down I heard the soft yipping of what I could only assume were the few puppies left. I waited in a small armchair as Lavender brewed some tea in the kitchen and the old man sliced up some bread and jam. As soon as we were all sat down on the sofa and munching away on the bread and sipping the tea, I felt a lot more relaxed. "So, Peeta, I hear you're interested in one of my little puppies? I only have three left. What are you interested in, girl or a boy?"

I nodded, "Yes I would like one, but I don't know which would be easier to bring up. Which would you recommend?"

"Well I have one girl and two boys' left. The girl is $300 and the boys are originally $250."

"Well that makes it easier for me," I stated with a laugh, glad that he seemed so merry and how Lavender seemed to brighten up. "I'll take one of the little boy pups then, if you don't mind," I smiled, grateful that I had more than enough money to get me through the entire day.

"That's great then. When we're finished with our tea I'll take you our back to the yard and show them to you and you can choose, how does that sound?" he smiled at me through his thick beard. I couldn't help but grin back at him, a weight lifting from my shoulders as the pieces were starting to fall into place. Tonight I would be going home with a happy little puppy for Katniss. I just hoped that she didn't think ill of me for going ahead and doing something without asking her. The old man –Bernard I think his name was –clapped his hands on his knees, "Alright, let's go and see those puppies."

We were lead outside to a small fenced in area in the conservatory –it was only about two foot long –where three little puppies yapped and dove about on one another and played with the small stuffed animals dotted around. I stared at them, fascinated by the strange coloured markings on one of them, and the bright blue eyes of another as they jumped around and chased a small tinkling ball. They were all extremely cute; I didn't know how I was realistically supposed to choose one to take with me. "How old are they?" I asked over my shoulder.

"They're almost seven weeks now. A lot of the kids on Merchant Row came to have a look two weeks ago and only just came by last weekend to pick them up. They're only just old enough to leave their mother, you see." I glanced over my shoulder to see him patting the flanks of a female dog lying lazily in a patch of weak sunlight pouring in through the window. I went back to observing the puppies and couldn't help but grin as one toddled over on its little legs and nudged at me foot before yipping and trying to attack my boot laces with his paws. I bent down and scooped the little pup up into my lap and laughed as he nipped at my fingers, its jaws hanging open in what looked like a comical puppy-grin. "That one's a little rascal," Bernard smiled over my shoulder as he scratched the puppy behind the ears. "Likes to jump about and make a nuisance of himself. Loves shoe-laces as you can see."

"He's sweet," I said as I rubbed my hand over the puppy's belly, his tail wagging energetically from side-to-side. "What breed is he? I haven't seen this type before."

"I'm not entirely sure. My own dog is what's normally known as a malamute, and as you can see she's got a thick, full coat on her. I'm not sure what breed the other dog was. I doubt a wolf could have gotten in here without doing much damage other than getting her pregnant. Either way, they look more like her. The father could be a wolf, or a husky or a German Shepherd for all I know."

"Well he's cute no matter what he is," I grinned as I stood up and carried the wriggling pup with me, "Where in town would I be able to buy the things I need for him? I don't want him to go hungry and I've never owned a dog before."

"Well that's alright, kid," Bernard smiled at me, "I've got a puppy sized bag of food and his little dish for you to take with you. It'll last you a good couple of days and then you can go to the store yourself."

"Really?" I asked amazed as Lavender bent down to stroke the other two puppies was having a tug-of-war with a chew-toy. "Wow that would be great! Let me pay you for those as well, it's only fair."

Now it was Bernard's turn to be surprised, "Oh er … well don't worry about the money. I'm managing well enough on the money I'm getting for the pups –"

I cut him off with a grin, "Please, let me pay. For all I know this little guy is going to change my life for the better." The pup started to lick my cheek and I couldn't help but laugh merrily along with Lavender and Bernard. I felt a lot happier all of a sudden as I struggled to keep a hold of the wriggling puppy in my arms.

"So what are you going to name him?" Lavender asked as Bernard went away to the kitchen to get the additional items for the puppy. I turned to look at her in the afternoon light and suddenly felt my stomach drop into my shoes.

"I … er … hadn't thought that far ahead actually," I admitted feeling clumsy.

She gave me a soft smile and then tickled the puppy's chin, "Don't worry you'll be fine," she said gently as the puppy pawed at her hands, "Just make sure, that when you choose a name, you'll use it all the time when addressing him or training him. That way he'll learn to answer to it."

"Do you think that Katniss would be happy to see this little guy padding around?" I asked as I rubbed the puppy's belly.

Lavender nodded, her eyes shimmering a little in a saddened manner, "I certainly hope so. I don't like the fact that you two have been fighting all this time. Or her ignoring you and you getting upset or angry about it," she amended as an after-thought.

"I don't like it either," I murmured as I rested my cheek against the puppy's as he settled down against my chest. "I just hope that I'm able to build a bridge to her before she goes as far as to live in separate houses or at the very least ask me for a divorce."

I wanted to hear that Katniss wouldn't do that. I craved the sweet denial from the ever-absent mother. It never came and the reality settled down heavily on my heart. The puppy seemed to be my only source of warmth and comfort in that moment as my body ran cold. Lavender breathed out a sigh as she let her hand drop away from the furry warmth of the puppy, "I certainly hope so too."

As I left Bernard's house with the little puppy bounding along beside me on the borrowed lead, I couldn't help but feel apprehensive the closer I got to home. I had been hoping that Katniss was getting better and I knew bringing a puppy home would challenge whatever progress she'd been making, but a challenge was something she normally refused to turn down. I felt as though I was praying for a miracle as the Victor's Village loomed into sight. I paused at the mouth of the road leading into the village and sighed, "Definitely need a miracle," before striding along the cold pavement towards our house.

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**A/N: Well there you go with another little update. I hope you guys like this and review. Don't worry there will be some more from Katniss' POV as well.**


	9. CHAPTER 8 Katniss

Pairing: Peeta x Katniss.

Rating: M

Warning: Mature content. Deals with issues of pregnancy, and other issues that readers may find sensitive.

Update: Tuesday

Disclaimer: After fifteen years of marriage Katniss is counting the minutes for a pregnancy test to show results. She'd always been so careful. She had no idea what the rebellious actions she takes would cause to her marriage. Fighting to survive the hurdles of love and life and a needy little puppy thrown into the mix, Katniss is living in her own brand of hell. Can she manage to fix the damage and fall in love with Peeta again before they both seriously contemplate divorce?

* * *

**Chapter Eight**

_Katniss_

I found myself in the nursery again.

I knew I shouldn't really allow myself to go in there, but it seems to have an energy that pulls me in through its darkened doorway. It's like stepping through into the unknown, even though the hollowness inside me echoes with the baby cries I'll never get to hear.

I caught myself staring out at the back garden and frowned for a moment, wondering how I had gotten there from the kitchen, a cooling mug of tea in my hands, a small orb of condensation appearing on the windowpane. I never came into the room when Peeta was home. I think if he caught me in there it would make him think I was looking for pain, or answers to the pain. Either way he'd be wrong, and I wouldn't be hurting or benefitting from being in there. I couldn't deny that I was drawn to the room despite not knowing why. Perhaps my body had forgotten that I was no longer carrying the potential occupant of that room? Though it did seem a shame to waste Peeta's good talents by keeping them locked up in here forever with no one glancing in on them.

I knew Peeta went in there during the nights when he thought I was asleep.

Some nights I would be asleep and other nights he would make so much noise clomping around on the landing that he'd wake me up. The emptiness of his bed for more than ten minutes meant he was in the nursery again, trying to fill it with some life. I don't know why he did it though, because it didn't seem like it was doing him any good to be in there. I know it didn't do _me_ any good. I didn't even tell Johanna that I went in there sometimes. It was something just for me to have all to myself.

A weight settled over me and I knew it was because I was thinking about how awful I'd been to Peeta recently. I don't think it bothered him, or anyone else, at first because of what I'd been through. However, slowly but surely I saw the cracks between us begin to appear; the tender touches dwindled down to once a day, if that, almost as though he was skittish around me all of a sudden. The dropped kisses on my forehead had dropped out of our relationship altogether. It made me feel both hurt and angry that he'd stopped doing those things, but I couldn't deny that I was to blame as frustrating as it was to admit, even in my own head. I missed the way he hugged me, touched me, pressed kisses to my skin in the dead of night when he thought I was asleep and he simply wanted to touch me.

I sighed heavily as I watched the sky darken a fraction on the horizon. Peeta would be home soon and I'd have to leave the nursery again. I raked my hair away from my face and my shoulders slumped in resignation as I turned away from the window, drained my mug and made for the door. It clicked shut behind me and I trailed back down into the lounge and curled up on the sofa and turned the Network on to drown out the silence of the house. As I stared blankly at the romantic comedy rubbish, I couldn't help but feel my chest ache at the thought that Peeta and I hadn't had any intimate moments between us since … that day. It was like we didn't know how to talk to each other anymore. That thought alone scared me, as I'd expected Peeta to be the only person I could turn to in the wake of a crisis.

Now it seemed as though the only person I had to talk to was Johanna, and I didn't even tell her _everything_. I sighed as I tugged the blanket over my lap. Perhaps I should start being a little nicer to Peeta? After-all he'd stuck by me through all of this and I hadn't even been showing him how grateful I was Heck, I hadn't even been speaking to him all that much recently. None of this was my fault, deep down I knew that. Then why was it so hard for me to let him back into my life as my husband and my lover, instead of just someone I share a house with? Letting out a frustrated sigh I threw my head against the back of the sofa, knocking it and wincing as the pain bloomed at the base of my skull. I needed to get better. I needed to push past this. I wanted to be there for Peeta as much as he'd been there for me. I knew he was suffering too and up until now I was making him suffer through it alone.

His dad and Rye were hardly experts on this matter.

I needed to push past the barriers that had seemed to grow between us over night. It shouldn't be _this_ hard to talk to your husband. I ground my teeth together and curled my legs underneath myself. I knew I wasn't well; I'd forced myself to go hunting four times a week and very rarely ate on those days. I very rarely ate point blank and I could tell that it was beginning to show. It was like my body was the epitome of misery and famine, my body wasting away around my skeleton. Maybe that was why Peeta felt strange trying to talk to me. Perhaps he didn't think of me as 'Katniss' anymore? It wouldn't surprise me.

Frowning as the Network blared through the late afternoon gloom, I clicked my tongue as I forced myself to make a decision. Whether I liked it yet or not, I needed to make more of an effort with Peeta. It would be hard at first but that was merely a hurdle I needed to jump over. I _needed_ to; otherwise I could lose what little we had left with one another. All of this was easier said than done. I'd made myself trudge along this line of thought for the last two weeks and as yet nothing had come of it. Every time I went to even speak his name my voice got lodged in my throat and we'd stand there, facing one another across the kitchen, my mouth hanging open for a few moments whilst the awkwardness grew and bloomed like a poisonous weed between us, before I snapped my mouth shut, turned away from him and retreated to our bedroom.

I dropped my head into my hands and let out a heavy sigh. It needed to be tonight. I needed to make progress with Peeta. I couldn't lose both our child and him as well. I knew I wouldn't survive if that was the case.

I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up on end as the sound of approaching footsteps drew closer to the front door. I turned my head and decided that I needed to make the effort, even if my body did protest every movement I made towards the door. He needed to know that I still cared. Wrapping my cardigan around myself, I forced myself away from the sofa and trailed into the hallway just as his key turned in the lock and the door swung inwards. I winced as the biting wind snaked around my ankles. I felt my muscles tense up. As soon as his eyes landed on me, I watched surprise and then wariness flash through them. Despite the ache in my chest I couldn't fault him for his reaction. I'd been pulling away from him and we both knew it. I forced my mouth into what I hoped was a smile, "Hi."

He stilled looked a little shocked as he closed the front door behind him, cutting off the draught around my ankles. I sighed with relief and took a small step closer towards him. He licked his lips nervously, "H-hey. I didn't think you'd still be awake."

I wanted to argue at him for being ridiculous, but forced myself to remain calm. I had been going to bed earlier and earlier lately. Of course he'd notice we were the only two people in the house after all. "I w-wasn't really tired," I stated with a weak shrug of my shoulder.

He nodded his head as though he understood how I felt. I hugged my arms tighter around my stomach. He was standing rather awkwardly. I frowned and tried to crane my neck to see what he was trying to hide from me. I felt anger spike through me and clenched my jaw tightly. "What do you have there?" I asked, my voice sounding harsher than I'd intended. It even made me wince.

I heard him sigh and then turn around completely to face me. My eyes widened in surprise at the furry little face staring around at our house from the safety of Peeta's elbow. I felt my mouth opening and close without making a sound. Had he found the puppy on the way home? Did he want us to look after it whilst he asked around for the owner? I cleared my throat, "W-where did you find him?" I asked as I edged a little closer, it's little black eyes gleaming in the light from the kitchen.

"That's the thing," there was a wavering edge to Peeta's voice as he adjusted his grip on the little ball of fuzz in his arms; "I didn't find him, exactly. I sort of … bought him."

The words rang in my ears. I blinked and shook my head to clear the blankness that exploded behind my eyelids. Once again words seemed to escape me and my muscles were rigid. "You bought him?" I asked, trying to make sense of the words. Peeta had bought a puppy? Why? Were our own problems not enough, now we had to add a little pooping ball of fuzz and teeth to the mix? I cleared my throat, "Why?"

He looked at me with a steady expression on his face. He was being so patient with me and it made the air crackle between us. He eased himself away from the front door and into the light; the puppy yipped and squirmed in his arms. I watched it with shrewd eyes and I could feel Peeta watching me for my reaction. That was just the problem; I didn't know how to react. He had brought a puppy into our house, just when I thought I was going to build a bridge between us. Why would he do such a thing? Why would he force another life in our house to take care of? Oh … My eyes opened a little wider as they flickered up to look at Peeta.I clenched my jaw a little tighter. "You can't replace our child with a filthy little mutt, Peeta!" I spat out, my words cutting deep through him. I could almost pinpoint the moment all hope died inside him.

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "That's not what I'm trying to do, Katniss, and deep down you know that. I just thought that we could both use a distraction."

I scoffed at him as I went to look around the kitchen –at anything to keep my eyes away from him. If I looked at him I'd just get even angrier. I clenched my fingers into fists and could almost pierce the skin with how hard I was clutching them. "I don't want to forget about it, Peeta!" I snapped over at him, "I was actually thinking today that I needed to talk to you, to show you that I do appreciate everything you've been doing for me!" I whirled around to catch the shock in his face, "And then you turn around and do this!" I snapped, feeling even angrier as I let my burning gaze drop down to the innocent little face of whiskers staring at me.

"What's so wrong with a puppy?" Peeta snapped at me, taking me by surprise. I flinched at his tone.

"I don't want it in the house. We don't need another mouth to worry about!"

He challenged me with a glare, "That's a pretty pathetic argument all things considered," he countered in a measured tone. The words still stung though. "You didn't want a child with me before two months ago either, and look how that turned out," I flinched and turned away from him, my arms squeezing my torso so tightly that it hurt to breathe. My eyes felt hot but I didn't feel any tears coming out. He softened his tone, "I know you're hurt, Katniss. I'm hurting too. And I'm sick and tired of tiptoeing around the issue with you." He sounded closer, like he was standing right behind me. "Look, I'm not saying this puppy is going to replace our baby, because nothing can ever do that. It's not even a close second. But right now I think we need something we can both care for, something to focus our energy on. If we do that then maybe we can push past this. I feel like you're a million miles away from you." I peeked over my shoulder at him and our eyes locked onto one another for the first time. When had I stopped noticing the bags under his eyes? Or the weight loss around his cheeks? When had I stopped noticing that Peeta was human as well as my husband? I let out a shaking sigh. "I want you back, Katniss. Maybe this wasn't the right way to go about it, but it's so quiet in this house these days I thought something to focus our energy on would be good. Bring us closer together."

My eyes fell away from his face and landed on the puppy wriggling to jump out of his arms. Would it be so bad to have something hanging around all day to look after? To make sure it could toddle around wherever I went or it needed to go? Was it a boy or a girl? I couldn't help but wonder as I reached out to stroke a line down the little snout and froze.

Boy or girl?

I didn't even know what _our_ child had been, so why should I care what this puppy was? I snatched my hand away and glared down at both the puppy and Peeta. "Get that out of the house," I hissed under my breath before turning on my heel and hurrying up the stairs. Bile rose in my throat as I stumbled into the bathroom and vomited into the toilet bowl. I shuddered violently as my stomach emptied itself.

Why did he have to bring the stupid puppy home? What good was it going to do? Tonight was meant to be a reunion for the both of us, or at the very least the start to building a bridge back towards one another, and now that was all gone thanks to the stupid little puppy.

I cried myself to sleep that night; the distant sounds of Peeta moving around downstairs followed me into the darkness.

~0~

Two weeks later and I had to accept the fact that the puppy wasn't going anywhere no matter the arguments I picked with Peeta about it. _Him_. It was a boy, according to Peeta. Not that I cared about any of that. What I cared about was why my husband was spending more time potty-training the animal instead of trying to work things out with me. Almost every word out of his mouth now revolved around what the puppy was doing and how big it was now growing and how adorable it was.

I loathed admitting to anything positive in regards to the animal. I knew it was stupid to be jealous of a puppy but I couldn't help it. Not when it took all of Peeta's attention away from me.

"It's sort of cute," Johanna nudged my shoulder as we walked to and from the shops on Merchants Row. I huffed as we moved along, our shoulders bumping against one another's. "Oh stop being so sour, Katniss. He may have not said the right things but his heart was in the right place, wasn't it?"

I shrugged again feeling incredibly sour. "I don't care where his heart was or not. He should have spoken to me beforehand and we should have made the decision together."

"Would you have even spoken to him?" she chided snidely as we ducked out of another shop and into the crisp March air.

I nodded, "Of course I would have. It's so annoying! Now all I seem to do all day is trip of that yappy little thing as it runs around chasing balls and shaking a stuffed toy to death."

Johanna chuckled as she punched my arm lightly, "If I were you, I'd just accept it and learn to love the little thing. He really is quite cute and if I had any dogs around my area giving birth, I'd take a pup in a heartbeat. It gets so lonely the week between visits and I get so bored up there on my own."

"Take Peeta's puppy," I stated coldly as we marched along the road and turned into the Town Square. "God knows I don't want it and he's hardly there at all to take care of it except to take it for a morning walk."

"Do you take it for the afternoon one then?" she asked with a smirk.

I shook my head, "Don't be stupid. I don't want anything to do with that animal." Johanna sighed as the train station came into view. I felt my stomach knot. "I wish you didn't have to go so soon."

"Oh stop whining brainless. I'll be back in two weeks, okay?" she grinned and lightly jabbed my arm before hurrying to board her train. I watched as it pulled out of sight around the bend in the rails, before turning on my heels and marching back to the Victor's Village.

I knew that I was being childish. I couldn't help any of it though. I wish I could get the jealous out of my system but it was difficult especially when the puppy would chase after my robe-tie if it was undone and I was hurrying up the stairs. I liked going up the stairs because the puppy still had some trouble climbing up them. It hurt a lot worse when Peeta was home, though, because he would spend a lot of time coddling the puppy; he'd feed it scraps of raisin bread from a fresh loaf, he'd tickle its chin until it tried to jump up on his hands and climb up his arm. It would follow Peeta around lovingly and bump its head against Peeta's ankles.

Now I had to go home and have the thing yapping away at me begging for attention. Attention that should be given to Peeta, but no, he needed to be working. With a heavy sigh I stuffed my hands down into my fur-lined pockets and mounted the steps to the front door. Forcing my key into the lock I slithered inside and slammed the door shut, the sound echoing around the vast emptiness that I should have been used to by now. I ran a hand down my face and sighed heavily. It was like I was fighting a never-ending battle and there was no way I was going to win. So why did I keep fighting?

_Peeta._

He was the reason I kept going. He was the reason I kept fighting to find a way back to him, to us, to what we were before I made this mess that we were in. I sighed and sank down onto the floor, my back pressing against the hard wood of the front door. Maybe he really _was_ better off without me? I shivered weakly as the cold crept in underneath the door and tickled at my skin, raising the goosebumps all over my body and making a cold weight settle in my stomach.

That's when I heard it; the yip, yip, yipping of the puppy as it came bounding out from the lounge and skidded to a stop at my feet, before raising itself on its hind legs and placing its front paws beneath my knees, it panted brightly at me, his jaw open in what would have been a comical grin. Raising my leg I slowly toed the animal away from me. "Just stay away from me you little mutt," I sneered under my breath before forcing myself up onto my feet and dragging my scarf from around my neck and unfastening my coat and hanging it on the rack behind the door. I just needed to crawl into bed and stay hidden in the darkness. I didn't even want to delude myself into thinking that I'd come out when Peeta came home. I just didn't have the energy any longer. "Maybe I need to get away from here. A change of scenery, a little break away from Twelve and Peeta and that little mutt."

The yipping grew louder as I wondered around the kitchen making myself a cup of hot chocolate to take to bed with me. I threw a glare down at the puppy and noticed that there was a small puddle in the corner of the kitchen. I sneered at it and ripped off a few sheets of tissue before dropping it over the puddle and stepping down onto it. "You're such a nuisance!" I yelled down at the puppy and watched as it flinched and whimpered, cocking its head to one side, confused as to why I was shouting. Didn't it realise he'd been bad? I tossed the soaked tissues into the bin and then rounded on the puppy, hands on my hips and a snarl on my face, "Why can't you just wait until Peeta comes home, eh? He'll be back soon! Why do you have to be so incompetent?" If only I could have heard myself in that moment. I sounded so stupid ridiculing a dog for pissing in the kitchen when he was far too young to even understand anything. I shook my head and mixed my drink before setting it down and rounding on the puppy, "You want to piss all over the floor then?" I jeered through clenched teeth as I ripped open the newspaper and snatched the staples out. I splayed the sheets until every inch of the wooden floorboards were covered in the kitchen, "GO AHEAD!"

Without another thought I snatched my drink off of the kitchen table and hurried up the stairs to our bedroom. It was dark and I didn't bother flicking on the light switches. I carried my drink and placed it beside me on the bedside table and started to undress for bed. I glanced at the clock and saw that it was already six o'clock in the evening. Peeta hadn't been that late home before. Perhaps Rye had gotten talking to him again. When they both got into a conversation it was hard to get them to shut up and leave one another.

Despite the coolness of the air I didn't feel the urge to slip into my pyjamas. I wanted to remain as cold as possible. It would shock me when Peeta slipped into bed beside me later that night. I wanted to wake up and feel his heat beside me, pressing up against me and feeling his hot breath down my neck. I left the curtains open so that I could have a view of the street and the garden and sipped at my hot chocolate letting the warmth flood my stomach and set me on fire from the inside out. I leaned my head back against the headrest and watched as the stars twinkles in and out of the wispy grey clouds that surfed across the inky blue sky. I played with the end of my braid and inhaled deeply missing Peeta so much and not understanding why I didn't seem able to tell him that.

Why was it so hard? He was my husband. I loved him with everything I was worth.

I curled my knees up to my chest and continued to sip at my drink. It was only then that my rampart thoughts were disturbed by a faint scratching at my bedroom door. At first I thought I was just imagining it so I simply shook the thought away, deciding that lack of sleep was finally getting to me. Alas, no, there it was again, that infernal scratching keeping me from finding the solitude I always sought out in the darkness. Finally, it was getting too much for me. My head was throbbing and all I wanted was some peace and quiet. Was that really too much for me to ask?

With a snarl of agitation I tossed the blankets away from me and swung my legs over the edge of the bed, clawed on a cardigan to shield myself from the onslaught of different air on the other side of that bedroom door. I wrenched the door open and glared down at the little white and grey puppy hopping about from paw-to-paw as it looked up and me, yipped in delight and bounced up and down as though simply looking at it was feeding its obsessive need for attention.

That's when I felt something inside me snap.

"Why did you have to come along? Things were going to get so much better before you came along!" I snapped out, bitterness creeping through me and poisoning my mind a heavy black mess. "I was going to open myself up to him, show him that I still loved him but no. You just had to come along and ruin it all, didn't you, you stupid animal! All I wanted was to have Peeta all to myself after what we've been through." I could feel tears running down my cheeks and burning in my eyes. My throat felt hot and tight and it was uncomfortable to breathe. My hands quivered as I clenched the door and the frame in my fists.

The puppy yipped, its bright pink tongue lulling out the side of its mouth.

I couldn't handle it; I should have been curled up in bed in Peeta's arms and both of our hands caressing my stomach. We were meant to be feeling our little girl or boy growing inside of me, moving around and growing bigger every day. Instead I was stuck at home in the dark and all on my own; yelling down at an innocent little puppy that probably didn't know the different between night and day yet.

I dropped my gaze down to my feet and felt frozen through. I shivered and wiped roughly at my eyes as strangled sobs choked out of my throat and I leaned over against the door, muffling my cried with my hand over my mouth. "I … I … I'm selfish!" I rasped out as I wept into my hands and cuffed at my running nose. There. I'd said it. I was a selfish horrible human being and Peeta shouldn't have to put up with someone as spoiled as me day in and day out.

I drew in deep shaking breaths. I needed to get out but I couldn't move. I was routed to the spot. I was frozen stiff against the doorframe, the empty house groaning in the silence and forcing its oppression down on top of me made me feel even worse. I may as well have been a hollowed out pumpkin. There was nothing inside me.

I was just … empty.

The puppy yipped brightly once again trying to get my attention.

I glared down at it, motion suddenly coming to my muscles as I straightened myself up and sneered down at those twinkling dark eyes through the gloom. "Why don't you just run away?" I asked in a strangled voice, "NO ONE WANTS YOU HERE!"

And with that I slammed the door in the poor little things face, before collapsing back against the door, sliding down and holding myself as I wailed long into the night.

* * *

**A/N: I felt like giving another chapter so I hope you guys love it. I know Katniss is bitter but put yourself in her shoes. She's stuck inside her own head a little too much. Reviews are most welcome!**


	10. CHAPTER 9 Katniss

Pairing: Peeta x Katniss.

Rating: M

Warning: Mature content. Deals with issues of pregnancy, and other issues that readers may find sensitive.

Update: Tuesday

Disclaimer: After fifteen years of marriage Katniss is counting the minutes for a pregnancy test to show results. She'd always been so careful. She had no idea what the rebellious actions she takes would cause to her marriage. Fighting to survive the hurdles of love and life and a needy little puppy thrown into the mix, Katniss is living in her own brand of hell. Can she manage to fix the damage and fall in love with Peeta again before they both seriously contemplate divorce?

* * *

**Chapter Nine**

_Katniss_

It'd been two weeks since the puppy made me lock myself in my own bedroom.

It's there wherever I seem to go, cornering me in the kitchen and begging for some attention. Attention that I seem unable to give it. It's like a freeze in its presence. Like those blue eyes can see me right through to my ugly black little soul and judges me for the last two months. I wouldn't be surprised if that were true. I judge myself every second of every day. That just seems to by my life right now; full of judgement and bitterness. It had taken Peeta hours to come home that night. Judging from the smell of alcohol on his breath when he'd yawned in his sleep that night, I could only assume he'd been out drinking with Haymitch

Because drinking was the way to go with our problems apparently. Ah, there's that bitterness again.

I was trying not to let any of this deter me from trying to get Peeta to respond to me in some way, but I kept drawing blanks of how to make such a thing happen, whereas before it would be something as simple as picking a bunch of dandelions and tying them in a ribbon and leaving it on his bedside table. For some reason he adored the little weeds and it used to make him smile. Perhaps I could try that? Just a little token to show that I still cared, I still remembered and I wanted to get better, I just didn't know _how_. He had thought the puppy would be the way, but clearly that plan hadn't worked out. It was still just 'puppy' -it didn't have a name yet, as far as I was aware, and I wasn't about to name the little thing. Although nowadays I couldn't help but think it was a little cute in its innocence and persistence for attention.

In some ways it was _almost_ like a child.

It would follow me around as long as I was in the house and often waited for me when I'd gone out hunting, lying inside the front door, its little head nestled on its paws and watching the door for any sign of movement. It had grown attached to me without me having to encourage. I guess puppies, like children, were simply innocent and loved everyone instantly and upon first sight. I wish it were that easy with Peeta and I. He didn't seem to want to be near me, even though we haven't had an unpleasant atmosphere recently. He didn't vaguely mention something along the lines of going out for a meal in town when Johanna came back to visit. Just us three and Rye.

I knew they were trying to get me out of my comfort zone for a little while, and I found that I was surprisingly okay with that. I needed to be if Peeta and I were going to work again. I needed to show him that I was getting better and being sociable with our friends and family seemed like a good step in the right direction, even if it was only Rye and not, say, his parents. Then again, if I never saw his mother again, it would be too soon. It was only two days away and I was trying not to be a 'girl' about the whole thing, but somehow I knew a lot was riding on that evening. I wanted to dress to impress without being obvious. Especially since it was still winter there was only so many things I could choose that would impress anyone.

I raked my hands through my hair and sighed as I studied myself in the mirror over the bathroom sink. The puppy had trailed in beside me and was now cocking its head from side-to-side as I finished brushing my teeth and wiped my chin. I glared at it in the mirror, "What are you looking at, scruffball?" I teased before sticking my tongue out. It yipped and I rolled my eyes, unable to suppress a small smile. I swiped my hair back again and started to braid it over my shoulder. Some things really didn't change.

Mother was due any moment and I knew she would berate me in her gentle way for not changing out of my pyjamas but why did I need to change? It's not like I had anywhere to go. I sighed and brushed past the puppy as it tried to jump onto my leg. I huffed in annoyance. Just because I was getting used to it didn't mean it would be there forever. It was Peeta's dog. He bought it, he looked after it, he could deal with it. It was none of my concern.

The doorbell rang just as I was slipping down the stairs.

I yanked the front door open, using it as a shield against the bad weather. The wind slapped at my cheeks but I didn't care as my mother hurried inside and took her coat off. I shut the door and moved into the kitchen to put the kettle on. Why did it always feel so tense when she was around? I scolded myself for thinking such things. We both knew why. It was hardly a secret. I huffed to myself as I dropped tea-bags into the mugs and fetched the milk out. Thankfully, she didn't say anything until the tea had brewed and was placed on the table between us.

"I was wondering how you and Peeta were getting along since he brought the puppy home?" She really didn't mince her words lately it would seem. I ground my teeth together and dropped my gaze down to my tea before taking a sip. She continued, "You know, that puppy needs just as much care and attention as you were preparing to give. I know it really isn't the same, but don't deny the poor thing a warm, loving home."

"I don't need a puppy to replace my dead baby!" I snapped out, my knuckles flashing white as I gripped the cup between my hands, silently wishing it were her neck. I blinked in astonishment and avoided her patient, calculating stare. Apparently my temper wasn't as improved as I'd first hoped. Of course it wouldn't be! I wasn't about to talk about my -our -lost child just because everyone felt I should be getting on with my life. It wasn't that simple.

"I wasn't suggesting that it be a replacement," she stated mildly, "I was merely saying that you could help yourself to move past this if you direct your attention elsewhere."

"Like a distraction?" I sneered under my breath.

She nodded her head, "Exactly. I haven't told you this before, partly because I felt it was never relevant, but during the first three months that I was married to your father I also miscarried a child. Our first child." She paused to gauge my reaction before continuing, "I know you'd probably think that it's been over thirty years since that happened so why should it still bother me. But it does. The pain will never go away, Katniss, you know it won't. But it also doesn't have to eat you up inside and push you onto the brink of insanity."

"You mean like you did when Dad died," I spat out, glaring up at her with barred teeth. I felt more like an animal than the puppy.

Her eyes turned cold and hard, like they were trying to shield my eyes from a pain only she could understand. "Losing your father was something else entirely. I had known him nearly all my life. I had loved him for over eleven years and he was my soul mate. Of course it all but destroyed me when he died. I'd only just seen him off to work that morning, only just spoke to him. I could still remember exactly how he sounded only it was almost like an alien sound to me. He was no longer there, so over time his voice distorted in my mind and because something else entirely. I fear that I have all but forgotten how he sounded. If it weren't for his photo on the mantle, I'd have forgotten what he looked like, too. And then to lose Primrose too, well that was worse than losing the unborn baby, because I knew her, I'd spoken to her, I'd loved her more than I'd loved the unborn baby. And that cut me up inside, but at least she's with your father now and I feel safe in the knowledge that she has him, wherever they are."

I watched in shock as her hands and lip began to tremble, her hot, hurt tears trickling down her cheeks. I really was an ugly, despicable person. No wonder we resented one another. I couldn't look at her or her tears running down her chin. '_I caused those'_, I thought bitterly. I shook my head, "As heart-breaking as that must have been you left us alone. I don't know how to cope, like you. I changed my mind and then the universe struck me down when I was most vulnerable. It zapped my happiness out of me." I glanced up at her, "I don't know how I'm supposed to move on from here." I inwardly winced at the idea that I had become the thing I'd most feared. I'd reacted to loss of a loved one the same way as my mother had. If it was that easy, then how easy would it be the second time, or the third or fourth? It could just as easily happen again and I wouldn't have any idea about it until it got to that point again, where I hurt those around me, because misery really _does_ love company.

She wiped her eyes and face with a napkin, "There is no right way forward, Katniss," she stated in her patient, motherly way, despite the clipped edge to her voice it was almost comforting. "You just need to push yourself forward. As hard as this may be to hear, your child was nothing more than a blob inside you. No bigger than a small peanut. It had no cute little toes or fingers or arms or legs or even functioning organs or a brain. Not really. It had the potential for all of that, yes, and I know that's what's hurting you aside from actually losing the child. But you can't let this set-back diminish your life like you're letting it."

"I don't know how to," I murmured a little while after her words filtered through my stubborn defences and soaked into my brain. I sighed, "Maybe this is a sign that I just wasn't meant to take care of anything. I can't even have that animal in the same room as me without wincing."

She gave me another sympathetic smile, "You took care of Peeta when he'd been hijacked and later when he was traumatized after the Revolution. He thrived with you there to take care of him and has done with every ache and pain since. A child isn't all that different, except they can't say 'thank you'. A puppy isn't that hard to love or care for. You just need to give it a chance."

I sighed with a shake of my head and repeated, "I really don't know how to."

She reached out and placed her hand over the top of mine and I was surprised to find that it didn't feel like a strangers' hand, but comforting, as though all those missed years of motherly nurturing were pouring out of her hand and into mine. I offered her a weak smile which quickly faded. "I think going out on Saturday night is a good start. Getting out would do you both some good and maybe talk to one another a little more," I nodded my head, numbly taking her advice. "And Katniss?" I looked up at her expectantly as she gave a forlorn little smile, "You're going to be okay," she leaned over and pressed a hesitant kiss to my forehead, "My brave little girl."

I nearly broke into tears at that moment as I watched her unwind herself from me and her untouched cup of tea, before heading over to the front door and slipping into her coat and winding her scarf around her neck. I fumbled for the right words to make her stay but apparently it wasn't my forte as was I asked sounded rushed and a little too loud in my own ears. "Was it a girl or a boy?"

She stopped short on her way to open the front door and looked back over her shoulder at me. I suddenly felt naked underneath her vulnerable stare. We were not so different, she and me; we'd been through almost the same things. She had lost a lot more than me and yet she was still here, fighting and living and _surviving_. For the first time in my life I suddenly wished that I were more like her. She gave me a sad little smile as she turned the doorknob, "It was a little boy."

Without another word she turned away from me and left me alone with a tight, unsettling feeling in my stomach.

~0~

My stomach was in knots as I slowly slid the comb through my hair. It was freshly washed and I could my skin prickle with the cold draught coming in from under the door. I could hear the muffled sounds of their laughter downstairs as they waited for me. Johanna had already threatened to come up and drag me kicking and screaming in my underwear if she had to. I had to smile at that because I knew she'd at least try. I hadn't realised how much weight I'd lost in the last couple of weeks until that evening after my shower, when I'd tugged on a soft dove-grey jumper down over my head, with its large roll-neck collar when I noticed how baggy it seemed on me. I'd never been fat of course, but it seemed as though my curves had disappeared. It even seemed loose around my breasts despite the push-up bra I was wearing. I blanched at myself in the mirror upon removing the jumper. My ribs poked out and my stomach was shadowed though I blamed the angle of the lights. Pathetic, obviously, but it was easier than admitting I had really let myself go. Was this why Peeta wouldn't touch me? Because he'd been afraid of breaking something? I_ did_ look more fragile than I used to.

I sighed to myself and added a gentle hue of make-up on my face to wash away the dark circles under my eyes and the bland milky colour of my skin. I needed to look more vibrant and alive tonight. I hoped it wasn't too obvious. I'd never been good at that sort of thing. I'd changed into a pair of black dress pants and I opted to keep the jumper on; it was fluffy, warm and soft against my skin unlike machine-wool. I checked myself in the mirror one last time and decided I looked decent before getting up, swiping my scarf of the back of the chair and turning the lights off.

As I came down the staircase the chattering in the hallway came to a stop and I immediately felt self-conscious. I eyed them all as they stared up at me. Did I really look that strange? I raised a shaking hand and smoothed my hair back out of my eyes and bit down on my bottom lip. "So are we ready then?" I asked a little shakily as I stopped at the bottom of the steps and took them all in; Rye had actually dressed decently with a smart button down shirt and was freshly shaven and was standing rather close to Johanna who looked gorgeous in a long red knit dress and a black leather jacket and snow boots. And then there was Peeta; he looked quite dapper in a smart shirt covered with a hoodie that had a rolled neck and hood and a scarf looped around his neck.

But it was the look in his eyes that made my heart stutter in my chest and my breath to escape me. It was a similar look like the day he watched me walk up the aisle to take his hand in marriage. That look in his eyes gave me hope and I had to blink tears away and smiled shyly over at him. He came to stand next to me, his arm circling around my lower back. He was so close I could smell his aftershave. It tingled my nose and made me feel light-headed. "You look beautiful," his soft words murmured in my ear and made my skin prickle with anticipation. I felt a flush on my cheeks as he dipped his lips to kiss my cheek.

As soon as his lips touched my skin I felt something spark inside me and I knew in that moment that I couldn't lose him. Judging from the look in his smoky blue eyes, I knew he felt it too.

"So, dinner then?" Rye asked with a clap of his hands and a large grin on his face.

There is a high end sort of restaurant in Twelve that is mostly designed for when the holiday-makers from the Capitol come to stay, but during the winter months we liked to come here now and then. Johanna had been there with us a couple of times and Rye rarely ever left the bakery in the last year. It would be a nice change for all of us and apparently being in the company of our friends meant that Peeta was more willing to talk to me and touch me, even if it was by accident or about the most mundane things. I knew it couldn't last but I was willing to enjoy it while it lasted. Once we'd ordered and our drinks had been brought to us, I felt a lot more relaxed and settled back down against the soft seats and felt my stomach knot as Peeta's thigh brushed against my own. He kept shooting me glances when Rye and Johanna weren't looking and it made my heart skip a beat when his lips twitched into a small smile.

Maybe we really would be okay if this evening went well.

"It is so good to finally get out of that bakery," Rye stated with a grin as he sipped at his beer.

Johanna snorted next to him, "Oh yeah, all that bread and cookies and cupcakes. How dreadful!" her sarcasm was light-hearted and he seemed to eat it right up with an identical cocky grin on his lips. Was that a blush on Jo's cheeks? Were they flirting with one another? Where had I been all this time?

I ducked my head to hide my weak smile and felt Peeta's hand resting on my thigh, "Are you alright?" he murmured in a low voice in my ear.

I glanced up at him with a frown. Did he really mean that or was it for the other two's benefit? I opened my mouth and struggled to find the words, "I … I think I'm feeling better. How about you?"

He nodded his head slightly, "I'm glad we came out tonight. It's the most relaxed I've felt in ages. I'm sorry we haven't been talking much," he murmured into the shell of my ear and I shivered at how much it tickled. "I can't believe how beautiful you look tonight," his lips moved against my skin and every inch of my body felt as though it was about to burst into flames.

"You don't look so bad yourself," I teased with a weak smile, the words sounding familiar and foreign to my ears all at the same time. He must have noticed too because he gave my hand a squeeze and a sympathetic smile.

For the most part the dinner went well, there were a few tense moments but I had expected that. It couldn't be perfect straight off the bat. Johanna and Rye made the effort to steer clear of difficult subjects, mainly about children, Peeta's mother, and the fact that I seemed to have a lot of free time on my hands to mope around the house and yell at the puppy for following me and taking a special interest in hiding my bobble hat. The tug of wars that ensued when Peeta wasn't hope would have made me smile if I hadn't wanted to get rid of the annoying little thing. It was sort of cute, I suppose. When we had finished our dessert and Johanna was about ready to fall asleep, we decided it was time to head home. We paid the waiter, shuffled into our coats, and then stepped out into the cold air. "Alright well I'll be getting this one off home," Rye grinned as he nudged Johanna in the arm, for which she playfully punched his shoulder.

"I'll stop by tomorrow, Katniss," Johanna grinned as she was steered away as the wind picked up and blew her short, spiked hair into her eyes. I nodded and waved goodbye to her. I was suddenly all too aware that I was alone with Peeta. All my sense went into hyper-drive. We looked at one another, chuckled nervously and then looked away. We weren't even this nervous the first time we had sex.

He broke the silence by coming over to me and resting his hand in the small of my back, "Let's hurry up and get home," his voice was low and rumbled in the pit of my stomach. All of a sudden I felt nervous and excited. The smoky look in his blue eyes was always there whenever he was aroused. Was he? I glanced down and flushed at the tell-tale bulge shifting discreetly in his trousers. He slipped his hands into mine and I let myself get whisked back along the roads towards the Victors Village. My heart was in my throat and I was desperate to feel his weight on top of me. It had been too long.

We practically tripped inside the front door, ours clothes tangling around our limbs as his mouth met mine in hungry, wet, passionate kisses that set my blood on fire. I craved his touch, his taste and his weight but I couldn't cloud my mind completely. The closer we got to our house the more the reality of our situation sank into my brain and made my skin prickle against the cold.

We fumbled through the darkness to our bedroom, his hot hands barely leaving my body as we stood there, me in my bra and knickers and him in his boxers. I was panting heavily against his neck, feeling his hardness press between our hips. His breath was heavy and ragged as he pressed hungry kisses along my shoulder and up my throat. My mouth tipped open in a soft moan that I couldn't swallow back down. My fingers threaded through his hair. I couldn't deny how much I wanted him, how much I'd missed him and how much he clearly wanted me. He took a step back towards the bed and I held back, my stomach knotting. "Wait, wait, wait," I breathed, my eyes downcast and my arm taught as he tried to tug me down.

"I can't wait any longer," he grunted low in his throat, shifting to the end of the bed and burying his nose against my navel. My breath hitched as I ran my fingers through his hair. I closed my eyes and for a moment I pictured myself letting it happen and how it might be in the morning. But another, stronger part of me stopped myself from dropping over into his lap and letting his hand slip to the ache between my legs.

"Peeta we can't rush this!" I stated in an urgent whisper, pressing our foreheads together so that I didn't come off as hostile and miserable as I probably sounded.

His fingers gripped my hips a little tighter, his hot breath skirting over my skin and through my knickers. Oh, God I wanted him to touch me, kiss me, have his way with me –but I couldn't. Could I? He looked up at me, his smouldering eyes making my skin burn with lust and my mouth run dry. A shiver ran down my spine and my knickers grew damp between my legs. It was such a strange sensation after so long. His jaw was set and he seemed to have sobered a little. Yet his words didn't match his expression, "Katniss for nearly three months, we've barely touched one another. Please, just for one night, let me make love to you. Go back to hating me in the morning if you like, but for tonight, let me make love to that beautiful, _beautiful _body of yours. Let me love my wife the way I want. Please?"

How could I deny him one night where we were finally comfortable with one another? I closed my mouth and felt my head nod slowly before I cupped his face in my hands. "I could never hate you, Peeta," I murmured before pressing my mouth against his in a slow, passionate kiss that surged forth from my soul.

He pulled my back on top of him, his mouth hot and hungry, as his fingers dipped into my knickers and squeezed my arse before shifting my legs on either side of his hips. He rubbed himself against my wetness and I moaned deep into his mouth, my body aching with the need to be filled with him. He rolled on top of me and tugged my knickers off and splayed my legs. I leaned back onto the pillow and felt a pool of heat stirring in my belly and spreading through me. I gasped as I felt his hot, wet tongue slipping inside me and tasting me again. He must have liked me as he thrust his tongue deep inside me, his hands gripping my thighs and sucking on my lips. I moaned and thrust me hips into his mouth, my eyes fluttering closed as I rocked beneath him. "Peeta!" I gasped out as he wet his fingers and slipped one inside me.

I was beyond tight around him, with just _one_ in me!

I panted heavily against the back of my hand as Peeta continued to finger me, making me wet and wide with desire. Oh, God, I need him inside me. I sat up, forcing his head away, and shifting to the end of the bed where I took his cock in my hand and slipped my mouth around his head and sucked. His breath hitched and then he groaned low in his throat as he slowly thrust into my mouth, his hands curling into my hair.

"Lay down," he grunted as he pushed against my shoulders, my mouth falling away from his hard cock with a small wet 'pop'.

I complied, the coldness of the duvet cover against my back making me quiver as Peeta slid between my legs and positioned his head against my entrance. He brushed his head against my lips and the ache in me made me groan his name and thrust against him. He grinned down at me –How I'd missed that smile! I was delirious with lust. My eyes flew wide open as he pressed inside me. I reared up and clutched at his back, pushing him deeper in me. He pressed a kiss against my head and thrust inside me completely, sheathing himself inside my heat. I whimpered against his chest I breathed in his musky scent.

We'd just finished and rested for a little while, when his hot hands were on me again. I breathed a sigh of relief. I hadn't wanted any of it to bend, because as soon as it ended that would mean we were right back to square one. We made love with a slow passionate hunger that seeped from every pore of our beings. We did almost every position we could come up with one the spur of the moment. The bed creaked with our weight, the wall became dented where the headboard had banged against it repeatedly and my g-spot had been thoroughly abused and I revelled in the feeling of it burning away inside me. My arse cheeks were a little raw from where he's spanked me and gripped me when we'd done it doggy-style over the end of the bed and up against the window, the frosty glass making my nipples even harder.

I literally wouldn't be able to look at any part of our room that wouldn't have a memory of us fucking with the raw passion that exploded within both of us.

I slept naked for the last time in ages despite how cold it was outside. Lying under the duvet with the warmth of our love hanging around on both of our skins, and Peeta's naked muscles pressed up against my back, I felt safe and secure for the first time in what seemed like forever. He held me in his arms all night and I fell asleep with a smile on my lips as I listened to the steady drumming of his heartbeat.

I woke up the following morning chilly and alone and the reality of everything sobered me from my sluggish state. I trembled and drew the warm sheets around my shoulders and inhaled the scent of our love. I closed my eyes and bowed my head onto my knees. I took a few deep breaths and winced at the ache between my legs; too much too soon. I glanced over at the bedside table and my heart clenched in my chest. There was a small note from Peeta signed with more X's and O's than I'd seen in months.

'_Good morning, Katniss, I hope you slept well. I think we need to talk tonight, but I promise I'm not angry. Nor should you be. Relax today, and I'll bring dinner home. Last night was perfect._

_Peeta XOXOX'_

It should have made me happy –and it did –but my stomach flooded with dread as I imagined his smile as he wrote that note with me sleeping not two feet away. I drew the sheets tighter around me. He was right, we did need to talk. I didn't know how it was going to do but for the first time in ages I didn't have the energy to think about all the possible outcomes. What would happen would happen and I didn't want to spend all day worrying about it. A chirpy little bark drew my attention to the bedroom door where a blur of grey and white bounded over, sprung for the bed and bounced off. I smiled tiredly as the puppy jumped up and down several times, its pink tongue lolling out of its mouth, before I finally rolled my eyes and reached over and scooped it up.

It yapped and licked at my hands and wriggled around in my lap and pawed at my thigh. I held my hands over its head, watching it twist this way and that to decide which hand to follow, before ruffling its flanks. His large blue eyes were wide with excitement. I bopped its nose gently. "You'd better not tell Peeta about this," I threatened with a wry smile as I scratched the squirming little thing behind the ears.

The puppy yapped before leaping off the edge of the bed. I heard it bump down the stairs, no doubt in search for my bobble hat. I shook my head slowly before opting to take a bath.

I spent the day shuffling around in my boot-slippers, a thick cardigan over my thermal pyjamas and rummaging through the fridge for left-overs to nibble on. It was the most relaxed I'd felt in weeks. I didn't feel tired and my skin didn't feel tight and drawn on my face. It was like I was waking up from a great sleep, which technically was true. The puppy stayed at my side all day and even managed to claw its way onto the sofa and sat beside my feet, tongue lolling about as I watched another crappy daytime show on the Network. How Capitol citizens had the time to enjoy such rubbish day in and day out was beyond me.

I tapped the pup's paw with my toe and watched it bat at my foot before nuzzling it.

The doorbell ringing throughout the house forced me to leave my comfy cocoon of blankets and trudge to the door. I opened it and froze when I saw Peeta's mother standing there. My eyes turned cold and hard as I glared down at her. "What do you want?" I sneered at her, drawing myself up to me full height. "Peeta isn't here and even if he were, he wouldn't want to see you."

Her lips twisted into a cruel little smile and I felt my blood run cold. "Well I was just coming to see if he'd come home or not or if he'd gone into town. I'd stopped by earlier and mentioned that Delly had popped down for a visit. Oh well," she gave an exasperated sigh, her beady little eyes mocking me, "I guess I'll come by another time." With that, she turned on the spot and flounced off. I slammed the door so hard the glass panes rattled in the frame.

I stood there for who knows how long, fists clenched and panting heavily as I glared at the door. I knew it wasn't true. He wasn't interested in Delly, hadn't been interested point blank. So why was this lie bothering me so much?

'_Because it could be true, if he really wanted it_,' the voice in my mind taunted, '_He could have any girl he wanted. He's a hero after-all_.'

I shook my head clear and went back to sulk on the sofa, my brain kicking into over-drive. I didn't know how to talk to Peeta now. He wanted to discuss where we stood with one another later, but how could I do that when I was still so shaken up? Spinning around, I snatched the phone from its cradle on the side table and punched in the bakery number. It rang three times before Rye picked up, "_Hello_?"

"Hey Rye, it's Katniss, is Peeta there?"

"_No, he left about half an hour ago. Isn't he home yet_?" his voice hummed with concern.

"N-no," I managed to choke out, "Not yet. I'm sure he won't be long." The feigned cheeriness in my voice made me feel sick and I stammered out a quick, high-pitched goodbye before dropping the phone back into the cradle with a little too much force.

And then I started to pace the floor.

Memories and daydreams that never came true punched through the sheer white fog clouding my judgement. I gnawed on my thumbnail and winced as it broke between my teeth. I spat into the bun, and continued to pace as the sky darkened outside. The temperature dropped and the house grew dim yet I didn't move to turn on any lights. The only light came from the Network still humming away and it cast an eerie glow against the furniture in the room.

I don't remember what I said when Peeta got home but suffice to say it wasn't the conversation either of us had been suspecting. We both threw good and bad points back and forth up until the point of insulting one another. In the end he sneered in disgust and stormed up to our bedroom, where he snatched some pillows and a thick fleece blanket from the top drawers of our wardrobe and went to sleep in the nursery. My heart clenched at the thought but by that point I was too angry and hurt that it didn't register until the early hours of the morning.

I clutched at the pillow that no longer smelled of him through the night and wept silent tears into it. I hated myself for letting my irrational theories get the better of me and for letting myself get so insecure over the venom his mother spewed. I shuddered and wriggled further under the duvet. No matter how much hatred I held for that woman, it was nothing compared to the hatred I felt for myself for believing her lies for a moment.

In the bleak light of dawn another sudden thought struck me down with an iciness that crept into my heart.

_We hadn't used protection._

Did that mean I could end up being pregnant again? It had been long enough by the doctor's standards so it wasn't unlikely. I swallowed thickly and curled in on myself, wrapping my arms around my stomach, "Please, God, don't let it be true," I breathed through my tears and soft whispering sobs. I squeezed my eyes shut and quaked with the cold, "I don't want to go through this again."

I prayed for once that He'd listen to me.

When I let myself be roused the following morning, I felt my temples throb with the lack of sleep and the ear splitting sound that was coming from the front door. I groaned and forced myself out of bed and shuffled down the stairs ready to glare at whoever was banging on the wood so hard. I blinked rapidly in the weak grey light that blared down at me as I opened the front door. To my surprise, Haymitch was standing there looking as rumpled and sour as ever. His hard blue eyes bore into me and I suddenly felt like a naughty little girl about to be scolded. "What're you doing awake this early?" I asked, my tone a touch my accusatory than I'd planned it to be.

He scowled even harder down at me, "You better pick up your ears and listen, sweetheart, because I ain't repeating myself for you three weeks done the line," he leaned in closer and I was vaguely surprised to smell mint on his breath rather than alcohol. Apparently that was the day of miracles, no matter how small. "You better wake up and realise what you're doing to that boy," he sneered, his tone harsh and brutal to my ear drums, "One day he's gonna wake up and realise that he could have anyone he wanted and how he's stuck with a miserable little cow like you. He wanted so badly to talk to you last night and then you flip your shit for something his ma said, of all things!" I dropped my gaze not wanting to have this discussion but also knowing that he wouldn't leave until he was done. He'd shout it through our letterbox before leaving if he had to. I hunched my shoulders as he continued, "Your marriage is hanging by a thread, Katniss. If you put as much energy into loving that boy now as you did to save Panem or to even keep living after your sister, then you might have a chance. Let me tell you a little story," his mouth twisted as he leaned heavily on the doorframe and loomed over me, "Once upon a time I told a smart-mouthed little Seam girl that she could live a thousand life times and still not be good enough for Peeta. And you know what happened?"

I shook my head, my skin prickling with the cold.

"She married him and loved him for fifteen odd years before the cracks started to show. Then she all but turned him against her right at the crossroads that would have led to a brighter future," he stared hard into my eyes and I swallowed thickly, "Wanna know how it ends?" he didn't wait for a response as he continued, "She broke what was left of his poor little heart and he went off elsewhere to seek comfort from someone who could understand him, effectively ending their marriage."

I sniffed, not realising that I was on the brink of crying. I cuffed my eyes as dry as possible before glaring up at him, "Stories can be rewritten, Haymitch!" I bit out, grinding my teeth together.

He gave me a dark little smile that showed such raw disbelief it made me doubt my own self confidence. He pushed himself off the doorframe, allowing me the ability to slam it in his face. I didn't. I held it tight but was rooted to the spot. I loathed Peeta for running across the road to Haymitch whenever we had a tiff, or a fight or a full blown war like we'd had last night. He fixed me with an expression I couldn't read, "You better prove me wrong then, sweetheart."

Without another word, he turned on his heel and marched back toward his own house. I slammed the door behind me glaring at it with clenched fists, the sensation of déjà vu slamming into me before I could stop it. A distressed laugh choked out of my mouth as I looked down at the puppy that bumped its head against my shin. "Am I really ruining my marriage?" I asked rhetorically, even though Haymitch's presence at my front door in the _morning_ was a clear sign that I was.

The puppy gave a sad little yap –if yapping could be done in a melancholy way –to which I gave a sad little huff of laughter before I scooped it up in my arm and trailed back to bed.

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**A/N: I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. I loved the fluff in there, but I just couldn't stop the angst from flowing. Do not worry! There is a method to my madness, my lovelies. Please R&R!**


	11. Chapter 10 Peeta

Pairing: Peeta x Katniss.

Rating: M

Warning: Mature content. Deals with issues of pregnancy, and other issues that readers may find sensitive.

Update: Tuesday **(sorry that it's late I'd been busy getting ready for comic con!)**

Disclaimer: After fifteen years of marriage Katniss is counting the minutes for a pregnancy test to show results. She'd always been so careful. She had no idea what the rebellious actions she takes would cause to her marriage. Fighting to survive the hurdles of love and life and a needy little puppy thrown into the mix, Katniss is living in her own brand of hell. Can she manage to fix the damage and fall in love with Peeta again before they both seriously contemplate divorce?

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**Chapter Ten**

_Peeta_

The slamming of the front door jerked me out of my semi-conscious stupor.

I'd been lying curled up on my side in the spare bed with the blankets tucked up around my chin. I'd spent the night over at Haymitch's house. Despite it only being on the other side of the Victor's Village, it felt like a league or two away from my house. It was a comfortable reprieve. Haymitch, contrary to popular belief, isn't loud in the darkest hours of the night. I'd called Rye early this morning telling him I wouldn't be in that day and he said that he'd gotten caught up and had a late night. I was sure I heard a sarcastic retort that sounded a lot like Johanna but I couldn't be sure. The call didn't last longer than that afterwards. My fight with Katniss last night was a blur in my mind and I was losing the energy to keep fighting any longer. As hollowing as that thought was, it was the truth. Even Haymitch could see the urge draining out of me, leaving nothing but a shell in its wake.

I yawned and winced at the bitter taste at the back of my mouth. I had no will to claw myself out of bed but I knew that I'd have to if I wanted anything to eat or drink. Not that Haymitch would cook for me, but he would keep me company. Even in my darkest hour, I desperately needed company.

I pulled myself upright and sat, hunched over on the edge of my bed and dropped my head into my hands. I was feeling bitter, I knew I was, but that was only because of how close we'd come and hot easily it was snatched away out of my grasp _again_! I hated it. I felt cruel and bitter, but I hated it.

I raked my hands through my hair, sighed and then forced myself off of the bed and dragged a jumper on over my head and pulled on a pair of loose bottoms and socks. Haymitch always had the heat cranked up so I left the bedroom and stretched my arms and shoulders before descending down to the ground floor.

Haymitch was sitting at the kitchen table with his feet propped up on the varnished woodwork and I was so close to scolding him that he merely gave a lazy, sardonic wave of his hand. I rolled my eyes at his antics and went over to the stove and started to boil some water to pouch some eggs. "So where were you so early in the morning?" I called over my shoulder as Haymitch turned a page in the newspaper he'd just unfolded.

"I'd just popped over to see your wife and told her to get her head out of her arse," he quipped in his usual dry tone of voice.

I whipped around to glare at him, my heart thumping in my chest and my stomach knotting over and over. "Haymitch!" I snapped, "Why would you do that? She's pissed enough as it is why would you go and make matters worse?"

Haymitch snorted over the top of his newspaper, "Stop being such a push-over, Peeta. She needs to get her act together otherwise she can kiss her pretty little life goodbye, and at the rate she's going, I wouldn't be sorry to see her getting a taste of her own medicine."

I felt my shoulders slump. I couldn't really object at that point. He was right; Katniss did need to get a taste of her own medicine. She was flipping between emotions at too close a range and I was sick and tired of having to tiptoe around my own house in case I got her pissed off or agitated. Maybe it would be better for me if I took some time-out for myself and not focus on Katniss. As much as I wanted our marriage to work, I hadn't taken time for myself in a very long time. I hadn't realised how long until I'd dropped two eggs into the boiling water and placed some bread in the toaster. "Hey Haymitch?" I called out softly over my shoulder, "Would you mind if I moved some of my things in here for a little while? I need a clearer head and I think some time apart would do me good right now."

Haymitch looked at me with such intensity I was sure I could feel my skin burn off the back of my neck. The silence was thick and heavy as the water bubbled on the stove and the toast popped out, nice and brown and crispy. He hummed to himself before clearing his throat, "Sure, grab a few things later and set yourself up in the spare room. God knows, someone might as well use it."

I felt my stomach unknot as I dished up the breakfast and poured two mugs of tea from the kettle that had boiled. Haymitch took his feet off of the table and folded the newspaper away to one side. Haymitch took his feet off of the table and folded the newspaper away to one side. We ate in a comfortable silence for the most part, with Haymitch commenting on a few things in the newspaper before he finally asked, "So why haven't you two thought about that marriage counselling nonsense?" he asked as he scooped some egg in his mouth.

I looked up at him and shrugged, "The few times I tried to bring it up, Katniss flipped out and threw shoes at me until I ducked out and went to the bakery for the rest of the day. Rye was more than surprised to see me that day. Slowest day during the week and it had to be the day where she picked a fight for no reason and I wanted to be as far away from her as possible."

"That seems to be the way you two are going almost every day, at this rate," he commented dryly. "At this rate you're going to be on your way to a very nasty and very public divorce."

"You really think so?" the words left me feeling hollow. I didn't want a divorce. Katniss was 'The One' –at least, until recently I'd thought so. Now I honestly didn't know what to think and I'm not sure I wanted to think about Katniss at that moment.

Haymitch shrugged a shoulder as though it wasn't such a big deal. "If I were you, I would find a divorce lawyer as well. Just to draw some things up, just in case things turn for the worst."

"You think?" I asked, trying to gauge his reaction. His expression stayed the same as he looked up at me over the table. I felt a weight settle in my stomach. I knew he was right and how much it would hurt me to sit in that office waiting to be seen, going through fact after fact in my head until I was admitted to see the lawyer and drew some papers up. Just in case. A shiver ran through me as I grabbed the plates and took them over to the sink. At least Haymitch appreciated good food first thing in the morning. "I'll see what I can find out. I'm going to talk to Lavender this afternoon anyway."

"What for?"

"I just need to talk to her. I want to iron out any bad feelings that she might have about this whole thing, because I know for a fact Katniss won't do any of it. It's not right to leave her in the dark."

Haymitch hummed in response. I didn't really need his approval for what I'd already made my mind up about. I needed to talk to Lavender and ask what her thoughts on the matter were. The puppy hadn't done much at first, but slowly Katniss was warming up to it. She thought I couldn't tell, that I was too wrapped up in my own thoughts to pay attention, but I saw it whenever we were both at home. Every time she got up the puppy would hop down from wherever it sat, and trailed along at her heels. When she was sat on the sofa and watching the Network, the puppy would sometimes trail up and down over her and instead of brushing it off onto the floor, she absently ran her finger through his fur and tickled behind his ear. When we ate at the table –in sheer silence –I'd watched her drop a little scrap of bread or a cut of meat onto the table when she thought I wasn't watching her. It was endearing to the say the least; I simply wish that her treatment of me was better. We'd gotten so close to getting somewhere good, and then within twenty-four hours –boom. Back to square one.

I sighed and ran a hand down my face before pushing myself away from the sink, dried my hands and hurried up to my room where I dressed and stomped back down the stairs with a casual 'BYE!' over my shoulder to Haymitch as I pulled the front door closed behind me.

The walk to the Seam flashed by as I kept my face turned towards the pavement, my hands stuffed in my pockets and my mind whirling back to a time when Katniss and I would stroll down these streets, weary from helping rebuild parts of the district and then falling into bed side-by-side with sleepy looks of adoration on both our faces. I did love her, I really did, but what was I supposed to do? I was at the end of my tether, and I couldn't keep rolling over and waiting for her to make her mind up. She either wanted to be with me, or she didn't. Although I she did want to end our marriage then she could sit me down and talk to me, instead of picking out a fight at every single turn. I sighed and flexed my shoulder as I moved up the load winding road of the Seam, past Bernard's house now lacking the sound of yapping puppies, and up to Lavenders house. I climbed up onto the porch and knocked on her door and waited for her to answer. She welcomed me with her usual tight-lipped smile and I was grateful for the warm cloud that I stepped into, in her living room.

As I unwound my scarf from around my neck she busied herself in the kitchen making some tea and getting some biscuits out to nibble on. The silence was palpable as I wondered into the kitchen and sat down at the small round table as the kettle on the hob whistled. Once everything was placed out, she broke the silence as she eased herself into her chair, "I know what you want to see me about, Peeta, and let me just say this; if you do decide that it's in your best interest for you and Katniss to divorce, there won't be any hard feelings between us."

"Don't you think there should be a little?" I asked in a surprised manner, "I mean, Katniss is your daughter."

She nodded her head, "Yes I know that, but it's not as though you've been cheating on her, or have broken her heart. If anything, she's the one who has broken her vows and shut you out of her life."

"She had good reason," I countered weakly, but we could both tell that my heart wasn't in it.

"So did I when their father died, but she refused to let me get away with that excuse," she stated, a touch of bitterness tinting her words. I watched as she drank some tea, her shoulders still tense.

I couldn't fault her reasoning as I munched into a sweet chocolate chip cookie and felt my knee jiggle with the tension that was bubbling up from the pit of my stomach. "Haymitch suggested that I speak to a divorce layer today. To draw up some papers just in case," I glanced up at Lavender and saw her mouth set into a firm, thin line. "I don't want to do it, but at the rate we're going it seems inevitable that this marriage will be over by the end of the year." I sighed and clawed my hand through my hair. "I want to try counselling first. Katniss always refused before but even she has to see that this only has two possible outcomes and right now we're veering more towards an end."

She nodded her head, "I should think that some basic counselling will get you where you both need to go," she stated in a softer voice, the tension easing out of her shoulders a little as she sipped her tea again. "I think that somewhere along the way you've both lost yourselves, especially in the last couple of months. I know this incident has shaken you but I can't condone all of her behaviour since then. You've been the perfect husband to her; so attentive, so caring and thoughtful. She couldn't have asked for anyone better."

"Apparently she could," I murmured.

Lavender shook her head gently, "Don't get me wrong, I do understand the shock of all this. But you've been strong and gotten on with life. Katniss knows you're not being heartless. She's kept herself locked up and away from everyone, the only people who have managed to get close to her in the last few months has been Johanna."

"Johanna has been an angel in the last three months. She's given me the time to myself and gotten Katniss out of the house when she refused to even look at me. I don't know what I would have done without her." I hummed softly to myself as I leaned back in the chair, contemplating the rest of the conversation, "Even if I do go and speak to a divorce lawyer today, I'm not going to tell Katniss about it. She doesn't need to be freaked out right now. I only want it in case of an emergency. Do you know of any marriage counsellors?"

Lavender nodded, "Yes there are a few who work with the hospital to help with grief and things like that. I've worked with a few of them too; they are really good at their jobs."

I offered her a weak smile, "I'd love to meet with a few of them next week. Do you think Katniss will be up to the idea?"

Lavender shrugged, "At this point in time, Peeta, I honestly wouldn't be able to tell." She poured herself another cup of tea and when she next spoke her voice was lighter and calming to my ears. The knot of tension eased itself looser in my stomach at her next words. "I think I know some of the things they're going to suggest and one of them I think you could start thinking about now. Especially since now you're living at Haymitch's house. Date nights!" she stated with a brighter smile, "You could think about organising little dates for one another, like before you got married."

I blinked up at her and frowned a little at the idea. Date nights could be a step forward to get us talking to one another again. At the very least she shouldn't be able to make a public rejection lest all of Panem start hounding her for being heartless. It had worked well the other night, but I knew if I tried another 'date' she'd be onto what I was trying to do, on her guard all night and giving clipped responses. I clicked my tongue in thought; the counsellor probably wouldn't suggest that until they saw if we were making any progress with one another. Still, it couldn't hurt to start brain-storming some ideas at least.

She smiled at me and poured some more tea into my now empty cup. It was warm and no doubt has some of her calming drops in them. I didn't mind. They worked well and she could tell that I'd needed them as soon as she'd opened the door to me. I was grateful to her; she was much more attentive than my own mother and I felt no shame in admitting such a thing, if even in my own head. I drank some more of the hot tea, feeling it splash around in my insides and warming my cold heart. All this misery and heartache was doing me damage, I knew that and saw it every time I shaved in the morning and looked at myself in the mirror; I'd lost a lot of weight with the late nights, early mornings and barely having time to eat as the bakery was busier than ever. I tried not to think about it too often but at least having to cater for Haymitch for the time being would ensure that I ate well myself.

Katniss would have to learn to do more than salt meat.

Before long I had thanked Lavender for her hospitality and was making my way along the winding roads to the train station. If I was going to see a divorce lawyer, then I would take my business away from the district. The last thing I needed right now, was for someone to spy me going to the one lawyers office that settled in Twelve, and then run off to snitch on me to Katniss and plant who knew what diseased thoughts into her mind. It was just a precaution in case things did get too strenuous for us. If I wanted out completely of this marriage, I wouldn't be wasting my time to be discreet and mentally preparing myself from the all-out war I was anticipating on going home when I asked Katniss how she felt about marriage counselling.

I honestly hoped she was in a good mood when I got home, because my head was throbbing with all the thinking, and strategies I had to take to ensure my own wife didn't scream at me.

I groaned and massaged my temples with my fingers. When had life gotten so complicate for us? Once upon a time we had been the ideal couple, so what happened?

_When she wanted to give you a baby, _came the voice at the back of my head. I winced and forced myself to look out of the window as the train pulled away from the station and chuffed along the rails. It creaked along and swayed at the bends in the tracks. I didn't want to keep over-thinking things. I always knew that marriage wasn't going to be easy, especially marriage to Katniss of all women in Panem, but I had never anticipated that it would have gotten this exhausting just to think about it. It hurt my heart so.

I passed through District after District until I came into District Four; according to the Panem news on the Network it has been the place for all the lawyers and a good variation of counsellors had settled. I tried not to think too much as I shifted my now heavy body out of the seat and shuffled my feet one in front of the other as I clomped along the pavement, hands in my pockets and head bowed against the breeze as I went along to the tall building who I'd contacted the previous evening. My stomach felt like iron and my body was both numb and hollow –a gaping hole in my chest made it difficult to breathe –as I pushed the large, glossy door open and strode inside along the polished tiled floor. The receptionist –a girl who reminded me sharply of Clove –raised her eyebrows as I approached and in a clipped tone asked, "Yes?"

"I'm here to see Mister Layman," I said as clearly as I could muster.

The returned her gaze to her organize and clicked her tongue a couple of times. "Mister Mellark?" she asked in her clipped, cold tone, an eyebrow arched elegantly. I nodded my head, my mouth running dry. "Perfect," she ticked something off and stood up with an expression on her fact suggesting that my being there was anything _but_ perfect. "If you'll just go down the corridor and take the first left and take a chair. He'll be out with you shortly." She bowed her head back to her work in a clear dismissal. Feeling my stomach lurch I turned and forced myself to walk down the long corridor. The ceiling was so high it would take several people standing on one another's shoulders to reach it.

Finally I came to a row of chairs outside a polished wooden door and eased myself down into it, as though afraid that my touching anything would sully the woodwork or tarnish the polished tiles on the floor.

I fiddled with my thumbs, the back of my neck growing warmer as I waited to be admitted into the lawyer's office. I felt on edge; I'd never done anything like it before, let alone behind someone's back. The fact that the 'someone' in question happened to be my _wife_ only made matters worse.

"Mister Mellark?"

I jerked in the seat and exhaled painfully, unaware that I'd been holding my breath for a little while in anticipation. Mr. Layman was nothing like I'd imagined a lawyer to be, not that I had much experience with them other than what I'd witnessed in the Network; he was tall, lean and greying at the temples of his sandy coloured hair, a few laughter lines crinkled around his almond coloured eyes. I swallowed thickly before nodding my head and forcing myself out of the chair. I only just realised that he had his hand out, waiting for me to shake it. I wiped mine down on my trousers, before shaking his. He stepped back to let me into his office and gave a deep throaty laugh, "There's no need to be nervous. We spoke on the phone, remember? I know that this is all just a cautionary meeting and the papers we're going to draw up are going to be a last resort, but if you ever need any legal advice, I'm just on the other end of said phone." He gave such a warm smile that I felt my shoulders relax as I settled into the soft leather chair on the other side of his desk.

I nodded my head, trying not to sweat through my jumper. "Y-yes, that's right. My wife and I have been having some difficulties lately and I'm not sure what the future is going to hold for us, but I'd like to make sure that there won't be a huge legal battle between us should anything go wrong."

He nodded his head and leaned forward a little, as though to observe me. "That sounds fairly reasonable. Did you and your wife sign a prenuptial agreement before you got married?"

My tongue felt like sandpaper in my mouth as I shook my head, "We … er … don't really believe in that down in Twelve," I stated in a strangled tone.

He nodded his head to show that he understood and yet still, when he spoke, his tone of voice set me on edge once again. "I see," he murmured slowly as he inclined his head, "Well that will make matters a touch more complex." I nodded waiting for him to continue, trying not to squeeze my sweating palms too tightly, or register how tightly knotted my stomach had become. "Is there anything in particular that would require paperwork?" he asked.

I furrowed my brow in though; we had my house that we were living in, despite Katniss having had her own at one point. She had her business with Sae but that was never anything formal with paycheques or anything that the Capitol could trace back to her. She hadn't been incorporated into the deed of the bakery so I didn't think that would be an issue. Blinking back a tear I sighed. It was like we were living completely separate lives already, on paper. Realising that I hadn't spoken in a little while, I cleared my throat, "No, I don't think so."

"Okay well if you think of anything you will of course let me know," It hadn't been a question but I still nodded my head regardless. We spent the next hour or so after that drawing up the arrangements for living apart, and to ensure that our money and earnings remained separate as well as whatever we could divide between ourselves without fighting with one another.

The only problem was the puppy that he had bought; he'd bought the little pup for Katniss and though she seemed to be improving, it was a difficult issue. I shrugged after a while when asked who the puppy would belong to. "I have no idea," I admitted, my shoulders falling heavily and my temples throbbing under the bright lights, "I guess we could just each call it and see who he runs to."

"That could work," Layman smiled at me, "What is the little guys name anyway?"

I shook my head with a wry smile, "I don't know. We haven't named him yet."

~0~

By the time I got home that evening the sun had set, there was a chill in the air that made me duck my head as I walked, and a silence over Twelve that felt calming and lazy. As I trudged up the Victors Village the events of the day and all of the advice I'd received when around and around in my head, each point warring with another for dominance. Not that it would have made any difference really; I was still in love with Katniss –or at the very least I still loved her –and I wanted to make it work with her. I had my doubt of course I did, but at this point in time I think we were both doubting one another too much instead of trying to build the trust back up again.

That needed fixing as soon as possible.

I clicked my key in the lock of the front door and pushed it open, shutting it quickly behind me to ward off the chill that was creeping in around my ankles. I ruffled my hair as though shaking invisible snowflakes out of it and then set about taking my coat and scarf off and toeing off my boots by the front door. My prosthetic leg creaked a little, which was almost normal now when we were due for a bout of bad weather. I could only hope that it meant bad weather outside and not the storm inside that I had been dreading since I'd woken up.

As it turned out I needn't have bothered worrying the entire journey home on the train; Katniss was fast asleep, curled up on her side on the sofa, her legs curled around the puppy that had his head resting on her toned shin. I felt a stab of envy at the puppy but it soon passed. I had wanted her to bond with it, and she was doing that. It had taken far longer than I would have hoped for, but it had still worked some. I reached over the back of the sofa and gently draped a knitted throw over Katniss, tucking it around her legs and feet before securing it around her shoulders. She looked so peaceful asleep, with her hair loose and fanned out down the plush pillows we'd bought together.

Another stab, this time of fear, pierced my chest as my gaze wondered around the darkened room; I couldn't imagine my life without Katniss or anything that was the essence of her. How was I supposed to live without tripping over her hunting boots on the weekend and then teasing her about how mannish they were? How could I enjoy an evening coming home from work with only myself to cook for? What would I cook for my lonely self without all the fresh meat Katniss caught, killed and salted the day before? How could I even think of moving on with anyone else when they wouldn't have the earthy scent of the forest clinging to their skin like Katniss? Or the tangy mixture of sweat and leather after a hot day hunting in the sun? I couldn't bear any of it and I was a fool to think that I could.

Now that I was looking more closely, it looked as though she had lost even more weight in the last couple of weeks and she had a good few grey hairs glistening in her thick dark hair. They shimmered in the light coming from the Network as they weaved in and out of her hair. I frowned as the worry lines etched lightly around her eyes and forehead and felt my stomach drop down into my shoes. When had I stopped noticing all of these small details? When had I stopped noticing my wife as an actual human being? Yes, I hated how she'd been treating me and I resented her for all but forcing me to leave, but I was no better. I should have been a little more consoling towards her. I tried my best, but perhaps that wasn't good enough. I sighed and shook my head; good enough or not, she was going to be stuck with me for a while longer and I was damned sure I was going to be the best I could be. No more whimpering and neglecting the finer things in our marriage. She would have to do the same but I didn't mind breaking the ice.

Someone needed to do it after all.

I turned the Network off and scratched the puppy softly behind the ear before deciding to head up to bed with a resolve that tomorrow I would talk to my wife and we would handle the situation like mature, responsible adults.

The next morning I got up feeling more refreshed and energised than I'd felt in a long time. I was cooking in the kitchen feeling almost happy as I baked some bread and cheese buns –Katniss' favourite –and popped toast into the toaster, hard-boiled some eggs on the hob, and fried some bacon up in the frying pan. At the very least it kept be busy as well as entertained and I even found myself whistling a jaunty little tune with a bounce in my step as I organised everything and boiled the water for tea. I hadn't felt that good in months.

"You seem awfully happy."

I whipped around too fast and almost spilled boiling hot water down my front as Katniss' voice startled me out of my stupor. Dread clouded up inside my chest and made it harder for me to breathe. I swallowed thickly as she stood stock still in the doorway, arms folded across her chest and the puppy trotting over to bump its head against my knee. I shrugged, "Well why not? I had a good night's sleep and I had some time to clear my head." It was all I needed to say about my day, really, as I set plates down at the two place-settings on the small wooden table. She eyed me suspiciously before sitting down and taking the mug of tea I offered her. I sat myself down and cleared my throat, "I did a lot of thinking yesterday," I hedged in a firm tone, sounding stronger than I felt, as I lifted my eyes from my plate to observe her. She watched me with steady, narrowed eyes, the brim of the cup resting against her chin. "I've done a lot of thinking and I think I may have a solution that could help us out."

She sighed a little and then leaned back in her chair, "And what solution have you managed to come up with?" she asked tightly.

I took a deep breath and as calmly as I could I spoke, "I think that we should both go and see a marriage counsellor." I paused, waiting for her to jump down my throat with her accusations and her conspiracy theories but she remained surprisingly silent. I swallowed thickly and decided to continue before her irrational thoughts caught up with her, "I think we need some help in talking about our problems and then getting advice on how to work through them together."

She closed her eyelids and adjusted herself in the chair, "Peeta –"

"No, wait let me finish," I dropped my gaze down and toyed with my knife before continuing, "I have been trying to hard lately Katniss, and I am just so exhausted from all this fighting. There has to be a reason for it all, right? I just want to work through our issues together and see if we can find our way back to ourselves. So?" I asked, daring myself to look up at her calm expression, "What do you think?"

I almost flinched when she wrapped her fingers around my hand that was now clenched around the handle of the knife. I slackened my grip and she replaced the clammy metal of the knife with her own cool, smooth hand and I felt my heart skip a beat. "Peeta," she murmured. Just to hear her voice so soft and soothing was like someone pouring honey into my ears, "I think that it's a good idea."

I blinked in confusion; had I heard right? Did she actually just say that she thought this was a good idea? Was I losing my mind or had I really not gotten enough sleep over the last week and this were simply my ears playing tricks on me? My throat ran dry, "Really?"

She nodded her head and a sad little smile crept onto her petal pink lips. "Yes," she affirmed with a gentle squeeze of her hand upon my own, "I really do. We have been fighting a lot lately and I think what Haymitch said yesterday morning brought my back to my senses a little, partly because it was completely out of the blue for him to say it and at that time in the morning as well." She gave a weak little laugh under her breath before raking her hair out of her eyes, "I want this to work between us, if it can, and if you think that counselling is the way forward then I'm willing to give it a try."

I felt my heart thump away in my chest. Relief washed through me as she slipped her hand out of mine and with a sheepish smile tore into one of the fresh cheese buns I'd backed for her, a soft moan humming out of her throat. I offered her a smile back, silently begging my heart to calm down. It was a small step in the right direction and we even managed to get through the entire hour and a half long breakfast without needling one another or getting into a heated debate about anything; it as a very small step but she had taken it and that was the main thing that I needed to focus on for the rest of the day. She helped me to carry the dirty dishes and cutlery to the kitchen sink and even filled it with hot soapy water as I went along and grabbed the rest of the utensils and dumped them in. I almost missed her dropping down onto her haunches and ruffling the growing puppy's flanks before trying to subtly fill its bowl back up with dry food. I bit back a smile and pretended not to have noticed. She seemed happier to think that I was ignorant about her timid yet growing affection for the pup.

And yet he still didn't have a name.

She came and sat down at the table with the newspaper spread out before her, sipping a fresh cup of tea and started a shy, edgy commentary on what was happening in Panem. I listened with a smile as her confidence grew at my lack of objections and soon we were chuckling at the news.

It was the best morning we'd had together in ages.

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**A/N: Hey guys sorry for the lateness of this chapter. I hope you forgive me. Let me know what you think. Belle x**


	12. Chapter 11 Katniss

Pairing: Peeta x Katniss.

Rating: M

Warning: Mature content. Deals with issues of pregnancy, and other issues that readers may find sensitive.

Update: As Soon As I Can**  
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Disclaimer: After fifteen years of marriage Katniss is counting the minutes for a pregnancy test to show results. She'd always been so careful. She had no idea what the rebellious actions she takes would cause to her marriage. Fighting to survive the hurdles of love and life and a needy little puppy thrown into the mix, Katniss is living in her own brand of hell. Can she manage to fix the damage and fall in love with Peeta again before they both seriously contemplate divorce?

**A/N: Hey guys I'm so sorry about this freakishly long update, but I'm working nothing but the late shifts at work (and they're LONG too) as well as writing for NaNoWriMo this month. So, instead of updating only on Tuesday's, whenever I am able to update, I will. Maybe you'll get lucky with two chapters. Fingers crossed!**

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**Chapter Eleven**

_Katniss_

On Johanna's next visit I caught myself still musing over the concept that I had agreed on couples counselling with Peeta when she knocked on the door. As I went to open it, the puppy trotting away beside with his head bumping against my leg, I couldn't help but smile a little. She hurried in from the cold and gasped as the warmth ran over, "Holy shit!" she exclaimed as she shook her wet hair out in front of her, "I can't believe this bloody weather! It's meant to get better as the year goes on not WORSE!" she groaned out as she wriggled out of her drenched coat and unwound her scarf from her flushed neck.

I smiled and shook my head as she dripped water all over the floor, "Go on upstairs and dry your hair, okay? I'll make some tea if you like?"

"That sounds perfect," she smirked as she slugged my arm and the hurried up the stairs, taking two at a time and disappearing down the landing towards my bedroom.

As she dried her hair, I went around the kitchen making tea –mint for Johanna –and feeding the puppy before opening the back door to the garden and letting him trot around for a little while. One of the good things about that animal was that he didn't mind the rain, snow, wind, or blistering hot sunshine –not that there had been much of that except for the one rare day two weeks ago. As the kettle boiled I toyed with the idea of going to counselling with Peeta. It was a good idea and I stood by my decision, but I was a little fearful over the questions we would get asked. I didn't want to flip out and argue in the middle of a session just because someone said something that irked me. I sighed and bowed my head as I poured water into the mugs, watching it splash down on the tea leaves. I needed to get a grip and just deal with it. Our first session was in two days and I had been panicking of it ever since Peeta had arranged the appointment for us. I knew Johanna would call me an idiot and tell me to just get on with it. She was right, of course. Anything was better than constantly arguing with Peeta.

"Oh that smells lovely!" Johanna grinned as she sauntered into the kitchen and took a seat at our small wooden table. She picked up the mug I'd placed down for her and reached for the small basket of buns and biscuits Peeta baked last night. She split it open and sucked the sticky cheese from her fingers, "So, I hear you're actually going to couples counselling? How did Peeta manage to swing that one?" she asked, cocking a teasing eyebrow.

I stuck my tongue out at her and rolled my eyes, "It got to the point where I just don't want to keep fighting. I'm so sick of fighting. I know almost all of it is my fault, but I just want to try and get through this. It's gone on long enough and I know Peeta feels that way too. I just really want to get to a place where we can be ourselves around one another again. The other morning, we actually sat in the kitchen and talked and he made us breakfast and I read the news to him," I sighed contently, that morning always making me feel calmer, "It's been the best morning we've had in months."

"Well I'm just glad that you're not pushing him away anymore. The man has needed you like plants need sunlight and I'm sure no one wants to see him wither away and die," she commented as she dipped a chunk of roll into her tea. I wrinkled my nose at her actions.

"Since when did you get so philosophical?" I muttered dryly.

She shrugged her shoulder and smirked at me, "Rye may have said something along those lines that I liked the sound of."

I quirked my eyebrow at the name of my brother-in-law and grinned myself, "So what is exactly is going on with you two? Are you dating now?"

She shrugged again, "We're just trying to keep it casual, you know? We only see one another when I come down to see you."

"Oh, so that's where you disappear to," I smiled knowingly and she flicked my cheek affectionately. At first I hadn't noticed when Johanna had disappeared for an hour or two, convinced that she needed to do something in Twelve other than babysitting me. I just hadn't realised she'd be doing Rye. "So, he's never gone up to see you?"

She shook her head, "God no, and I don't want him to. There's no point him going up to see me in that big empty house of his. I much prefer his little apartment above the bakery. It's –cosy."

I smiled softly as I took a sip of tea, knowing full-well that Johanna would never admit to liking another guy, let alone someone as self-confident and independent as Rye. I reached out and squeezed her hand, "Rye's a great guy, you know? He wouldn't hurt you, at least not intentionally."

"Yeah, well, nor would Peeta and look how that turned out." Her words come out of me and struck a nerve I'd thought had been padded out against such hostilities. Apparently I was wrong. I can feel the hot, angry tears burning up behind my eyes and the damp tingling of my nose as I struggled not to cry. I curl my fingers into fists and try to control my emotions. Johanna looked just as shocked at her own words and quickly shook her head and reaching out for me, "Katniss I didn't me –."

I jerked away from her touch and stood up from the kitchen table, gripping it until my knuckles turned white. "Just get the fuck out of my house, Johanna!" I sneered at her, trying so hard to keep my voice from trembling and level and failing miserably. I turned on my heel and marched to the staircase and heading upstairs, blinded by my own tears and not entirely sure where I was going.

A sob broke out of my mouth as I pushed open the bedroom door and suddenly, all the air escaped from my lungs as I drank in the painted mural on the wall and the skeleton of a cot pushed to one side of the room. My heart tightened and I collapsed against the doorframe, clutching my arms around my body and shivering uncontrollably as the tears fell like a molten waterfall down my cheek and soaking into the collar of my cardigan.

I was in the baby's room.

For the first time, I realised through my burning haze of tears that it wasn't being in the baby's room that was making me so upset. It was the fact that Johanna's words had hit home and I knew that it were true. I just wished I could have traded anything to be like how we were before everything happened. I just wanted my Peeta back, and even though I wasn't pushing him away anymore I still felt as though he was keeping a wary distance of me.

I don't remember a whole lot but I was sure I must have drifted to sleep at some point. All I could remember is that one moment; I'm staring up at the mural Peeta had so lovingly painted and the next I was in a white tiled room, covered in my own blood and screaming for someone, anyone to let me out. It takes a while for my screaming to subside and the gently whispering wail of an infant. Turning around and around in circles, I can't find the source but it keeps echoing in my head; a baby needing some warmth and attention. I was more than willing to give it but where was it? And then I saw it; just a small bundle swaddled up in a blanket and rocking slightly from where it was crying. The blanket was dotted faintly in blood but that barely crossed my mind as I picked the little infant up into my shaking arms. I rocked and bounced it, feeling awkward as I did so, and then pulled down the blanket to see the infants face –And screamed! President Snow's face leered up at me with his frosty white hair and manic smile. "_Everyone you love is going to die, Miss Everdeen_!" he jeered and I dropped the bundle, forgetting that it was still a baby. It wailed as any infant would and I reached out to catch it again and –

"Ow!" I winced gently through the fog of my sleepy brain as something sharp nipped at my fingers. I frowned and tried to adjust my eyes to the afternoon light pouring in through the window. I turned as the huffing breath grew more insistent and the nipping continued on my fingertips. I focused my eyes and couldn't help but sigh with relief as the puppy bumped his head against my drawn-up knees and was trying to wake me up. Had he sensed that I was in distress? If he had, then he was a lot smarter than he looked. Perhaps I could take him into the forest with me when I got the energy back to go hunting? It would do him good to get some proper exercise after all. "Hey, hey," I hushed him as I rubbed at him flanks, "It's okay, I'm awake now."

The puppy gave a low rumbling sound of disbelief at the back of its throat before nuzzling my nipped fingers with his hand and ran his flat tongue over my fingers. I grimaced at the sensation but smiled regardless when the bright blue eyes flashed up to me. I scratched behind his ears and if dogs could smile I'd say that he would have done.

"Hey," I whipped my head around to Johanna peeking in around the doorframe, "Are you alright? I heard you crying up here and I couldn't ignore it for too long." I nodded my head mutely and accept the offered hand as she helped me back up to me feet, my body feeling rather heavy as I straightened myself up. Johanna sighed softly, "I'm sorry about what I said. It wasn't what I meant. I just –"

I waved my hand gently to hush her, "It's fine. I know what you meant." At her disbelieving look I continued, "Honestly! I do know what you meant. I just –didn't want to hear it I guess. But it's fine, I promise." I was grateful when she dropped the subject despite how unconvinced she still looked.

I scooped the puppy up in my arms, mentally reminding myself that he was getting too big to be picked up really, and drifted over to the window, Johanna close behind me. Despite the dream, I felt suddenly relaxed and it seemed as though I had better clarity on a few matters. My head didn't feel jumbled up anymore. My gaze drifted over the tips of the spiked trees that made up the dense forest in the far distance and I felt a dull longing itching in my fingertips to go back out there, stealthily manoeuvring myself over the bracken and catching animals off guard. I hadn't realized just how much I had missed it until I'd seen the trees brimming with new leaves against the bleak grey sky, the storm clouds from earlier nothing but a distance memory. I felt the puppy but against my chin and I smiled gently as I scratched his flanks and felt the weight of Johanna's eyes on me as she reached out and sank her fingers into the soft, grey fur.

"Aren't you going to name this little guy at some point, Katniss?" she asked gently, an edge to her voice that signalled she wasn't sure how I was going to react.

"Hunter," I breathed gently, the name slipping out of my mouth as memories of my father's bow, jacket and boots trunked through my mind. I blinked back to reality and watched the sly curve of Johanna's mouth before I'd realised I'd spoke out loud. Then I smiled as well as the soft fur caressed my cheek and a tongue licked at my chin. I chuckled lightly and smiled, "You like that little one? Your name's Hunter now."

A loud yipping sounded as though he really liked his new name.

~0~

The day of our first session arrived and I couldn't deny how anxious as I was as we sat across from one another in the train that would take us to District Four. I kept toying with the frayed ends of my scarf as the trees and houses rolled past us, taking us further and further away from our home. I forced my mind to wonder.

Peeta had been pleasantly surprised one morning when he came over to take the dog for a walk and I'd offered to come along with him. It was a warm, Spring day and I could see little flower shoots beginning to shyly poke their head out in the quest for sunlight. Hunter had been oddly pleased that I'd come along for the walk, and I couldn't help but smile down at the bounding ball of grey fur. Peeta didn't ask what had changed my mood so suddenly and I was grateful for that. I had been much happier in the last couple of days, as though Hunter's namelessness were a hole in my heart that needed to be filled. We walked all around the meadow, keeping the conversation light as we watched Hunter snap at flies that hovered over the top of the long grass. It wasn't until we were on our way back home, Hunter tugging at his lead, his pink tongue lolling out of his mouth, that I told Peeta. "I thought of a name for him the other day," I'd said out loud as I scuffed the toe of my boots along the gritty roadside, "I hope you don't mind it."

Peeta shrugged his shoulders although I could tell from the look in his eyes that he felt a little hurt. There was another emotion in there as well, something I couldn't place. "I hope it wasn't 'fluffy' or something ridiculous," he tried for a laugh that came off rather forced.

I glared lightly at him before shaking my head, "No, nothing as demeaning as that. I … I sort of named him 'Hunter'".

"Hunter, eh?" he mused aloud, as though testing the name out on his tongue, before laughing and shaking his head, "Only you Katniss." His voice was full of affection and it was enough to make me hold my tongue and simply smile back as the Victor's Village had peeked into view.

Now as I sat on the train I felt nervous at having let Hunter with Rye for the first time ever and I felt as though I couldn't breathe with the strain of having to open up our private life for a stranger to dissect our problems. I don't see why we needed it, per say, when I knew it would be all my fault.

Now as I sat on the train I felt nervous at having let Hunter with Rye for the first time ever and I felt as though I couldn't breathe with the strain of having to open up our private life for a stranger to dissect our problems. I don't see why we needed it, per say, when I knew it would be all my fault. I didn't mention any of this to him thought as the train dragged us back towards Four. The walk to the counsellors office was a one-off, since they were based in Four for another appointment and was there for a few days so it made sense to have everyone on foreign territory, apparently. I didn't mind the walking as much, it helped to clear my head of my jumbled thoughts. As we waited for the elevator to take us to the correct floor in the huge building, Peeta reached out and squeezed one of my clenched fists, "Don't worry," he breathed through a smile, "We'll be fine."

I couldn't help but pray he'd be right.

Our therapist –Dr. Maverick –was a straight-laced sort of woman with a sleek brunette bob, low rectangle glasses perched on her nose and a smart black tailored jacket over her basic smart trousers and blouse. Her heels looked like something Johanna would have used as a weapon. I shivered at the thought as we took our coats off and hung them up by the door, for an easy escape I assumed. There was a wide, fabric sofa sitting across from Dr. Maverick and she seemed to eye us both of the top of her glasses as we sat down next to one another and waited. The silence was thick as we waited for her to break the silence, but it seemed she was content with scribbling notes down on her legal pad to pay us much attention.

Eventually she stopped writing and looked up at us with a smile, "Good morning Peeta, Katniss," she inclined her head as though we were royalty in her eyes. It made me feel oddly uncomfortable, "Now what can I do for you both today?" Her tone suggested she knew exactly what she _could_ do for us, but she seemed to want to know what _we wanted _her to do for our marriage.

I looked at Peeta at the same time that he turned his head to look at me. I opened my mouth slightly and shook my head in a troubled manner. I didn't know how to answer that question; there were so many things that needed to be fixed, talked about or mulled over. We needed to get back to being 'us' instead of two people skirting by one another whenever he came over. We had been getting better in the last week but I didn't want to delude myself that it would last. Nothing ever did lately.

"Well we wanted to come and see you to see if we could address some problems we have been having lately," Peeta eventually pressed out, his voice as neutral as possible. It was like he was rehearsing a speech for the Victory Tour all over again. I suddenly felt a little queasy and I didn't know why.

Maverick inclined her head, "I understand you two have been having problems reconnecting after losing your baby in the early stages of pregnancy, is that correct?" She didn't mince her words it would seem, although she was blunt and brutal with her diagnosis, it didn't hurt as much as it should have done. It still angered me greatly to have her fling the issue around like a wet napkin, but the pain was fading at a more rapid pace than it used to.

Peeta nodded his head stiffly, his hand tensing where it rested on his thigh, "Yes, that's right. It's been almost five months and we're still having some problems reconnecting and I really would like to try and get us back to the way we were before." He licked his lips, "We've both said and done some things to be ashamed of and I want to get past that, and be who we were again."

"You may never get back to who you were before," she stated in a matter-of-fact sort of way.

We both nodded our heads and Peeta spoke, "I know that but we'd like to at least give it a try, or to get somewhere new altogether."

Maverick looked over at me as though she was waiting for me to expand, but I didn't say anything. I clenched and loosened my jaw and breathed slowly through my nose as I watched her write down some more notes. I wanted to know what the hell she was writing but I swallowed thickly and looked over at Peeta. How could he look so calm? We were under scrutiny and it irked me slightly how easy talking to people came to me.

Clearing her throat, Maverick looked up at us both, "Now, I have the information from your doctor's but what I really want to know how the miscarriage affected you both."

The silence that descended in the room sent a chill crawling down my spine and settling in the pit of my stomach.

"Okay," she breathed through the silence and fixed us both with her hawk-like eyes, "Peeta, in one word can you tell me how it made you feel when you heard the news?"

I waited, my heart beating fiercely in my chest as I waited for what Peeta had to say, what he felt. In all the time since those words had stopped my world, not once had I asked Peeta if he was okay. Shame exploded and poured down through my body like burning oil and I dropped my gaze to my lap. "Ashamed," he breathed the world out into the thickening silence and I felt my head snap up to look at him with a confused frown on my face. Why had he felt ashamed? I tightened my arms around my abdomen and almost zoned-out completely, Maverick's words jolting me out of my musing.

"Katniss," I snapped my head to look up at her. She looked at me, urging me to say how I'd felt.

I opened my mouth and closed it again. I couldn't force anything out. Peeta gave me a soft, encouraging squeeze on my knee and the word tumbled out of my mouth as though I'd needed his reassurance that he'd be there, that he wouldn't hate me for admitting to anything. "Regret," I breathed, the tears burning behind my eyes and threatening to spill forth.

Maverick nodded and jotted something down on her notepad, "Okay Peeta can you explain why you felt ashamed?"

Instead of directing his answer at Maverick, I felt the gently weight of Peeta's gaze land on me and I tensed up for his response. "I felt ashamed that I had subconsciously put all this pressure onto you about wanting children. I knew you knew I wanted them but I'd thought it had all been put to rest a long time ago. I felt ashamed that you still held onto it all and thought about it more than even I did. I still feel ashamed that it's all because of me and my wants that put you through such a painful experience."

My eyes were hot and heavy with tears and I felt as though I couldn't breathe. I looked down at his hand on my thigh and I reached down to stroke my fingers over his own. "Katniss," Maverick murmured, "Can you expand on why you felt regret?"

I took a deep breath and bit down on my bottom lip. Something swelled within my chest and it ached but I needed to say _something_. "I –I felt regret because I couldn't be good enough and give Peeta the family he wanted and … as it turned out … the family I wanted too."

Maverick's pen scratched against the legal pad in her lap. "Okay I think that's a good stopping point for today," she stated. My eyes shot up to the clock and to my shock I saw that the whole hour had passed us by. I felt my shoulders slump and the knot in my stomach ease up. "Now I want you to both do something between now and our next session. I want both of you to write a letter to one another, put it in a sealed envelope and then hand it over to me. In a few sessions time you will read the letters and see how you've developed from when you first wrote them. Now, our next session will be next Thursday afternoon in the hospital in Twelve, is that alright with the both of you?" she asked, peering over her slender glasses.

We both nodded and stood up from the sofa and heading for the door, where our coats hung.

I didn't breathe properly again until we stepped out of the shadow of the tall building and into the cool spring sunshine. I let out a huge sigh and my tense shoulders finally relaxed. Peeta seemed to relax his composure a little more too as we caught on another's eye. I smiled weakly, dropping my gaze to the pavement, and we moved towards the train station that would take us back home. We didn't say anything as we climbed the steps to the platform and sat down on a sleek, metal bench to wait for our train to pull in. As we sat there, side by side, I felt Peeta's thigh brush against my own and then his hand resting on top of mine, "See?" he murmured gently, his thumb stroking over my knuckles, "That wasn't so bad. I thought she'd be a lot more full-on," he admitted gently.

I could only nod in response before my jaw clicked open, "Yeah, I still feel wrung out though."

He gave my hands a squeeze and I felt relief and warmth spread through me, "I know, I feel the same, but we'll be home soon so there's nothing to worry about."

I snorted lightly, "How do you think Rye did looking after Hunter all day?"

Peeta let out a laugh that worked the last dredge of tension out of his muscles, "He might surprise us both."

Not too long after out train pulled up to the station and we climbed aboard, sitting next to one another instead of on opposite sides of the window like on the journey there. It was soft and reassuring when he laced our fingers together and pressed my fingertips to his lips. God, I missed his lips, but I still didn't know where we really stood with one another and I didn't want to ruin or rush into anything by throwing myself at him. We needed to take our time with this therapy and for once I was going to be rational. I gave his hand a squeeze and smiled softly at him before tilting my head to rest in the crook of his shoulder.

We didn't move apart for the entire journey home.

To say that we were pleasantly surprised when we walked into Rye's flat to see him and Hunter sprawled out on the sofa, the pup's head resting on his stomach, was an understatement. It was a sweet, heart-warming little scene and made me feel content just watching it for a few moments, even with the Network blaring in the background. Peeta smiled and moved around me and into the lounging area where he stroked Hunter awake and quietly coaxed him off the sofa. I watched as the pale blue eyes blinked wearily before the dog hopped down and dragged his paws over to where I crouched down and threaded my fingers through his fur. Before we turned to leave, Peeta scrawled a note for Rye for when he woke up to no dog and no Network flickering in the background, whilst I felt my fingers itch with the urge to be helpful. So I did the only thing I could think of; I took the throw blanket off the back of the sofa and draped it around my brother-in-law so that he wouldn't catch a cold during the night.

As I straightened up, I caught Peeta looking at me with a subtle look of affection on his face. I tried my hardest not to smile as I whispered, "What?"

He shook his head, that smile still on his mouth, "Nothing," he murmured, "Let's just hurry on home."

As soon as we came face-to-face with my front door I felt my heart sink. Peeta wouldn't be coming in with me, I realised. He'd be going back to Haymitch's house across the road. I turned to him, so many words forming on my lips and none of them coming out properly. He stopped and looked at me and his felt softened slightly. He knew what I was thinking; that was one my of the many reasons why I loved him so much. He knew me better then I knew myself sometimes. "I know," he stated softly, "I wish I could too, but I don't think it's the right time for us." I wanted to argue that it was perfectly the right time for us but his soft smile stopped me. He reached out and smoothed his hand down my cheek and I leaned into the warmth of his palm, "You'll be okay."

I reached up and squeezed his palm, feeling the tears glaze my eyes as I looked up at him, "I'll miss you," I breathed shakily, realising with a sickening jolt that it was the first time I'd said those words in ages.

He gave me a sad little smile of understanding, "I know, I miss you too." He leaned up and pressed a soft kiss to me cheek before smiling and turning to walk down along the garden path and over to Haymitch's house on the other side of the Village. I felt my heart sink lower and lower with every step away from me that he took but I knew he was right. He always was. It wasn't the right time for us to be delving headfirst into anything physical. That's not what the therapy was about, after all. At the last possible moment, when he was just about to walk into Haymitch's house, he turned back to look over his shoulder at me and I felt my heart lurch painfully in my chest as he raised his hand in a wave, before slipping through into the house and closing the door behind him.

With a sigh, I turned and slipped my own key into the lock, turned and forced the door open. It was pleasantly warm inside the house and I fumbled around, taking off my outerwear in the dark, before scooping Hunter up and heading to bed.

* * *

**A/N: I know it's been a long time but I hope you guys liked the update. Let me know what you think!**


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